Very nice poem. I like the touch-and-go use of a rhyming pattern. It gives is a bit of a timeless whimsical feel. Very enjoyable.

The ending though, I don’t know if its right. In the first half of the poem we come to like Jane. She is a smart girl, with friends, all she wants is to be attractive, because she knows that if you are not attractive then you end up alone. The ending seems a bit harsh on her. She doesn’t seem to want ultimate beauty, she just wants to be more then plain.

Maybe a different ending, where Jane doesn’t necessarily die, but just learns the meaninglessness of beauty when compared to other values. That or you should in the beginning make it out that Jane is more obsessive in her pursuit of beauty

 OK, nice little piece, but I wanted Jane to learn something before she died. I was a bit disappointed. I knew there would be an ironic twist, it just seemed too abrupt. I wanted more. Don't get me wrong, I do like it and it is clever, I just think you could go a bit farther with it... in my opinion.

Technically, your use of punctuation seems inconsistent. For example, the first two lines. A period at the end of the first and not one at the end of the second. I would just drop punctuation from lines less than three words, but I think that may be a personal preference.

You don't have to end lines with rhyming words. It's ok to use internal rhyme. I think the way you use enjambment in lines 4 and 5 makes the reading somewhat awkward. I'm sorry if I'm being too picky.

There should be a comma before 'yet.' 'only' and 'just' are redundant. I don't want to rewrite the poem, but what do you think about this:

Jane was despondent

No one could guess why

She was very clever

Had talent

Yet never once smiled

Only  sighed

 You do not need a comma between looks and common.

I love the assonance in this

The trait she was missing

She’d merely dismiss them

 

I’d rather soon fade

Then live solely in grey.”

'then' should be 'than'. Than is used for comparison, then denotes time or cause and effect.

 hello hello kay tor--

very nice poem, i like the idea of an almost fairy-tale like girl who is plain, but wants more. i do heartily agree with elle, though, i thought also that jane should have learned something before she died ( because even though dying was her 'reward', she doesnt know her mistakes because she is, well, dead! )i think also that, for readability pruposes, the line:

No one could guess why

should be "None could guess why"  instead because it flows a little more and sounds more natural

also, the line:

 

my looks, common as stone

should be "my looks have no tone"  or "my looks, common stone" because it still maintains the idea that jane doesn't like her plain looks, but also flows more easily in the syllables

And Jane's friends all left her

i think should be: "And Jane's friends had all left her" again, for smoothness in rhythym and more natural flow

and--

Jane had been transformed

i think should be: Jane was transformed

the last stanza sort of breaks the "pattern" of rhyming in the rest of the poem: it starts with a couplet instead

one last thing-- how can a night be "twinkling"?  just a thought, since the word twinkling is used more to describe the stars, rather than the night.

hope this helps, and keep up the good work!!

~Fainne                                   ps: could you read and critique my works? would be much appreciated click my name, scroll down, and click the title. thanks!!

This is such a beautiful poem. It depicts the constant struggle adolescent girls have today. Many girls compare themselves to celebrities and don't try to step back and look at their own special qualities. This poem would be very inspiring for a health class.

get work

you have good structure and the rhymes were on point

keep up the great work !

-maybememories