Rebuild
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Print
I look around and your all I see
The face that once belonged to me
Still I can hear your laugh
Smell your cheap cologne
Lie to me, Boy,
Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me that you'll change your life
Tell me you'll be a better man for knowing me
Hold up the mirror and stare
Stare backwards at the world you won't face eye to eye
But remember everything is closer than it seems in the rear view
And hing sight is near perfect
Everyone has demons to fight
Chains to shake off
Shadows to battle
Bleeding hearts to bandage
You were once my world
You held my bleeding heart in your clenched jaws
Captured and locked away
Disillusioned to believe it was for my own protection
Your best intentions were my worst fears
I escaped your world of needles and powder
Dark Euphoria which controled the universe we lived in
Turning it into dark alleys and sterile hospitals
With white walls, white sheets, and rubbing alcohol perfume
Locked away to protect me from me
Signed in, Checked in, Locked in
Locked Away
I escaped all that in hopes of starting over
Only to find I had nothing left to start over with
No foundation to even begin
I am nothing
Nothing but bare bones and scar tissue
Molded into a shell of what I once was
Lost in shadowy bliss, dizzy waves crashing in
Fighting for every breath, every moment
Begging for another life
Realizing I'm the only one that can change it
Wondering if I'm strong enough to change it alone
Praying for the courage I lack to try
Hoping to entice the Gods to my assistance with my pleading
Help me, Please!
To rebuild, to revamp, to renovate
My existance
To melt and reshape its very structure into something
Anything
That I can be proud of
Then I realize
It's a decision, a conscious decision, to be made
And all I have to do is breathe
And be and live for the moments
for the moments that allow me to truly live
Everything else?
Everything else will fall into place
To rebuild myself
Into Me.
Rate This Work
Your honest rating will help the author improve, and you'll earn a little karma too.
Please log in to rate.Discussion
no matter what gramatical errors may show this i sone intense ride. I completly understand where this poem went and it brought me back to my time in teh gross underworld of addicition. congrats on the battle and keep up the poems moving very moving for someone like myself
Your piece definitley almost brought me to heart felt tears. It was very moving and motivating. You bring up the subject of rebuilding yourself and that's something everyone of us has to do some time of our lives. This was by far the best thing I have read since I have been a member of Scribophile. I think it might be because I can relate to it so strongly. You are definitely an awesome writer and I really encourage you to continue to write because you may touch someone else's heart as you did mines. Thanks for the wake up call.
hello kathleen- i like the tone in this poem and because i can relate to the feeling of being broken down by someone, esp. a guy!!
I look around and your all I see
i think that for rhythym's sake and for a more natural-sounding
flow, that this line should say: I look around, you're all I
see (also, it's the wrong kind of your, it should be 'you're' cuz
of the contraction 
Still I can hear your laugh
i think would sound better as: I still can hear you laugh (again, for readability and flow)
tell me I'm the only one
could be changed to say: tell me I'm the one (omitting the
'only' but that could stay and be fine
you use the phrase 'bleeding heart' twice in very close succession
also- the 3rd 'tell me' i think should be changed to 'that' and:::
tell me that you'll be a better man for knowing me
i think should be instead: that you are a better man for knowing me
because you will be is saying that 'you' havent made him better yet, referring to the future
also i agree with ariadne president about the capitalization issues, and about 'hing' sight
oh, and one last thing-- you say "locked away" too many times! change it up a little!!
i did like the overall feeling of th epoem, so keep up the good work!!
~Fainne
ps: read and critique my works!! click my name, scroll down, and click on the title
The poem sends a strong message although it covers two wide areas - abuse and substance abuse recovery. But somehow I feel a little left down in the ending. . . not that it isn't true but that it isn't substantial well the rest of the poem was. I just felt it didn't serve the rest of the poem as well as it should have.
You did a good job with the mood of the piece. It stays consistent through most of the poem until it changes at the end into something more tremulous.
The poem definitely flows well in free verse form.
Unfortunately, you have some grammatical errors. The very first occurs in the first line, your should be your are or you're
I look around and your all I see
in the following line
Dark Euphoria which controled the universe we lived in
"Euphoria" should be "euphoria" and "controled" should be "controlled". In the following sentence
Hoping to entice the Gods to my assistance with my pleading
It would sound better if you would say ' Hoping to entice the Gods to come to my assistance with my pleading". And in the sentence below
My existance
To melt and reshape its very structure into something
existance should be existence. Also, "hing: sight should be "hind" sight in
And hing sight is near perfect
This is a powerful theme, in fact, there are two, that of leaving a destructive lover, and that of becoming sober in its earliest days. It almost sounds like there are two poems merged into one. Each could stand on its own. Coming to terms with and leaving an abusive lover to a tough job. Going through the early days of sobriety are daunting, to say the least. Each deserves its "day in the sun" if you'll excuse a hackneyed, overused phrase.
This is a verry deep piece! It makes me want to curl up and read a scarey book, I dont know why it just does. Its great and I also thank it could be two poems. Having felt this way after a bad brakeup I know the power and sadness behind the words. Why this seems so deep(to me)is because the power the meaning is not only behind the words but seeping though them. Its so pronouned that you cant miss it. Keep up the good work, and keep writing!
Hello, Kathleen Dineen! How are you on this fine day? I am fine and I have just dropped by on my critiquing spree to say that you have a very active imagination when it comes to such poem as like this! I would also like to say that even though, you had a great poem with deep, dark, and brooding undertones, however, it has some errors that you have to edit and correct. Here they are, and I hope I have helped you do this poem better!
The word boy is capitalized. It should be written like boy rather than boy.
The word hing is incorrect and mispelled. It is hind sight, not hing sight, remember this in future poems that you will someday do. Or better yet, you can just copy and paste this onto Microsoft Word or Microsoft Processer. Either way works, yoour choice. Both programs can help you find the mispelled words, grammatical errors, fragmented sentences that you should revise in order to make them complete sentences.
The word euphoria is incorrectly capitalized. The only way that it can be capitalized is when that the word euphoria is a character, like for example, you would not say John like john.
The words checked and locked are both capitalized incorrectly. Lowercase them in order for them to make more sense than they do now. All in all, this was a great poem that you shared with scribophile and I believe that you have a great writing career ahead of you (If you want to do so, of couse). Just go with my suggestion and I hope that you write better! Please write on my scratchpad to tell me about the suggestions that I gave for you and maybe read the works in my profile. Take care and bye bye now! I wish to look and comment and more of you works someday!