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Prince Charming???, Chapter 1: Finding Prince Charming (Edited)

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romance, fiction
1st
Draft

Published on:

March 20, 3:26am

Word Count:

762

Last Edited:

March 20, 5:43pm

Work Description

Izabell (Iz) has seemingly been transported into a modern fairy-tale. Evil stepmother? Check. Evil stepsisters? Check. Prince Charming? Nope. Fairy Godmother? Nope. Okay, so it wasn't the perfect fairy-tale; but, it wasn't finished yet. Sometimes Happily Ever After is closer than originally thought.

Chapter Description

Intro to the story. It's not complete, but I wanted to post what I had.

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 This chapter is NOT complete...I just wanted to post what I had! Thanks!!

 

 

 

 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, the summer before my senior year in high school, my father remarries. His new wife, Darleene, has twin daughters, Jasleen and Harleen. Pathetic, right? Well, at that moment, my life became a classic beginning to a fairy tale. We moved across town, and I was farther away from Aiden, my best friend. Plus, there was no room for my stuff in my "room". It was really a half-room. There was enough room for an old daybed and one dresser in there. That was it. Jas and Har never did ANY housework. Nope, none. I had to do it all. Plus, I had to keep my grades up.

The first week in October was a horrible one. Aiden got beat up by some jocks at school (it was "what he deserved" for being a "freak"). Then, Aiden and I got into a fight because I refused to let Miss Mayburry enter my poems into the city-wide poetry contest. He was being such a baby about it. Okay, so maybe I was a little carried away with it too. I was just so fed up with people telling me what I should do. After a particularly long day of school, I climbed the dingy stairway that led to my "room", and collapsed down on the "bed".

Until Dad shouted at me for dinner, I stared at the ceiling. All the while, I couldn't help but to think: If my life is so much like Cinderella's, where's my fairy godmother and handsome prince? It just wouldn't be a true fairy-tale unless I had my handsome prince and fairy godmother.

 

The next day at school, I walked through the halls alone. Until, I spotted a tall, skinny, boy with layered, black hair that fell into his green eyes. He had snake bites and always had on eye-liner. "Aiden," I said happily. I needed to talk to him. I needed to get past our argument. I needed to tell him about the hot new guy.

Now, I know what you're thinking. My best friend is gay, right? Wrong. Aiden's not gay. I just always talked to him about things like guys, kissing, and sex. I just felt that I could be open with him. Our feelings were completely platonic, though.

 "Hey, Iz," said Aiden after I attacked him with a hug. There was no need for us to apologize. We both knew we had over reacted; and, hey, we needed each other. We walked to class with his arm draped over my shoulders.

I stopped in the doorway of the classroom when I noticed the new guy sitting at the table Aiden and I shared. 'He's hot and into photography,' I thought. 'Maybe Prince Charming isn't so far off.'

Aiden smirked at me. I knew he could tell I already liked the handsome stranger. "Come on, then," he said. "Let's go meet Prince Charming."

I rolled my eyes. It surprized me sometimes how well he knew me. Aiden and i sat down at the table. I smiled at Charming and said, "I'm Izabella."

His smile was gorgeous, as was his blue eyes. "Sandy," he replied.

Aiden tried not to laugh at his name, so I elbowed my friend. He noticed that Sandy clutched a football schedule in his hand. He made a disgusted face. "You play football?" he said incredulously.

Defending his sport, Sandy said, "Yes. Is that a problem?"

"No," I answered, "I think it's great." Aiden looked at me with a mix of shock and disgust. 'What am I doing?' I thought. 'I hate jocks; but, Sandy seems different.'

Sandy and I talked all class period. Aiden sat there, moodily doodling on his notebook. As soon as the bell rang, Aiden jumped up and rushed out. Sandy walked with me to my locker. Then we walked to math together.

I couldn't believe my luck. The hot, new football star was being nice to me. Hell, he even flirted with me and introduced me to his friends. Those people who had only ever teased me welcomed me warmly. Enjoying the new found attention, I didn't realize I hadn't seen Aiden since first period.

After school, I waited for him, but he never showed up. Sighing, I walked home. I wanted to tell Aiden that Sandy had asked if I'd go to the first game and join him at the after-party. It all was

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Discussion

I like your story a lot! It definitely has an interesting start to it. I have only done a few critiques so hopefully this will be helpful.

I like your characters, but I don't know much about their background. What is Izabella's relationship with her father? We know that he remarries, but is it because his wife died, like the traditional story, or as some modern stories have put it, 'Cinderella''s mother and father are divorced and that's how the stepmother comes in. What is Izabella's relationship with Aiden, beyond best friend status? How long have they been friends? What is his personality like? Also where is the setting for this story? Does it take place in California? New York? Some random small town in Nebraska?

Also, slow down the pace of the story. It runs by too fast and its confusing in the beginning when it jumps from her father getting remarried in the summer before her senior year to October. Maybe add a line or something in that eases the transition. Like, I was able to deal with this until the first week of October..., etc. Also who is Miss Mayburry? Is she Aiden and Izabella's English teacher, some poetry nut, a random neighbor?

After a particularly long day of school, I climbed the dingy stairway that led to my "room", and collapsed down on the "bed".

Until Dad shouted at me for dinner, I stared at the ceiling. All the while, I couldn't help but to think: If my life is so much like Cinderella's, where's my fairy godmother and handsome prince? It just wouldn't be a true fairy-tale unless I had my handsome prince and fairy godmother.

Why is the next paragraph started with until?  I apologize, I'm a grammar freak, but the structure of the sentence is confusing. It would be a lot easier to understand if you flipped the first sentence around. I stared at the ceiling until Dad shouted at me for dinner.

Anyway, these are just my opinions. Hopefully they help!

LoraliSophia

 THANKS SOOOOO MUCH!!! i really appreciate ur critque...i'll definatly think back on the things u said....

 

this is really just more of getting my thoughts in order...and trying 2 set the story up.....it's a VERY rough draft.....but thanks!!!

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