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Nova

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fantasy, science fiction
1st
Draft

Published on:

July 18, 9:27pm

Word Count:

1766

Work Description

An interesting concept. A prequel to one of my other works.

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 Nova jerked up, banging her head on the low ceiling. That stupid dream is going to keep me up all night. She thought angrily. It was the one where Paris was abducted by the strange little fur balls. It used to be funny. Now it was just annoying.

“Hey, pretty lady. Time to get up.”

Nova turned to see Paris smiling through the window next to her bed. She folded her arms and scowled at him.

“What do you want?”

“I was just coming to tell you that I’ve successfully mutated some of the seeds.”

“I’ll be right out.”

Nova flung the covers off and shot across the room grabbing her notebook. This is great! Now we actually have a chance of surviving in this forsaken…There was a cough behind her. Nova turned to see Paris still at her window. She leaned up from her desk, her jaw tightening.

 

“What?”

“I was just wondering…” he paused, his mouth widening into a grin. “do you always wear such striking colors?”

“Get away from me, you pervert!”

“Hey, I’m an innocent victim here. You’re the one who said okay-”

Nova slammed the window in his face, jerking the blind down. Of all the sick perverted things- one day I’m just going to-

“Calm down, Nova. You know he didn’t mean it.”

“Shut up, Abital. I know what I’m talking about.”

Nova ignored the stretching woman, jerking on her jumpsuit. Abital was boarding with her simply because she was the only other female in the group. Not that sharing a room makes that big of a difference. She seems all too eager to fulfill her role here. Nova thought savagely, storming out the door.

Abital, to put it simply, was supposed to help populate the planet. The team would have insisted that Nova do the same, except she had told them she was infertile. To the extent of her knowledge, she figured she wasn’t. All her relatives had a large healthy family, except her parents. They lived in the city, and as they told her when she was younger, it simply was not economic to have more than three children. Nova felt a pang of guilt. The team always believes me. That always puzzled her, and made her feel terrible for taking advantage of them.

Nova pushed her thoughts away, trying to focus on the task at hand. Getting worked up would solve nothing. She trusted the team, the team trusted her. If Abital died, tough nails. I’m not like her.

“So, what have we got here?”

Nova plopped her notebook on the table, peering at the few sprouts in the greenhouse. A few of them had blossomed during the week. Looks like my supplement actually worked this time.“I’ve been testing them in different soils and various types of sand. They seem to do best in this.”

 

Nova looked at the small cup Paris held out to her. The first impression she got was blue sugar. She took it, holding it to the light.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know. I found it lying on the ground about a mile from here.”

Nova was dubious about this strange new crystal like substance, but didn’t doubt Paris. She knew when he was serious, and when he just wanted to mess with her. Paris snapped his fingers. Here comes the lightning. Nova thought with a sigh.

“There was something else I wanted to show you.”

He grabbed a telescope from the desk and walked out of the greenhouse, pulling Nova with him. She winced in the light. The day was as terribly hot as ever. The only clouds they had encountered came from the east, and they were wispy little things that provided neither shade or rain. Nova was growing to hate them.

“There, see it? Something on the horizon.”

Nova took the proffered telescope, and aimed where his finger pointed. Oh, that. She handed the spyglass back to him, nodding.

“Yeah, I saw that earlier this week. Do you think we should investigate?”

Nova knew better than to take command. Unfortunately her group was very chauvinistic like that.

“I think we should.”

“Did you tell Horsa?”

“No. I was going to talk to him tonight.”

“How about now?”

What a dork. Always waiting ‘till last minute. Nova shook her head, jotting their findings in her notebook. The prospect of leaving her mundane job to investigate the strange sparkle on the horizon was more than a welcome change. Maybe we’ll find something useful.

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Discussion

 Just letting everyone know, for some reason Nova's thoughts didn't italicize. I don't know why.

 Kate,

Please understand the benevolent intent despite the strong language.

Thus far, this piece seems to be a wafer of science fiction wrapped around a meaty coming of age sexual drama. I think you should pick which of the two you want this book to be. As it stands, it is forgettable as sci-fi, which seems tacked on as a plot device. The other story has potential, and the drama of the character works well. Lying to others, and getting called on it, in order to not confront her fears about intercourse and promiscuity seems a wonderful backdrop for some terrific erotic fiction. If not erotic fiction, then a drama where she gains the courage to stand by her convictions without misleading others or judging their behavior in the process. I think that this piece has potential, but it is not clear what kind of work you decided it should be. To the reader, it is equally unclear. I'm interested reading future drafts.   

Warmest Regards,

B

 

 

I believe your story would greatly improve if you added the following few lines in between

"Get away from me, you pervert!”." and

“Hey, I’m an innocent victim here. You’re the one who said okay-” :

 

"Seventeen hundred and sixty-six words. . ." Twotitties flaunted.

"Yes, that's a lot of writing," the voyeur goggled.

"Bet it took a long time," Twotitties exhaled as she arched her anorexic back.

"I'm afraid so," said the voyeur as he stretched out his sleazy arm for twotitties soft skin.

"Gastroxynsis," she said.

"Good Heavens," he squeeched, as he ran from the geodesic dome. "Profanity is chocolate to my ears!" 

"Oh, well," twotitties hummed, while eating her fingernails.

 

Otherwise, it comes across as a bit too, very much, maybe just a little bit, a tad bit, dull and verbose.

What do you think?

 

 

 Thank you for your crits you guys. I knew it needed work, but... I just couldn't see where.

Brian- Thank you for pointing this out to me. I didn't realize it was unclear to read. I don't think it will be erotic fiction, because I don't like writing stuff like that... if that makes sense.

Kirsten- Well, I'm pretty sure I explained that in the piece, but perhaps not. I'll have to tweak it a bit.

 

Kate, first off, the reason why Nova's thoughts aren't in italics is because you're not a pro member.  Formatting is only available to pro members, so it's not an error on your part.

The story is interesting, certainly has potential for a larger serial.  I'll have to look up what this prequeled.

There are some things that need work.  Nova's thoughts should really be something along the lines of spoken dialogue, but without the quotations.  For example,

That stupid dream is going to keep me up all night. She thought angrily.

Should really be,

"That stupid dream is going to keep me up all night, she thought angrily."

I especially like the idea of the concept of "breeders."  A very Brave New World type of thing.  Classic distopia.

And a very unusual voice of names, too, especially in Paris' case.  I would normally think of Paris as a woman's name, never heard of it as a man's name.

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