Kiss & Tell
short story, flash fiction, thriller, action, fiction, mystery
Published on:
April 14, 12:45pmWord Count:
1447Last Edited:
April 14, 2:11pmWork Description
This is a short story mystery I wrote as a 15 Minute freewrite from a prompt (which is the first few lines up to the question about the sweet potatoes, the pirahna, and the gun). Enjoy!
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my shoulders.
"Continue, Mrs. Smith," he prompted, "No one will harm you, you have my word. He could see I was shaken from the night's events; concern painted his face as clearly as the light from the park street lamps.
"I tried to stop him, but I was in shock. I couldn't move. I was so scared..."I held the hanky to my lips, then continued, "Charlie tied the bags to the man and rolled him down the rest of the hill to the water, then pushed him in - I guess he thought the fish would do the rest," I stopped - unsure what else there was to say.
The detective looked over at Charlie and sighed, shaking his head, "You know the man who attacked you, don't you?" he asked.
"The man Charlie shot?," I asked.
"Yes" he said, then stared at me, waiting for my reply.
"I didn't see his face clearly...he attacked us in the dark and then he was dead. I never looked at him."
"Mrs Smith, the dead man - his name his Gil Brooks - do you know that name?" He asked.
"Gil?" I breathed, staring at the detective wide eyed, "that's my husband's old business partner. That's impossible!" I screamed at him. "Why would Gil attack us?"
"We aren't sure he did," the detective replied.
"I am NOT lying to you!," I screamed in his face, then took a deep breath ," I don't understand," I whispered. I began to cry again, tears falling freely down my face.
"Charlie and Gil - why did they stop working together," he asked.
I paused, then dropped my head –“Gil was in love with me – Charlie – he was jealous and didn’t want him around anymore,” I shook my head, then looked back up at the detective standing in front of me “You don’t think….” I trailed off.
“What I think, Mrs.Smith, is that Gil came here to kill Charlie and/or you but got killed instead,” he said simply.
“But if it is self-defense, why are you taking Charlie into custody?” I asked.
“Well for one, disposing of a body and interfering with a capital charge investigation are felonies – felonies that clearly violate his probation, but in addition to that – the angle of the bullet suggests that Gil was shot from a distance, not point blank as you described,” he stated….he leaned closer to him, his breath hot on my face, “Charlie took the gun from Gil and then shot him in coldblood, didn’t he?” he asked, his intense gaze burned my eyes.
I put my face in my hands and began to cry uncontrollably in response, “yes,” I all but whispered, “Please understand, I didn’t want to lie,” I said – suddenly feeling urgent,”but Charlie – he’ll kill me if he knows that I told you!”
“Mrs.Smith? What is this?,” he asked, putting a bloodstained contract, already in an evidence bag, in front of me.
I didn’t have to look up, I knew what he had…”Divorce papers,” I said simply. “I was going to ask for a divorce if our talk tonight didn’t resolve anything.”
The detective nodded his head in a jerky motion toward one of his fellow officers and the cruiser, with Charlie in the back, drove up the path.
“Ma’am, you’ll need to come down to the station for a formal statement, c’mon,” he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, guiding me to my feet from my seat on the back of the ambulance.
“Am I under arrest, too?” I asked tentatively.
“No,” he said,”We believe you that you are afraid of Charlie, we ran his record soon after we got here, and he is a violent man, Mrs.Smith. I am sure the DA will grant you immunity for any possible charges in exchange for your testimony about the events here tonight.”
I nodded my head slowly, in a shaken jerky motion.
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OMG! What an ending! Took me completely by surprise at the ending of it. Now, If I had tried that, I'd be under the jail. (hehehe)
The layout of the story was great and in perfect harmony. It was as if I was sitting there with the characters hanging on to every word that was spoken. You must definitely keep up the good work and I will definitely be reading more of your stories.
To me, the moral of the story: Nobody ever expected us women to act like men that's why your story was so incredible. And what I mean by that is that most men wonder why we turn out the way we do, which if they had a clue they would know that we just learnt from what they taught us. "You Go Girl!"
- EFSage
Ha! saw that one coming. You captured the voice of the character wonderfully. In the short amount of time, you gave her a lot of life and depth. You also did well in catching the mood of the situation and setting. I admit, it was hard to place the paranhas and potatoes into the story at the beginning. You have a great way of keeping the reader questioning, but still not feeling like they missed something.
There are a few typos with the quotations. You might want to go back and review through all of them, make sure thier in order. I see someone else has already pointed them out, so i wont waste your time doing it again.
"I nodded my head slowly, in a shaken jerky motion." that statement kind of contradicts itself. it can't be slow and in a jerky motion at the same time, you know what i'm saying? it has to be one or the other.
other than that, i see no problems with the work. great story.
I thought this was a well written strory and the ending left a question in my mind about the relationship between Mrs. Smith and Gil. I think that is good, ending in a mystery and leaving it (somewhat) up to the imagination of the reader. Well done.
This was a wonderful piece, and I really enjoyed watching the story unfold. The effect of starting in the middle of the action, knowing nothing, and having the information revealed was pulled off nicely here.
You could go through and check for small typos like
if I ever told anyone be would kill me
There were also a couple of places where you broke from formal language. Actually, not really formal language as much as formatting. For instance:
he already has 2 strikes against him
you replace the word "two" with the number "2" at least twice that I noticed in this piece, which isn't very professional looking to the reader. However, here:
you know, the big 10lb ones
it is ok to say "10" instead of "ten" because you're talking about an actual measurement. At least, that's how I see it. To me it's always preferable to just spell out the numbers, unless they're very large....
Another place where I feel like it got to casual was here where you said
"He didn't do it on purpose!!"
I would only use one exclamation mark.
Another big thing I noticed was that the first couple of sentences was in present tense, while the rest of the piece was in past tense. It is also referring to a "you" that never returns throughout the entire rest of the story. Change it to past tense, and using "I" and "me" rather than "you.
He gnaws on his cigar, glares at you, takes a look at the blood spattered across the contract.
shouldn't this have an "and" in it. "glares at you, and takes a look..."
"We came down here, Charlie and me I mean, to talk. It was a nice night. He was trying to be romantic. We've been having trouble in our marriage lately and we were trying to reconnect, and maybe resolve some things," I took a deep shuddering breath, trying to steady my shaking hands and body. The cool night air pierced my lungs and helped clear my voice a little. Then I continued, "So we were walking near the little foorbridge. We started to argue about thing again..."
You did a nice job here of writing the way she would talk. I'm a bit confused about the setting of the story; in the beginning, I was picturing an interrogation room, but here it is implied that she is outside. Perhaps you could make the setting a bit clearer in the beginning of the story. And, again, looking out for typos. ("floorbridge" and "thing")
"I tried to call you, telling Charlie he was crazy, there was no
here, I think you were having her speak the way you would write it, not the way you would say it. Do you see what I mean? Maybe it would sound better to say something like "I tried to call you, I tried to tell charlie he was crazy! But there was no..."
He fell to his knees with a surprised kind of look
"I didn't see his face clearly
These two statements contradict each other.
One last thing I would point out is that the last paragraph is worded sort of awkwardly. Is there a way you could change the wording around there to make for better flow?
hopefully I've been helpful, and not just a nuisance. Really nice story, though. I'd love to read it again after some edits.
This was a very good story. I love the idea of it. 
Really good hook:
“The guns and the piranha I understand, but the sweet potatoes? Where do the sweet potatoes fit in with all of this?”
It makes the reader want to keep reading. :]
The plot was semi-believable, but it was a bit hard to follow when the story changed. Did he know Gil was coming? And screaming at a cop is a little ....dubious. Maybe you could just change the vocab a bit. I think there should also be bits that make the reader doubt Mrs. Smith. Because I believed her, until the very end. She should like, look to the side when he answers a question. Or something. Other than that, I really liked the plot. It's a good story. And there IS kindof a sub-plot with the detective. He made me suspicious, and I dont know if that was intended. Alterior motive, and such. Just from:
I noticed with an odd, fleeting clarity that it had intials sewn into one corner in blood red stitching - not his initials.
Maybe you meant to go somewhere with that, and I suggest you do. :] It left things unfinished, but then again it was a first draft. :] It was very interesting, to say the least.
The pace was good, I suppose. I'm sure that with a bit of effort, this could end up as a novel, or at least a longer story. But as it stands now, it is good. :] The only "sped up" bit was towards the end, where she basically walks away and reveals everything. I think that was rushed, or something.
There were some good descriptions, but some conflicting ones as well.
"He gnaws on his cigar, glares at you, takes a look at the blood spattered across the contract."
"Glares at you" doesnt keep with the P.O.V. Because shortly, it turns into "I."
Like I said, the only problem with P.O.V was the "glares at you" stuff. But also with the:
"He fell to his knees with a surprised kind of look..."
"I didn't see his face clearly..."
Like Taylor said, this confused me. How can you see his expression, without seeing his face clearly? :]She isnt all knowing, I dont think, so I'm not sure how she'd know that. Contradicting statements, but other than that, it all worked, I think. :]
They seemed real enough, especially the cop. I like the:
“Well for one, disposing of a body and interfering with a capital charge investigation are felonies – felonies that clearly violate his probation, but in addition to that – the angle of the bullet suggests that Gil was shot from a distance, not point blank as you described,”
The "captial charge" made him seem like a real cop. Good research, imagination, or whatever stroke of genius made you use that. :] I like it.
The dialog was pretty believable, I think it was the actions afterwards that made it seems fictional.
"I am NOT lying to you!," I screamed in his face,
Screaming "I'M NOT LYING!" just made me think she was a bit crazy. Who yells that?
Maybe consider: " 'I am NOT lying to you,' I said forcefully," or, " 'I am NOT lying to you,' I insisted." Screaming just seems TOO responsive, you know? Just some ideas. :]
There was also a LOT of dialog. Maybe include some more descriptions?
The spelling and grammar was pretty good, except for a few things. The ones that jumped out have already been mentioned, but this has a few problems:
“What I think, Mrs.Smith, is that Gil came here to kill Charlie and/or you but got killed instead,” he said simply.
The "Mrs.Smith" should have a space between the periond and the S. Mrs. Smith. And I noticed that throughout the whole story, actually. and the "and/or" doesn't fit either. It should be ''and'' OR "or." It just doesnt seem like how some one would talk. Unless they're reading something. Like instructions or a script. What might work is: " 'What I think Mrs. Smith, is that Gil came here to kill Charlie or you, maybe even both of you, and got killed instead,' he said simply." Just an idea to consider.
Also, "he said simply" detracts from the important-ness of the statement. It could just be what he said in quotes, without the "he said." That focuses the attention on the words, because [I think] thats a pretty big plot unfoldment.
“Please understand, I didn’t want to lie,” I said – suddenly feeling urgent,”but Charlie – he’ll kill me if he knows that I told you!”
I noticed there should be a space between urgent," and "but
Charlie". Instead of a dash, maybe say: "Charlie would kill me
if he knows that I told you!" And, I just noticed this,
"suddenly feeling urgent," seems a bit obvious? She just lied to
the police. That's a felony, and that's purgory. So of course it's
urgent. Instead of "I said," after her dialog, try: "I said
urgently," because thats what it is. Its urgent. Anyway. Im not
trying to beat it into you.
The cool night air pierced my lungs and helped clear my voice a little. Then I continued, "So we were walking near the little foorbridge. We started to argue about thing again..."
I thought they were inside? Maybe clarify that. Say the window was open, or whatever you want. Maybe she can drink some water. I dont know. It's up to you.
Well written overall, I think with the edits, it'll make an AMAZING story. :] I look forward to reading future stories, as well. :]
I enjoyed this story. Not too bad for a fifteen minute free write, eh? I enjoyed the story line, especially how you managed to work potatoes and pirhanas into a murder mystery of sorts. The only real criticism I have is mechanical. You have some punctuation problems. Punctuation goes inside qutoation marks. Also, if there is a question or exclamation mark, you don't need a comma. Examples:
I'm not sure if those were typos or just confusion about quotation rules. Well done, though. I liked how convincing she sounded even though it turned out she was lying.