I really enjoyed your story. It was definitely interesting. The transitions at the beginning could be smoother, it is a tad hard at first to understand when the main character goes from present tense to past tense. This piece seems like a partial story, there are also a few loose ends, but those are mainly just what happened to the 11 kids on the bus, the other characters, etc. and I am sure that most, if not all of those will be cleared up as the story progresses. I also think that if you put in some more context, your story will flow better. Where the story is taking place? What time period? (It seems to be the present day, but I've seen similiar stories that take place well into the future, but seem like they take place during the present day.) Stuff like that. Overall, I enjoyed your story so far and I hope to read more of it. Keep at it!

I enjoyed your story too, but I did not quite understand the significance of Alex being called Five. Your story did have a few loopholes, but I liked the way you slowly revealed the reason of Alex's despression to the reader. What I don't understand is how and why so many kids wanted to hurt Alex. Did he cause the accident? I can't imagine why people would want his blood if he was the only survivor of a tragic accident unless he was somehow responsible for it. I feel like if this were to really happen, people would more likely feel sorry for him and assure him that he shouldn't feel guilty for something that was out of his control. I could understand the guilt though. I think it would be stronger and more believable if he had somehow caused the wreck or had done something wrong to the other people who died in the accident, like bullied them or something, so that his guilt and everybody's desire for revenge would be more founded. I could definitely see how an accident like that could change a child and make him feel a certain amount of guilt, and I could also see how people would treat him differently.

The quality of your writing is high, and your storytelling ability is great.

 Karissa,

     On the macro level, the level of the story, you have excelled. The plot is easy to follow and there is a strong theme here. I love the symbolism that you have placed into your writing, and your tone is clear and distinct. You have also managed to capture a certain voice that builds the character of Alex. The voice seemed to be desparing, and I feel as if that was your intention. You have a unique writing style and are able to create a good setting without becoming too involved.

     That being said, I noticed some issues with this story on the micro level, the sentence level. Everyone has their own writing style, and yours seems to fit you well, but you could have drawn me into this a bit more by concentrating on the micro a bit more than  you did. In the end, you have your protagonist finally being done in by whom we thought was his guardian angel. You foreshadowed the event somewhat by letting us know that she was probably having mental issues, but then you have her call him Sean. This confused me at first, because I had no idea who Sean was. Only after going through it the second time did I come to understand that Sean was the brother who was killed, whom she thinks is in Alex. The reason I am even pointing this out is because this can be one of those stories that makes the reader go... "Ewwww!" at the end, but because on the micro level you were just a bit too subtle, I missed it at first.

     Lastly, and realize that this a little nitpicky, I loved the story, and I like your style. I just think that you can polish it some and create the effect that you were going for.  I am going to quote you here from page 3: 

 

            There were six boys behind Thom this time, and they were a lot older, with several looking like they could be in Julie’s grade. Thom actually looked unimposing compared to the rest of the group. Alex noted him looking at the others and smiling a lot; he seemed to look constantly for approval from his thugs. He had always been so unbelievably obvious about things. He never hid any emotion. Alex had always figured that’s probably what made him so dangerous.

            Fear welled up in Alex like a silent scream; he knew deep down what Thom was physically and morally capable of, considering how much anger he had obviously not yet been able to release for his friend’s death. The fear in Alex grew from nothingness, but soon clouded all his thoughts.

     This one paragraph seems a little forced to me. What I have emboldened strikes me as an attempt to develop more on the micro level, but comes across as unnatural, you are telling me in third person omniscient, something that you have already shown me in third person limited. I just fon't think it's needed.

Also, the cliche of the silent scream ... you can do better, (Oh yes you can!) I hope that this does not come across wrong to you, this is the first story that I have ever commented on since joining this group, and I'm only doing so because I think it has potential and because I think that you have talent. In any event young lady, as my favorite professor Dr. Melbye would say... "Nicely done."

I liked this. You had a great idea, and for the most part you executed it very well. There are a few issues, but nothing terrible.

The kitten perked up at the sound of speech. A small, wet bit of pink tongue poked out from her mouth, her damp paw still half raised. She studied the speaker with her glossy, green eyes, and mewled in reply.

"Perked up" is a cliche; try to avoid phrases that you have seen in writing or heard another person say often through the course of your life. Everything from "A small..." to "...reply" reads like a list. As this is part of your opening paragraph, I advise against listing description. Therein lies weakness! Never allow your sentences to weaken under adjectives. The more adjectives, the weaker a sentence.

The kitten began to purr, seemingly ignoring his poignant tone. She meowed plaintively.

I do not like the word "poignant" in this sentence. Try to avoid adverbs, another sentence weakener. Adverbs are a cheat out of being creative with description; what could turn into an interesting phrase becomes a dull and lifeless word.

The sounds of other children playing were heard over the summer breeze, carried across the soccer field and playground until they reached the old oak at the edge of school property.

Try to avoid passive voice! Not only is it dull, in this instance, "were heard" makes the sentence awkward and jars the reader out of the world you have created.

He listened to that horrible nickname resonating inside his skull for a moment, like a whisper in a dark cave, and he found himself unable to silence it.

That "for a moment" isn't really necessary.

Thom was only a year older, but Alex was also considerably smaller.

That "also" isn't necessary, either.

Her breaths were coming in quick puffs now, but she soon brought them back to a regular pace.

Her breathing fell quiet.

I don't really know what you were trying for with the second sentence, but if you meant that she stopped breathing hard, it's been covered. "Quick puffs" is not the right description to me, it feels incorrect. "Puffs" isn't really a word I would associate with "quick".

Her parents had exchanged worried glances, but did nothing to stop her.

Why would he have noticed that? If he had really been paying this much attention, he would have recognized her the second she ran up.

For all intents and purposes, they were complete strangers, and yet something kept compelling them to attempt to speak.

"For intents and purposes" and "yet" are simple writing cliches that should be avoided at all cost!

“Everyone died but me, and a lot of them were better people and deserved life more than I did…” He shrugged, as if these were facts he had accepted a long time ago. “People treat me like that for a reason. I’ve taken a life as my own when it should’ve gone to someone else.”

Now, I don't know where you grew up, but never once did I hear a young boy speak like this. If you want to give us better insight to your character, let what he says resonate while still letting his words be his own. He belongs to an age group, and it's important that he speak from it.

Julie’s pace slowed. “You didn’t choose for them to die,” she reminded softly.

Avoid adverbs! This goes double in dialogue attribution.

Her voice finally faltered, and the soft sadness returned to her crystal blue eyes as quickly as it had left.

"Crystal blue" is a prosaic description. You are more creative than that!

Her entire dialogue here is stilted and hokey; we don't really see well into her, because we know that she isn't real. Make her real! It's your job as a writer. See the world from her place and write from there.

The fear in Alex grew from nothingness, but soon clouded all his thoughts.

This sentence just sounds off. It is out of place and badly worded.

“Scared of everything, I bet. It probably ruined him. Probably killed him more than it killed anybody else.”

No thug is this insightful.

Two of the boys moved in on Alex. He tried to step away from them, and as they grabbed his arms, he screamed at Thom, “Then take something from ME, and hurt ME!” The boys paused, giving him time to fall back into despair. Tears formed in his eyes. “Take from me,” he whimpered. He sank toward the ground, leaving only the grip if his captors to keep him elevated. “Don’t hurt her.”

So. This (besides the following quote) is definitely the best part of the story. What you need to do here is expand. The reason it is good is because we actually see all of the character for the first time- because he breaks. What you should do here is take the drama and crank it up; let us see deep into him. Make us want to save him. Make us see ourselves in him.

I am Five. He watched the blood flowing down his arm. The blood of Eleven is gone. The red stream branched, collecting on their hands as they held him down. Seven boys now carry it for me. I am One. I am alive.

Okay, here we go. This is excellent, my favorite part. But, again, expand. Go deeper.

She put a finger to his lips. “Shhh,” she said in his ear. Alex looked into her eyes, and what he saw scared him. She wasn’t looking at him normally… she was looking at him like she had that day they had walked home together. The desperation was back, and it had consumed her.

Might I suggest not revealing this? The satisfying twist at the end would flow much better if you excluded the fact that she "wasn't looking at him normally." Also, elipses (...) are sad little cheats.

“Don’t worry,” she assured him, “you’re almost through this.”

This line would be even more awesome if the whole "looking at him" thing was gone.

Bleeding, bleeding… I’m One, I’m alive please don’tkillmeI’maliveI’MFINALLY–

This is the only one of these interludes that I had a problem with.

“Don’t worry,” she said again as she traced the final curved line, completing the “5” pattern that now covered most of his upper arm. Her eyes were on him, but they were unfocused and cloudy. “I’ll get you to Heaven, Sean. I’ll set you free.”

This is marvelous. It is a satisfying resolution.

All in all, a great piece! You have the voice of suspense down very well. You dragged the reader after you, and with every new element you left us wondering, "What the hell?" You made us read on. That's a gift! I hope that this critique helps you in editing. Thank you!

 “Why don’t you run away like the others, Cheryl?”

After reading this again.. I have to say that this first sentence seems out of place.. In this story, I have not seen anyone run away from Alex. Quite the contrary.. The bullies gang up on him, they do not ever run away. You could explain more in the beginning how some people run from him because they fear the boy who lived, maybe the town is superstitious?

I wanted to give this a five rating because I enjoyed this work so much. But, then I read the reviews and realized that there are some basic mistakes..  

The next lines about him being cold and trapped.. I wasn't sure what the cold was referring to here.. Was it cold that day? Was his body feeling cold because he was bleeding? Make this more clear.

The next part about her breath coming out in puffs, then a but.. I think that it might flow better this way,

Her breaths that had been coming out rapidly in fear now slowed to an even rhythm.

And another flow issue again with the next sentence.. After her breaths slowed, then you have this,

When he sat up, Alex noticed what looked to be a small rectangle of paper pressed under one of her palms. "Did he hurt you?"

This sentence is somewhat confusing. Alex's name included here made me believe that he asked the question. I had to re-read to realize that the young woman is one that asked the question. You might want to separate the question, make it stand out by itself.. Like this.. but, she soon brought them to a regular pace. When he sat up, Alex noticed...

"Did he hurt you?"

He drew in... End of sample.

I ask if this girl is a stranger to him, how would he know who her parents were? Those grownups could have been parents to any number of the children there. Make more clear why he believes these people are related to her.

And, the other thing I have to be picky about.. These stranger's ages are very far apart.. She's a teenager and he's in elementary? I am not sure.. But, with the age difference, I think it would be very easy for the girl to not see him in the hallways of school. Or to avoid him.. How can they go to the same school? Does this building house Elementary all the way to high school? Or is this Alex in Junior high?

The fear in Alex grew from nothingness, but soon clouded all his thoughts.

I suggest this.. Fear grew in him seemingly from nowhere, growing and clouding all his thoughts.

The next sentence about the cat stratching the bully,

One of the boys reached toward Cheryl, and she hissed at him, striking out with one grey paw and catching him in the thumb.

It might go better this way.. One of the boys reached toward Cheryl causing her to hiss and strike at him catching him in the thumb with her claw.

He sank toward the ground, leaving only the grip if his captors to keep him elevated. 

I was very surprised about the ending.. She had helped him in the beginning, but, then she wanted to release Sean's spirit?.. As the story progressed, maybe a bit of her mental breakdown could have been brought out into the light slowly and built until the very end. Make Alex uneasy about her behavior, but I suggest you don't reveal what she will do to him till the very end. It will make it more shocking and come seemingly from nowhere.. And, does she kill Alex here? Or does she think just by bleeding Alex's scar and completing the pattern, her dead brother's soul can rest in peace? I was not truly aware of her motivation, make more clear..

Otherwise, this story made me want to read from the very beginning. The opening intrigued me but, could be developed a bit more. I usually do not like mysteries, but, I would read this one once a little polishing was done. I hope you find this informative and not bossy or rude. I only want you to do your best and hope that you want that for me,by being honest about any work I post in the future.

“Why don’t you run away like the others, Cheryl?”

“You’re too close to me,” he warned her. “People won’t like you now. They’ll think you’re a bad cat.”

Without context, these lines just confused me. I think it needs a more setting leading up to it. Also, I think it would make things clearer if you didn't address the cat by name. Just an idea. But naming pets can confuse readers with human characters, especially in a short story.

The kitten began to purr, seemingly ignoring his poignant tone. She meowed plaintively.

Not sure if "poignant" is the right word.

It was cold there… so cold. I was pinned, I was scared, helpmeIcan’tget—

Five. Seat five. All alone, and the cut, the scar, ithurtsI’MBLEEDING—

Pinned. Trapped. Can’t get away, the pain, not again, ohpleasenotagainDON’TLET–

Trapped, helpless, alone… trapped, bus overturned… silence, pain, helpless, alone, can’tgetout, CAN’TGETOUT–

These stream-of-consciousness insertions didn't really work for me. I'm guessing your intent was to make them come out like they would in a movie, off-screen voices that make you go "wow, I wonder what that means!" But here, they just distracted me from figuring out what was going on. It's totally your choice, but I think the story would work fine without them.

On the plus side, when I line them all up like this, it's easier to see why he's called Five, and why the story is called Five. (As they are, interspersed throughout the story, it was much harder to see!)

He choked the thought back, forcing it to return to the dark place in his mind, the place he had started to fabricate six months ago when it all began. At only eleven years old, he feared that place inside of himself more than anything external. By the time he had the thought locked up there with the others of its kind, his eyes had dried themselves.

This was way too esoteric for me... not sure if that's the right word. Basically, I mean I hear the narrator talking about something and I have no idea what, so it sort of bugs me.

The sounds of other children playing were heard over the summer breeze, carried across the soccer field and playground until they reached the old oak at the edge of school property. To Alex, sitting under that tree, they were white noise, of no more interest than the sounds made by the oak leaves overhead. Both were a background to him. Both were unreal, unimportant now.

I'd like more visual images here. Maybe also expand on the sounds of the oak leaves. "Sounds" is sort of a weak word. Even something a simple as "rustling" would help.

Since Alex also has an aversion to cold, you can expand about him like maybe always wanting to be in the sunlight, not the shade. It could almost be a strange psychological thing he has, like a freak-out whenever he gets cold. Maybe add more about his sense of touch here. You talk a little about the sounds, but I wanted more. More of everything, I guess.

He listened to that horrible nickname resonating inside his skull for a moment, like a whisper in a dark cave, and he found himself unable to silence it.

I'm having that same problem as earlier. The narrator knows something I don't, and that's normal. But for some reason, (and I hope you forgive me for being blunt) I keep getting the feeling that the narrator is saying it in an "I-know-something-you-don't-know" way.

His enemy moved in.

It's implied already.

“Even looks like a five,” he mused aloud, as he always did.

I wasn't sure what this would mean. Five is in reference to his seat number, right? How does one look like a five?

Alex was shocked back to reality by the realization that the cry was not his own. A young woman, who must’ve been about sixteen years old, was running toward them, flying over the trodden grass as if her life depended upon it. Thom saw her, recognized the unbridled wrath in her blue eyes, and immediately sprang away, leaving Alex where he had found him, unharmed.

The drama of this sequence could benefit from being written more from Alex's perspective.

Her breaths were coming in quick puffs now, but she soon brought them back to a regular pace. When he sat up, Alex noticed what looked to be a small rectangle of paper pressed under one of her palms.

I felt like this slowed the pacing of the scene.

Her breathing fell quiet. Her face darkened, and she let her gaze fall to the grass. “You would’ve seen me at the memorial service,” she explained. “Six months ago, my little brother was on your bus.”

I thought this exchange of dialogue came too fast. It was hard for me to believe she'd just say it outright right after they first meet. I think she'd at least walk with him for a few minutes, maybe sit down with him on some swings or a bench or something, and then reveal it through difficulty.

She offered him the paper she was holding, and Alex realized it was a small photograph of the girl standing before him, and a boy quite close to his own age. He looked back at her, and recognized her for the first time. A flash of memory hit him; this girl, placing white roses on a small casket. One of eleven small caskets, all lined up in a row. Her brother’s casket. He had noticed her at the funeral for one reason: she was the only person there who didn’t cry as she placed her flowers. Afterwards, she had left the service before it was finished, and without any obvious reason. Her parents had exchanged worried glances, but did nothing to stop her.

I like how you don't let us know the mystery of it all.

Neither of them had planned to meet after school. It just happened that she had decided to wait for him at the last moment, and that he had happened to wander past where she was standing on the sidewalk. Their eyes only met once, and he understood that she had gone out of her way to join him. He didn’t protest when she began walking next to him. He was glad for the company, and without a word the two set off together. The first few minutes were silent as they walked together, both unsure of what to say or what to expect to hear. For all intents and purposes, they were complete strangers, and yet something kept compelling them to attempt to speak.

Just an opinion, but I feel like this is an example where the writing gets dense. I hope I don't seem to be knocking your style or voice, so just ignore me if you totally disagree. But using "it just happened that" and "their eyes only met once" rather than "he met eyes with her once" or something more active, just made it seem like reading textbook writing instead of fiction. It lacked a human quality for me and that's probably why it felt dense.

Alex said finally, leaving the last syllable hanging to indicate that he was unable to finish.

I didn't think the "leaving the last syllable" part was necessary. I could picture him behaving that way already.

“Everyone died but me, and a lot of them were better people and deserved life more than I did…” He shrugged, as if these were facts he had accepted a long time ago. “People treat me like that for a reason. I’ve taken a life as my own when it should’ve gone to someone else.”

Just an idea. I know people who've really dealt with guilt, and they tend to close off to strangers... except for really intimate moments. Alex saying this to some girl he just met seems forced, like it's just trying to 'fit' into the course of the story. It'd be different if he was talking to a therapist, but since he's not, I had a hard time believing it.

The thought halted and tripped over its own confused feet.

This was kinda awkward for me.

“Alex…” she corrected herself. She chuckled. “You’re so much like him… he always did have that martyr complex about him. I miss him…” Her eyes locked on his suddenly, fueled by some longing that he could see, but couldn’t understand. “I see him in you. I know he didn’t die…”

I like the empathy you're putting into Julie. But I think you can tone her down a notch or too, because any more would make her like an ABC Afterschool Special character, which I'm pretty sure you're not going for. I think in a story like this, restraint is critical. I love quiet stories where more is communicated when less is said, and we're reading into what we think they're thinking. If you saw "In The Bedroom" you might get what I'm trying to say.

“His soul is in you, and I can feel it. I’ve felt it ever since the accident, ever since I was taken to see his body. I didn’t see him in there… but I do see him in you.”

This is just really weird. Alarming, actually. It makes me want to run away from her. Is that what you were going for?

“Scared of everything, I bet. It probably ruined him. Probably killed him more than it killed anybody else.”

I wasn't sure how old the bullies were, but I didn't believe an 11-year-old, or even a 16-year-old would say this.

stoic visage

Big vocab words for a reader of this age range. "Straight-face" is probably just as good.

Thom glared at him, and said simply, “My friend Geo was taken, too.” He looked at the cat. “You owe me.”

How does Thom blame him for Geo's death? If we knew that Alex somehow saved himself but could've saved others on the bus, then it might work. But we're only told that Alex survived, so the rationale that Alex owes anything is a stretch.

That’s when everything began to break. Suddenly, a pocketknife was in Thom’s hand. Alex released Cheryl, and the thugs let her go as she ducked past them, making for the backyard. From his vantage point, half kneeling at the centre of the mob, he watched as the weapon drew closer. Nothing else mattered. It was just him and the knife. They pinned him, but there was no need. He wasn’t going to run anymore, no matter what justice they had deemed him worthy of. He bit down hard on his lip, allowing only the smallest noises of pain as the first lines were cut. Two lines, at right angles to each other, carved into his arm. They were tracing his scar, but making it bigger and deeper than the original wound had been. His breathing slowed as he watched his own blood flowing in tiny rivulets, down to collect on the hands of his captors, who were still grasping him. The sight of it mesmerized him.

This is a definite omniscient perspective. I can tell by the words "the sight of it mesmerized him" instead of "he saw...", which is I think what has bothered me in the 'dense' sections I talked about earlier. This style takes away the intimacy I might feel, and the emotional connection I want to have with Alex. Just an opinion, but I think it (along with those other parts) should be in Alex's experience/point-of-view.

the life force he had come to recognize as a symbol of his own guilt,

This is already implied.

I am Five. He watched the blood flowing down his arm. The blood of Eleven is gone. The red stream branched, collecting on their hands as they held him down. Seven boys now carry it for me. I am One. I am alive.

Sorry, I just didn't get this part.

Most of the last paragraphs describe action in that non-intimate way, so I had to re-read a few times just to figure out what was going on. Maybe shorter sentences?

“Don’t worry,” she assured him, “you’re almost through this.” Alex watched helplessly as she reached over and picked up Thom’s knife. Bleeding, bleeding… I’m One, I’m alive please don’tkillmeI’maliveI’MFINALLY– “Don’t worry,” she said again as she traced the final curved line, completing the “5” pattern that now covered most of his upper arm. Her eyes were on him, but they were unfocused and cloudy. “I’ll get you to Heaven, Sean. I’ll set you free.”

OK, so what's happening? Is she going to kill Alex? Does she believe Sean's soul is trapped inside Alex and somehow by cutting him more is going to set him free? This whole ending is ambiguous. Surprise endings that shock me typically stay with me, so I think whatever you're going for, you may want to sharpen the point a little more so we know exactly what her motives are. But since I didn't understand Julie, I guess I was missing that final punch.

I think this was an interesting story, but I do think it needs some work. I saw a movie called "The Sweet Hereafter" which is about a bus crash and how a town deals with it. There's a ton of psychological room to explore, but I felt like a lot of the deep emotional scarring that I would've been interested in got glossed over to depict the bullying and the weird thing going on with Julie. I guess I'd have to understand what you were trying to get across.

You wrote in your description that this is "about the guilt  we carry" but I didn't get a real sense of the protagonist coping with guilt. Again, it's your choice, but I sort of felt like this story needed to know more what theme it wanted to convey to readers. Sorry, I don't mean to sound so negative, because I did like a lot of parts to it. The theme just hits close to heart so I want to make sure you succeed in expressing what you intended to!