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No Working Title, Chapter 2

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science fiction, thriller, novel, fiction
1st
Draft

Published on:

July 13, 12:11am

Word Count:

1768

Work Description

A work-in-progress sci-fi novel about a girl named Jena - when the cops start shadowing her, she's afraid it's because of her supernatural abilities, the essence of which is similar to pyrokinesis. When a confrontation between her and the police takes place, she learns of a government plot to erase her from the face of the earth and has to fight to stop it.

Chapter Description

The plot thickens. Though the chapter is short.

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I looked around, the orange lights from the ticket booth glowing faintly. There were only a few people in line. That’s what we liked about Mondays – it was never crowded at the movies.

            The slosh of cars racing through puddles collected on the street was almost drowned out by the raucous pounding of the rain on the metal roof over our heads. The guy on the other side of the counter had to shout at the people in front of us, and they would scream back, and so on. My ears started to ring – Lila must have been in serious pain. Her face was contorted – it probably felt like the whole storm was compacted inside her brain.

            Guy bought the tickets, shouting himself hoarse through the small speaker box, and we retreated farther indoors to the concession stand – there was a sudden and appreciated quiet as a door closed behind us – and got in line. I took a deep breath. It smelled thick, like popcorn aroma, with the sticky sweet smell of soda mixed in somehow. This place might have been familiar, but it was one thing I had never tired of. Lila looked more relaxed than this morning, now that we were indoors, and wasn’t twisting her hands anymore, probably appreciating the dim light. That’s how she liked it best – dark and quiet.

            “You never told me how you did on that test,” Guy said, hands deep in his pockets. He looked at me expectantly, blue eyes flashing.

            “Oh,” I said, frowning. Although I had tentatively decided that the appearance of the man in the rain had been meaningless, a product of my imagination, it had stuck in my head all through math. Still kind of spooked, I had spaced half of the class – thus completing only half of my test. “We’ll see, I guess.” I may not have told him about it, but Guy looked like he knew the truth. He gave me his skeptical look. I busied myself fishing a twenty out of my pocket, glancing away, embarrassed. The typical result of him looking at me like that. His opinion had always mattered the most, even more than my father’s. 

            I knew Dad was going to kill me over this test, but he would have to be home to kill me; I supposed I had until Saturday afternoon to live.

            The prospect didn’t make me feel any better. My mood sunk even lower when I saw that Todd was working the counter tonight. I suspected he had been the one to suggest working Monday nights. His goofy bow tie (not to mention the rest of his movie theater uniform) and the gap-toothed grin made me sigh.

            “Hey, Jena!” He always acted surprised when we walked up. Every Monday night, too. Shocker.

            “Hi, Todd,” I sighed again, sliding the money across the counter. “You know the drill. Make mine a large.” Almost immediately, he pushed three colas and a bag of popcorn towards us, like he had had it ready before we showed up. I grabbed my behemoth drink, weighing it in my hand. I was going to need the caffeine, having nearly dozed off on the way here. Todd immediately gave me the change – he never actually needed the register for calculating that stuff. He could do it in his head far faster. I dumped the coins in the tip jar noisily. Lila, Guy, and I started to make for the theater. Todd bit his lip.

            “Jena…wait!” Now what? I was starting to lose it. Guy shot me a knowing glance, but looked away and chewed his popcorn. I turned around again. At first there was an awkward pause while Todd was struggling over what to say; I waited, none too patiently. Then he lifted his hand weakly. He held a fistful of straws in the air. “Um…you forgot these.” I retrieved the straws and then we finally found refuge in the dark theater. Once we had sat down and I had time to relax, I began to regret being so cold back at the concessions. He was just trying to be nice. I wanted to groan, but then Guy would confront me about it. I settled for squeezing my eyes shut painfully for a second.

            But I let it go. Whatever. 

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Discussion

 I like this chapter. It helps to build to the mystery and suspence. I'm curious as to who this mystery man is. Maybe he's here to hurt jena, or maybe he's there to help. great chapter. Sorry, but i dont have a critique for this one. Keep up the great work.

That was a short chapter so here is short critique.

 

Now that I understand who your primary audience is I’m able to read your work without being biased by Jena’s teenage girl ‘accent’.  

 

I knew Dad was going to kill me over this test, but he would have to be home to kill me; I supposed I had until Saturday afternoon to live.

I understand the humor in this sentence, but if it is supposed to be written for ‘young adults’ it seems like it takes the figurative meaning of ‘kill me’ too far.

 

We started up the isle when the bag slipped out of my hand.

Incorrect spelling of the word ‘isle’. You mean to use ‘aisle’. The English language is so stupid and clumsy.

 

…like I had jammed a fork in an outlet.

You used a lot of great similies inthis chapter, but I particularly enjoyed this one.

 

The plot and the dialog were well structured and easy to follow. It picked up right where the first chapter left off and I never felt lost or clueless as to what was going on. I’m glad you chose to provide only brief physical descriptions of your characters in this chapter. You already did an excellent job in the first chapter with this and sometimes excessive descriptions of existing characters can become boring.

 

The last few paragraphs were very intense and by far the best part of the chapter. You did and excellent job of creating a sense of urgency with the use of short sentences and simple dialog.  I found myself reading more quickly as the pace of the story picked up.

 

My only real concern is that this chapter is too short and I felt cheated by the abrupt ending to it. Of course if it was a completed book I could just read the next chapter I suppose.

 

Good work, I’m looking forward to the next chapter.

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