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No Working Title, Chapter 3

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novel, science fiction, young adult
1st
Draft

Published on:

July 26, 12:54pm

Word Count:

1777

Work Description

A work-in-progress sci-fi novel about a girl named Jena - when the cops start shadowing her, she's afraid it's because of her supernatural abilities, the essence of which is similar to pyrokinesis. When a confrontation between her and the police takes place, she learns of a government plot to erase her from the face of the earth and has to fight to stop it.

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“Oh, hell,” Guy said softly. He swung around to see out the back. Against the comparative brightness of the theater door, it wasn’t hard to see the black figure. Guy eased on the gas, and we started to edge out of the parking space. Nerves tingling, the lazy pace was maddening.

                Lila squinted outside. “He just pulled something out of his pocket.”

                “What?”

                “He took something out. It’s a phone – wait, a radio. He’s talking into a radio.” Bad sign. Somebody else was involved.

                “Shit, drive,” I said.

                Guy shook his head. “I can’t go any faster. He can’t think we’re getting out in a hurry.”

                “Guy, he already knows – he’s talking into a radio! Come on, let’s lose him before company shows up,” I insisted.

                “It could mean anything. You don’t know for sure.” I groaned loudly. The Taurus crawled to the edge of the street like a bug missing two legs. A bug that was liable to get smashed. The avenue was basically deserted – we cruised up to the red light unimpeded. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wouldn’t go away.

                Lila pressed her face to the back window. “Wait – wait. There’s a cop car pulling up next to him.” The police? That was good, right? Surely they would arrest –

                “He’s getting in the passenger side door. He’s getting in the car.” Lila turned around, her eyes panicked. My jaw visibly dropped. This guy was working with the police? There was a long pause.

                “So, hold on,” Guy said incredulously, “You’re being stalked by the cops?”

                Now I was gaping out the back. “Apparently. But that doesn’t make any sense-”

                “Green light,” Lila said quickly. Guy leaned softly on the pedal. My heart sped up – the Rupert Police Department car was moving.

                “Why the hell would the cops be following me?” I shook my head hard, trying to clear it.

                Guy said, “A crime investigation? I don’t know.”

                “Wait. We don’t know that they’re really cops,” Lila pointed out. “They could have stolen the car.” There was an awkward pause while everyone absorbed this.

                I nodded slowly. “You’re right.” She turned back around and watched the cruiser turn out of the parking lot. Guy gradually accelerated.

                “Are they still following us?” I asked Lila.

                She frowned. “Quiet. I can’t hear them.” I understood. She could hear all the way through one side of a building to the other – we had experimented on a Saturday at Fredrick High. Listening to what the two in the cop car were saying was going to be simple. Except for the drizzle on the roof of the car, there wasn’t any other noise anywhere in the vicinity.

                We sat in utter silence – me trying to breathe more quietly, Guy easing down the street (it must have been torture to drive so slowly,) and Lila with her eyes closed, just listening. The freezing cold that was crawling up and down my spine was starting to recede, even though I was as unnerved as ever.

                “They’re

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Discussion

The plot of this story is progressing very quickly. The start of this chapter seemed very abrupt. I think that it would flow more smoothly  if it was combined with the previous chapter.

 

One element that I found odd was the rollercoaster of emotion that the three friends rode in just a matter of minutes. At first they were running from the police (or so they thought), scared and asking questions about their abilities and surroundings. Then at the end of the chapter Guy and Lila take Jena home and calmly let her out of the car. On top of that Jena falls asleep relatively easy considering the amount of stress she had put herself under. It feels like in just the past few minutes they have completely forgotten what they were in fear of.

 

If this is the direction you want to take perhaps you should put another conversation in the story, during the ride home maybe, in which the three friends attempt to reason their situation and convince themselves that they are not in as much trouble as first thought. The reasoning doesn’t have to make much sense to the reader just as long as it makes sense to the characters. After all, teenagers are expected to overstress/under-stress themselves in inappropriate situations.  

 

Here are a few more minor comments.

 

“It could mean anything. You don’t know for sure.” I groaned loudly.

I’m pretty sure that this is Guy’s dialog, but the way it is written makes it sound like Jena is speaking.

 

Guy swore colorfully again and gripped the wheel a little tighter. We sat in silence again – but then he suddenly stabbed the gas and whipped around a corner onto a back street.

Repetitive use of the word ‘again’.  

 

Sorry this is a short critique, but to be fair it wasn’t a very long chapter. Plus, nobody likes a Karma Point whore

 

Opening Comments

 This seems to be developing into a nice piece.  You have a nice balance of dialouge and main text.  You were able to transition between them without it feeling julty. 

Plot

 I think that the plot is possible, but not necessarily believable.  While blow torch hands and super hearing is not outside of the scope of imagination, as a reader I still felt as though this was a little bit forced.  I think that there were some key elements missing that I thought would have made this story more believable.  One section where I thought it felt a little forced was were Lila is talking to Jena about them being the reason for the cops following them.  When Lila talks about having blow torches for hands as being unique, this line felt a little bit forced like you were trying too hard to get that information into the story.   

 

Dialog

 Other than the section mentioned earlier under "plot" I thought that the dialogue flowed well.  It felt natural and realisitc, which I think sometimes can be really hard to do.  In fact, I would say that your dialog was one of the strongest aspects about this chapter of the story.

Closing Comments

 Overall I think this piece has a lot of potential, and I enjoyed reading it.  Good luck with your revisions!

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