Wow... I have always liked stories that had me hiding behind my couch...lol! The story is off to a great start! The visuals were hard at first but they did finally come clear in my mind's eye. Great visuals after that! You do have a few typos but if you read the story to yourself out loud as if you were telling the story to a group you will find your minor mistakes. Or you might even find another way of expressing scenery or a "nail biting" situation that might make you realize that you could put it together with even more feeling, something the reader can share in as well. I'm big on feeling what the writer is trying to share when they write. The way you left it was great...always leave a cliff hanger, keeps them coming back for more! I know I want to...I look forward to reading more of your work...keep writing!

 Ive only read th first couple of pages thus far but am very intersted in the story.

A few things chopped up tthe read a bit and i feel it would flow smoother if corrected.

You utilize the word had a lot when it is not necessary. The words that follow had are in perfect tense and do the job just fine alone.
 

He had not expected to see her again, but three days later, he spotted Eve walking next to Shaun, just as she was doing now. She looked different in normal clothes and without the facial adornments but he knew it was her. That evening he had pressed Shaun for an explanation, even though he already knew the reason. It was obvious. She had chosen Shaun instead – he was better looking, taller and fitter. James had barely listened as Shaun explained how he and Eve had talked later that night in the Rishma and ended up exchanging phone numbers.
 

You use had five times in this paragraph alone and it is only needed in the first sentence. You might even be able to use didnt expect (sorry my apostraphe does not work on this keyboard). He pressed in the second instance works much better. She chose in the third instance flows better. James barely in the fourth and Eve talked in the fifth. Keep an eye on this as it contributes greatly to the flow of the story. Delete all clutter words like had, that and was when not completely necessary.

You are a little to liberal with the comma button. There are places you use one and it is not necessary.

I.E. He had gone beyond the point where he cared about elegance and his mouth hung open, taking huge gulps of air, a thin line of saliva running down his chin. Get rid of the comma before taking and use a period after air making A thin line of saliva ran down his chin its own sentence.

 His ears were ringing in the silence, where moments ago the noise had been deafening. The sentence would flow better without the comma.

Try reading a few sentences aloud utilizing the small pause of the comma and make a decision if it sounds right. Consult a grammer (strunk and white I think. I always forget the name) book for a quick reference on comma uage. It always helps me to brush up no matter how much I am writing.

Good job and I look forward to reading more of your works.

I have to agree with the above critique. The overall story is good but there were some simple mistakes that you probably just didn’t see on your own. It’s a common mistake though. Not everyone sees their work as others do when editing is concerned -at least not at first. That’s why sites like this are so helpful. Other than comma usage I’d look at your word usage, especially the overuse of “had."

Here are just a few examples:   

They had met her two weeks ago at the Rishma.

James had bumped into a short girl who promptly dropped her glass on the floor.

Kajikawa,

I'm not really a short fiction writer, so I'll try to keep my discussion on what is on the page rather than what is not. I only say so is because you open your piece with a hook, similar to  commercial novels. However, after finishing your story I don't quite know how this hook scene contributes to the overall story, except for being a "preview" for where the story is to go. (Unfortunately, if this hook scene takes place chronologically after the scene in the last page, it's somewhat inconsequential to the plot).

One general comment is that I sense you've got a clear picture of how this story plays out as a movie-in-your-head. The transposition to prose, however, loses some of the effect. A lot of the dialogue is not consequential to the plot (although it would work fine in a TV script). The same happens with some of the action. Ex:

He pushed off his duvet and rubbed his eyes. A slit of light was streaming through a gap in the curtains, illuminating dancing particles of dust. He picked up a pair of jeans off the floor and pulled them on, then opened a drawer and took out a t-shirt and sweater. He stretched and yawned, then called hoarsely,

Actions here are: Pushing off a duvet, noticing the light in the curtains, picking up jeans, opening a drawer, removing shirts, stretching/yawning, and calling coarsely.

These are perfectly good stage directions. But in fiction, all we need to know is that he "staggered out of bed and dressed himself."

"Alright, alright, I’m coming!"

"Hurry up!" came the reply from downstairs. As James quickly dressed he heard the front door open. The same voice spoke, but more quietly this time.

"Oh. Hi Eve. James is still in bed."

"Lazy boy. Let's go?"

"Yeah."

Similarly, this is dialogue that doesn't add much to the plot. Depending on how you look at it, you could argue that it's fine. But is it necessary?

Also, how old are these kids? This should be established early. I got the sense they were in high school. (Maybe I'm just too old)

They had met her two weeks ago at the Rishma. Shaun worked there in the evenings, which mainly involved ensuring the fuses didn’t blow after the first chord and turning the lights off at the end. The Rishma had a capacity of around 600 and hosted a wide variety of bands, usually local metal groups. James tended to come along under the pretence of ‘helping to set up’ then sit in the stage lighting booth on the balcony. Most of the bands had no need for fancy lighting, so as long as James didn’t touch anything, no one minded. It was quiet in there, and if the bands were terrible or the crowd consisted only of sweaty men, James could put his feet up and smoke.

This is telly. I know it's just there to give backstory. The following paragraphs describing Eve/Shaun's hookup, James' walk-in, and the way James watches them in envy later... well, it's a lot of explanation that I wasn't convinced is entirely necessary.

for a moment James thought he could see flames flickering behind them

I thought this was figurative. But after finishing the story, I know it's not really. So I would make this sequence more vivid.

“Oh, it’s you.” he said.

“You alright?” said James. Shaun’s eyes drifted away for a moment, then floated back.

“Yeah, fine. Fine.”

James paused for a moment, studying Shaun.

“What happened to your face?” he said, lifting his hand to point.

“What? Nothing.” said Shaun, stepping back and raising his arm protectively.

“Did you get in a fight last night or something? Looks like someone scratched you.”

“No, no. Well, yeah, it’s nothing. Look,” Shaun checked his watch, “Dude, we’re going to be late.”

“What?” James blinked, then shivered in the chill air. “Fine, lets go.”

A few more examples of 'throwaway" dialogue that can be condensed to parts that forward the plot.

He had known Shaun since secondary school – their surnames were alphabetically similar so they had shared a desk in several classes and finished up close friends. It was not entirely coincidence that they enrolled on the same course at the same university, but once they were there, sharing a house was an easy decision. They had lived together for a couple of months but since meeting Eve they had barely spoken.

More telling.

“It’s a totally secret gig. Seriously invite-only. They’re doing the seven songs off Chronicles.”

“No way,” breathed James.






“Yeah, I know, I know, it’s awesome. Only the most hardcore fans got invites.” Shaun’s scratched face creased as his smile widened in excitement. “Their first ever Chronicles gig and they’re doing it here.

“Rishma is like the only venue..."

This dialogue makes the characters seem very juvenile. I'm not sure your audience, but for me I wasn't identifying with James very much at this point.

“Yeah, candles apparently – lots of candles. Man this is going to awesome.”

James couldn’t hold back his grin any longer and beamed at Shaun.

“Hell yeah it is.”

This is the end of sequence 1. But I'm not really hooked into the story, because I don't know much about this band, and there's nothing unique told yet that makes it unusual.

You have a solution to this already in your story. But it comes three paragraphs after the section break:

James had read on an internet message board that Path were inspired by a recently excavated codex in Iceland – apparently one of the oldest ever found. There had been a lot of press coverage and controversy over the Askja codex – the indecipherable writings it contained and fanciful stories surrounding its discovery had led to several prominent archaeologists dismissing it as a fake. To add fuel to the media fire, there were rumours that the original had been stolen and replaced with a copy.

The notion of an excavated codex and archaeologists is pretty unusual. I'd recommend bringing it in prior to the section break.

“What?” said James, “What if I need to pee?”

Shaun laughed. “You got a couple of bottles in there right?”

“Yeah – but wait, wait! What if there’s a fire or something?”

Shaun laughed, but his eyes flickered to the fire extinguisher in the corner of the booth. “There won’t be.”

“You sure?” said James, removing his foot from the door.

Contributes nothing to plot, and violates tone/mood.

The latter half of your story, where the band begins and all the strange things start happening are all written in long prose paragraphs. I recommend revising so that it focuses on the sensory/emotional experience of seeing the band. What does James feel? What does it sound like? Smell like? I noticed a line that said "they had power." This is telling. Show us how it's powerful. I feel that the main element the latter half of the story lacks is rising tension. I wanted to feel more fear about being locked in this balcony as strange things are going on. I wanted to feel the claustrophobia, amplified by the energy of the music.

He couldn’t see Shaun anywhere, but he recognised Eve.

 

James soon realised

recognized, realized, unless you're intentionally writing in British-English.

The crowd were singing

The crowd was singing

And suddenly James was kissing her. He could taste heaven, but it was mixed with a taint of rot. He tried to close his eyes or look away, but he couldn’t. His mind was on fire, torn between desire and the urge to vomit. In terrible madness, he clawed at his face, trying to scratch out his eyes, but he couldn’t reach them. Instead, his nails scratched bloody lines in his cheeks. The physical pain awoke him and he was alone in the booth again.

This violates time/space. I'm not really a fan of when this happens. He was on the balcony, and suddenly he's on stage? It makes it feel more like a dream sequence, and for me unless this is an Elm Street film, dream sequences aren't as scary as something I believe is happening in real time.

The Jotun had spoken

If this is a creature, it's not established, so we don't know what it is, what it looks like, etc.

“Now leave, silent watcher,” said Tyr, hefting his sword. “Fools have unleashed Hel this night.”

Who's Tyr? Where'd he get a sword?

A lot of technical critiques, I know. More importantly, I think the payoff needs a bit of retooling. After finishing, I asked myself, "what did the story amount to?" Now, if this were a first chapter of a novel, I'd say, "okay, maybe we're going to learn more about this hell unleashed on earth in a later chapter." But since it's a self-contained short story, I wonder about the point of it all. I think it needs a little more of a plot arc. We get the setting and the character, but the character isn't really going through any sort of conflict, except for his jealousy of Shaun and Eve. Therefore there's no real rising motion as he gets to the concert, when the concert literally turns to hell, and there's no resolution at the end. In a sense, the conflict of the story (as far as I was able to decipher) didn't seem to have anything to do with the payoff.

I hope this helps. I know that I made a number of technical comments, but my main comment would be about the plot and payoff. I think the story will benefit greatly if you're able to hone in on the dramatic tension you wanted most to achieve in it.

Best of luck!

 Wow, this is really, really, really good so far. Some parts had me at the edge of my seat! It was very descriptive and I could easily picture what was going on, except for a couple of parts where I got slightly confused but it wasn't that major. Grammar was good, spelling was good. Overall it was just reallly good! I hope that you can update soon. I am dying to know what's going to happen next! I love stories like this that are intriguing and pull you in, but not throw in a bunch of exciting parts all at once. Can't wait until the next chapter!! Keep writing!

 sorry, I forgot to add something in my previous critique. Who is Tyr? and does the sword have some sort of symbolism that will come into play later on? just curious!

 After reading the entire story that's available, I think there is definitely an interesting plot veiled with in the story. However, I found myself several times through the beginning wondering if it was going to become more engaging. The "hook" in the beginning was great, but from the next morning stand point it was a little slow and over descriptive.  One of the other critiques mentioned the part about leaving the bed, grabbing the pants, etc. and I totally agree with their analysis. I also agree with those that mentioned you should try reading the story aloud. It will catch small grammatical mistakes and will stop you short when you hit an awkward or confusing section. I think there are some places I would like a little more  lead in before we get to the concert, such as the scratches on Shaun's face. The scene on the sidewalk insinuated an everyday occurances or at least something that had happened more than once. If that is the case then there should be other instances of the friend having scratches or being disoriented. It might lengthen the story, but if you cut the extraneous things and add in some additional spooky foreshadowing the big concert might have a bigger payoff.

I also felt that I wasn't far enough into James' "inner circle". I had no real investment in whether or not he lived or died in the end. I had more questions about Shaun's demise. As for the end, I was completely confused. You discuss the "Giant" and describe him in great detail, but then you refer to the Jotun, and finally you mention Tyr. All the while only one being seems to be present.

See Below:

"Lightning flashed in front of him, breaking the air with a resounding boom. Before James, there stood another man, no, he was bigger than a man. He was wearing tattered copper armour that barely covered his huge frame. But what struck James most was that this giant’s right arm was raggedly severed below the elbow. Blood trickled from the open wound, but the giant seemed oblivious. He hefted a massive sword in his left hand, his bicep and shoulder muscles flexing with the controlled swings.

The giant looked up at the full moon and rested his sword on his shoulder.

“It has been very long.”

The voice echoed in James’ head, slow and gravelly with age. The Jotun had spoken, but his lips did not match the words that James had heard. It gave the giant the appearance of being badly dubbed, but it was terrifying – his mouth growled and snarled as if he were an animal.

“I was beginning to think that six hundred and sixty six would never chant those words on the hallowed night. I was beginning to think that this day would never come.”

The giant turned to look at James, who flinched. The Jotun’s eyes were black, but blue sparks flickered in the darkness like bees.

“You have done well, silent one. It is not easy for mortals to escape her embrace. Doing so has allowed you to summon me. Be glad, for this may save the souls of those you love.”

James blinked.

“Now leave, silent watcher,” said Tyr, hefting his sword. “Fools have unleashed Hel this night.”

According to this, I gather the giant is Jotun. Is Jotun also Tyr? There is a whole lot of dialogue here that is unclear who or what it belongs too. I too want to know where the sword came from. My guess is this "giant" may have something to do with the codex, but again if you aren't going to use the codex for plot device its useless. I think you might have a good plot that needs some tweaking. If you used good forshadowing, made the reader care more about the characters, and did an outloud reading ~ you could probably turn this into a nice novella or might even be able to stretch a good novel out of it.