Hi Katica,

     First of all, let me say that any comments or suggestions are my opinion only, and any you don't like, feel free to trash.  With that said, on to the crit.

     This is a very well written, well thought out story.  I especially liked that you began it with dialogue.  Some people say you shouldn't start a story out that way, but I think it's to each his own on that one.  And I like it.  It kind of plunges you right into the story and creates a hook and a sense of curiosity in the reader. 

     This crit will probably be short, because I really didn't find much to critique.  It's very professional, in my opinion.  What I didn't care for though, was all the violence and bloodshed, especially since they are animals, or some of them are anyway.  I'm an animal lover and all the dolphin blood and biting just sort of got to me.  But like I said, that's just me.

   You've written a very good story.  I can't really say anything negative about it, or I can't even think of ways to tell you to make it better.  I like the plot and the fantasy part of it.  Good job, and good luck with this if you rewrite.  Thanks for sharing, and have a great weekend.

Cathy

 hi, katica--

first, general comments: i loved the style of this story; the anthropomorphic animals and magical elements lend it a 'fable' feel. i felt myself slipping into a time long ago in a land far away.

some specifics:

"You shouldn't do this, Isurus," Rianna said. "Nothing is meant to live forever."

a great opening--i was immediately grabbed, drawn in by the timeless struggle against the natural order.

 He opened his mouth and took a deep breath as the water flowed across his gills.

you do a great job here (and throughout the story) of bringing these creatures' experience to life. i got to feel what being a shark feels like on a physical level. you also portray the mindset and philosophy of a shark in vivid detail. i felt Isurus's emotional hunger as much as his physical appetites.

Even asleep, unmoving deep within her cave, she touched him like the pounding of a thousand hearts. It was hard to think, to swim, instinct urging him to attack, to bite, to kill,

one of several great descriptive moments--very well done!

Above him, something hit the water, sending out an electrical shadow that eclipsed even the dragon's presence. It pulsed, sending out wave after wave of cold, needle-sharp energy. Isurus balked. How was he supposed to swallow something that huge? He circled, rolling onto his side as he searched the surface. There, riding the waves, silhouetted against the silvery light, was a single dark shape, barely bigger than the body of a blue crab.

He circled closer and the sea filled with the taste of blood, but not any blood he'd tasted before. This was a creature of the land.

this sequence involving Isurus' achieving immortality was the only bit which i felt needed more work. unfortunately, it's also the climax of the story. i'm unsure what's happening here--what the huge object is, or the smaller dark shape barely larger than a crab. you gave me clues, but i'm still unclear what's happening. what did Isurus eat? and why is he now immortal? this story doesn't feel quite complete without the answers to these questions.

i love magic in a story! as long as the internal logic holds, i'm happy as a clam. this being flash fiction (and forcing on us a word limit) makes telling a richly-detailed, fully-developed story difficult. you've already gotten the richly-detailed and intelligently written aspects down! now, clarify your climactic moment, and you've got a great story here.

thanks for writing an entertaining and smart tale, katica--i enjoyed reading it!

laurie

First things first: this premise rocks!  What a totally cool blend of fantasy, anthropomorphism and undersea adventure.  I was excited to read it as soon as I understood the idea and never looked back from there.  I would love to read a whole novel on this subject.

Having said that here's my rundown:

"I can't die like that, hauled up onto the deck of some stinking fishing boat, my fins sliced off and the rest dumped back into the sea like refuse, sinking into the crushing black, screaming all the way. I won't let them kill me."

It bothers me that Isurus knows so much about what the fishermen are doing.  Why does he have words like "fishing boat" to explain it?  To him these are alien abductions committed by the unknown and unknowable other.  You do an excellent job later on of putting the reader in the reality, but this early bit felt forced to me.

The Queen of the Depths had told him, swim as fast as you can to the den of the Scarlet Dragon. On the cliff above stands a castle. The sleeping dragon will stir. Whatever falls into the water at that moment, you must eat. If you do this, nothing in or on the sea will be able to harm you, not even age.

There is a lot of exposition in this paragraph.  Something about having a Queen, a dragon and a castle felt too much too soon.  I think these are all really cool elements but it feels like you are overworking the premise here.  If you could string out this information a little more, or give the players less medieval names that might help.

Being this close to the dragon was like swimming inside a school of nikara; his skin twitched and tingled from the press of the heavy electrical shadow. Even asleep, unmoving deep within her cave, she touched him like the pounding of a thousand hearts. It was hard to think, to swim, instinct urging him to attack, to bite, to kill, even though there was nothing there. He ignored it, and waited.

Great description here.  Spot on and really engaging.  Although I'm nor sure what an electric shadow is?  You use this idea repeatedly and I don't quite get it.  Is it something about the way a shark's senses work?

Isurus picked one and surged upward, swift strokes of his powerful tail propelling him forward. They realized he was there a moment too late and scattered, shrieking in fear, as he hit his victim from below. His teeth cut through the thick, rubbery skin, filling his mouth with hot, sweet blood. He twisted away, tearing out a chunk of flesh, and circled around again as he swallowed the bite whole. The five dolphins gathered around their injured kin and began to herd it back out to sea, their raspy clicking and piercing whistles grating across Isurus' skin. He started to follow, but the sea around him began to shudder and crackle, electricity prickling across his skin. The dolphins' screaming had awakened the dragon.

Love, love, love this part.  Beautifully written, easy to follow and it really puts you in the body of a shark.  What a great feeling!

How could this little lump of flesh be so powerful? Why should it fill him with such fear?

I think if this is to be a complete story, then what this is needs to be revealed.   It's too much of a mystery to the characters for the audience not to find out.

The dragon struck him in the side, her teeth piercing his rough hide, and he tasted his own blood in the water as he thrashed and struggled.

I actually read the first draft of this and if I remember write this is where you rewrote on Laurie's suggestion.  I remember feeling similarly confused my first read through, but know it reads fine.  Good job on revision.

The Queen had been right; he was immortal. With glee in his heart, he headed back to his feeding grounds, and to the waiting fishing boats.

What an awesome idea.  I love this open-ended ending.  It makes me want more, but also allows me to imagine all kinds of nastiness.  Very well done.

Thank you for sharing this story.  I really loved it.  I'm becoming a real fan of yours.  I may have to seek out your novel when it's released.  For now, I'm just looking forward to next Friday.

-Ben

her sleek, pale body cutting through the water at his side.

Until this line, I didn't realize they were swimming.  Once I read it, I had a hard time believing that such a detailed dialogue was being had as they swim.

Wait, as I read on, I figured it out.  I think that you let us know that they are sharks to tell us about the swimming, or not mention it at all, because that's what sharks do, after all.

By the Queen's Son, he'd put the fear of the sea into them.

"By the Queen's Son" read a little strange to me.  Almost a little flippant in the tone you've set, like someone saying, "If it's the last thing I do".  Purely my opinion, of course, but Isurus seems a bit more serious than that.

This is an interesting story that made me read more.  One question, and feel free to call me stupid, but what was the electrical shadow?  I didn't understand that every time you used it.  I like the theme and characterization of, well, sharks.  I'd work a bit more on setting description, which could be a powerful tool because it's under the ocean. 

Good Job.  I look forward to more of your work.

--Amber