"I  held a piece of bread in my hands, watching it toast. The surface visibly crisped over, and the butter melted on my fingers. Staring out the window, I gripped the slice for a little too long, burning the edges. I dropped it on a plate. The rain outside tapped on the window, like someone wanted in. It seemed almost night, storm clouds choking the sky, like somebody had thrown a gray sheet right over the sun."

I had difficulty right from the start understanding where you were going with this piece; at first I thought it was science fiction, but after reading the second paragraph, you seem pretty normal. So how is it that your hands are able to make toast brown? You state that you "gripped the slice for a little too long, burning the edges." Granted, I have not read beyond page one, but if you do have supernatural power, I think you need to give the readers a bit more information about you someplace on page one or page two, because the rest of the narration and back draft sound so normal.

I can discern that this is not your usual run-of-the-mill administration, certainly not in America. I don't believe we have descended to that level -YET. Excellent writing, otherwise. You've done a great job establishing the setting.

Keep writing...

Shilohx7

Great stuff. Can't wait to read the next lot. Keep up the standard.

 I’m not a big fan of science fiction but this first chapter is presented in a very grounded manner which makes it more accessible to non-sci-fiers like me.

You have a very definite direction that you are moving this story in so it is very easy to read and follow.

I think your strongest skill, based on this piece of writing alone, is your characterization. Not only do you do a great job of physically describing the characters but also you use dialog extremely well to improve on each character’s definition. The three main characters, Jena, Lila, and Guy are all very different and interesting without feeling like clichés. Another minor note on the characters, I really like your name selection for all of your characters. I have a terrible time picking names for my characters that are individualistic but not so ridiculous that they are distracting.

I already mentioned your great dialog, but it does feel like the writing style of your dialog is creeping into the narrative. The narrative often feels very short and hard to read. It sounds very much like the way a sixteen year-old girl speaks. This is probably what you want it to sound like and if this is book is intended for young adults that would be fine. However, as an adult reader I find myself losing interest as I listen to a teenage girl try to tell a novel-length story.

Here are some line-by-line comments:

President Conrad Bainbridge…

This is a great name. It’s creative but still believable.

Not at the camera, but through to every single person watching.

I think this sentence would be smoother if you removed the word ‘through’.

For March, it was cold.

This is one of several sentences where the order of words makes the flow of the writing feel stilted. The comma adds an awkward pause. As a reader I would prefer something like ‘The weather was unusually cold for the month of March.’

 …ignoring the rain.

How could it be raining if the temperature is freezing? I’m guessing that you didn’t intend the word ‘freezing’ to be taken literally, but it might be  a good idea to choose a different adjective.

…which had fogged over the second I got in.

This is the second time that you used the word ‘second’ to imply a short period of time. How about ‘…which had fogged over the instant I got in.’?

It was unkempt, a shaggy thing perched over his mouth like a worm-shaped rodent or something. 

Great simile here, but I think it is partially ruined with the ‘something’ tagged on at the end.

I think there is a potential for a great story here and I look forward to reading chapter two.

 i like the beginning very much. you automatically introduce the main characters abilities, and introduced her father. The facts that she doesn't know what he does for a living, and that he wont tell her adds to the mystery and makes the reader wonder.

I noticed you gave the president a name. Is this simply an act of good detail, or will he become a major player in the story to come?

I like the way you hint that the character might have feeling for callaghan by the way she notices her imperfections when he's around. its a nice touch. And i like this character Lila. Her semi-neurotic personality gives her a sort of "fun person to be around" kind of feel. I think its a good thing that her friends know about her abilities. This eliminates the hassle and drama of having to hide it. its always good for a character to have someone to turn to.

She complains about living in a dull town, but you would think that someone with her talents would be looking for some kind of normality. This says a lot about her character. It helps the reader realize the potential passion for the incredable she has.

   It was simple – they blew the starting horn. 

            It was a mad dash down the street. 

            I tripped. 

            I skinned my knee. 

            Guy stuck out his little seven-year-old hand. 

            I took it, and he helped me up. 

            He got me a Band-Aid.

            And then we were friends.

I think this would be better if it was made into one paragraph. the short burst of the sentences adds to a good rythem, but the template just seems a little awkward.

 'Now, Jena, you wouldn’t do something like that, would you?' I seized up. It was Marilyn’s voice, and it was whisper-close, almost inside my head…

AH! she's telepathic! i did not see that coming. This is definitely a surprise. I honestly thought that if anyone else was going to have powers other than Jena, it would be Guy or Lila. I can already tell that this chick is going to be trouble. Great twist, and so early too!

Overall, great story. Keep up the great work. Can't wait to see the next chapter.