Scene from a Hotel Room
drama, fiction, mature
Published on:
May 14, 7:32amWord Count:
1302Work Description
This is a scene featuring the two wonderfully broken people from "Honeymoon in Hell." This scene is set a couple of years before "Honeymoon in Hell" and their descent has not reached anywhere near the depths seen in "Honeymoon", but the makings of their race to the bottom are more than there. We also learn more about both our narrator's background, as well as his Ezra's. Also, be forewarned, if you're easily-offended than you probably shouldn't read this. It's not really that bad, but then again other people have different standards of decency than I do.
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I reached into the white marble tub with one hand cupped
and pulled out a handful of foaming soapy water. It quickly drained
between my fingers and in a moment my hand was empty and damp.
“You know I could just pay for you to stay here…I can even stay
somewhere else if you don’t want me here too. Please, just stay in
Montreal, that’s all I care about at this point.” She smiled at me
from the bath, her naked body glistening from the light of the
ornate lamp that was plugged in next to the sink. Her shimmering
form spun around like a Mermaid in the warm water as she flipped
around to face me. “And why do you want that so badly, dare I ask?”
she inquired with a coy smile.
“It’s the only guarantee I have against you going back to San
Diego; from going back to him.” I stated plainly; sternly even. Her
smile quickly faded.
“So you think you can just box me up here? You think you control
me? You own me, is that it? I’m just some pet in a pen to you!” She
was hoping she could scare me; intimidate me into a verbal retreat.
She would have no such luck. I’d learned how to not be scared of
her a long time ago. “Ezra, I hardly would call a $600 room a
cage.” She stood up in the bath and glowered at me. Water dripped
off of her nude features into the tub in soft plinks. She wrapped a
soft cotton bathrobe around herself and pouted.
“David, a golden cage is still a cage, you know.”
She wrapped her hair hastily in a monogrammed hotel towel. Her
appearance was like that of an ancient Greek goddess as she stepped
out of the bath and onto the soft green bathmat. Her thin foot
cautiously searched out a spot in the thick synthetic fibers. The
carpet looked like some sort of bizarre grass contrasted against
the foot of a bathing Aphrodite.
“I am not an animal, David, if you think you can cage me…think you
can keep me where you want me…I’m definitely not some high
maintenance parakeet for you to stop by and play with whenever you
get a whim.”
She brushed by me and breezed through the dark cherry wood doors
into the suite. I didn’t follow her. I just sat in the dark wooden
desk chair that still faced toward the bath. I took one last drag
on my cigarette and stamped it out into the swan-shaped porcelain
ashtray. I twisted my back towards the door and half-shouted into
the room after her. “So what are you going to do then? Go back to
San Diego? Gonna go back to Joe in his nice doublewide trailer full
of his friends; gonna go back to meth and beatings and those classy
fella’s with their mullets and NASCAR? Is that it?”
She stormed back through the doors, her blue eyes glowing hot with
fury now. I probably went a bit overboard there…
“Just who do you think you are, huh? Tell me, just what exactly is
it that I owe you?” She moved in and her face was less than an inch
from mine. She wanted a fistfight. I wasn’t going to indulge her. I
held steady and spit as much venom back as I could manage.
“How dare you talk to me like that, you bitch”, I hissed through my
teeth “ You know I gave you a life…before me you were just some
trailer-trash slut who’s only real skill was giving head. I made
you a real woman…you cheap dirty whor-“ She slapped me. Hard. I
probably deserved it; I didn’t mean to be that harsh. Maybe we were
going to fight after all. Now she was full-force screaming.
“So that’s what it is huh? The cards are out on the table now, it’s
pretty clear what you think. I’m just some…some…sick combination of
concubine and home-improvement project! You think you own
me…goddamn…” she wavered through a trembling jaw with shimmering
tears in her eyes. She continued shouting:
“Fuck you, fuck you in your rich playboy heir ass, you cocky
self-serving spoiled son of a bitch!” She slapped me again.
I didn’t mean to get
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This is my first critique. I am a 'hesitant' writer because of some stupid fear of what, I don't know but reading this story opened up my mind and made me realize I can do it too!
Yes, the plot was believable! The story was easy to follow and it grabbed me the first sentence! A very good story that connects to anyone that has been in a similar situation. The story was long enough and could hold itself right there and the readers imagination could take it anywhere. Personally, I would be very interested in reading more of what happens in this relationship. The writer could definitely write a novel from she has started from this story! Like some more history on Ezra and what she has already been through to get her to where she was in this story. A lot of unanswered questions, but like I wrote earlier, it sets my imagination to figure it out.
Yes, the pace was great! Full of action right from the start. I was not bored at all!
Yes, the descriptions were very vivid. I could feel myself right there in the midst of the story. A very well written piece.
Point of view was consistent.
Oh yes, the characters were very real, I had a connection right from the beginning. And the characters had unique personalities but enough generality to connect other readers to the same situation they might be in themselves.
The dialog was, for the most part, natural and believable. I get a bit offended by vulgarity in a story, but I also believe vulgarity can sometimes describe the characters' personality more clearly.
No, I thought the grammar was okay and there weren't any spelling issues, which would have turned me off from the start.
I am going to add this story to my reading list to see if other chapters and instances are added. And I just might subscribe to this also. I'm new to Scribophile and that's the only reason for my hesitance.
I reached into the white marble tub with one hand cupped and pulled out a handful of foaming soapy water. It quickly drained between my fingers and in a moment my hand was empty and damp.
“You know I could just pay for you to stay here…I can even stay somewhere else if you don’t want me here too. Please, just stay in Montreal, that’s all I care about at this point.” She smiled at me from the bath, her naked body glistening from the light of the ornate lamp that was plugged in next to the sink. Her shimmering form spun around like a Mermaid in the warm water as she flipped around to face me. “And why do you want that so badly, dare I ask?” she inquired with a coy smile.
“It’s the only guarantee I have against you going back to San Diego; from going back to him.” I stated plainly; sternly even. Her smile quickly faded.
“So you think you can just box me up here? You think you control me? You own me, is that it? I’m just some pet in a pen to you!” She was hoping she could scare me; intimidate me into a verbal retreat. She would have no such luck. I’d learned how to not be scared of her a long time ago. “Ezra, I hardly would call a $600 room a cage.” She stood up in the bath and glowered at me. Water dripped off of her nude features into the tub in soft plinks. She wrapped a soft cotton bathrobe around herself and pouted.
This whole bit could use some clarifying. It's very well written with fantastic description, but I had to decipher who was saying what. Use of paragraphing by who's speaking or doing what would help with this. Simple fix.
I just sat in the dark wooden desk chair that still faced toward the bath.
The word "still" threw me off a bit. Why would it have moved?
I probably went a bit overboard there…
I'd recommend dropping the word "there" because it implies a place and could cause confusion.
She slapped me. Hard. I probably deserved it; I didn’t mean to be that harsh. Maybe we were going to fight after all. Now she was full-force screaming.
This has some real tension built in, but simple spacing could really add to it.
She slapped me.
Hard.
I probably deserved it..."
See what I mean?
She didn’t respond; she just silently threw her flower pattern suitcase onto the bed.
Again, this could have it's own line for impacts sake.
She cut me off.
This should be on the next line, joining her dialogue.
I plopped down onto the bed in a certain level of shock.
This was a strange description of shock. It read strange to me.
Interesting story with a very clear tone. I think the only problem I really saw is paragraphing and spacing. Other than that, great job.
Amber
When i read the first sentence i knew it was going to be good. Very good description. i liked the attitude of the woman but i did not understand why he would get mad at her saying,
it is funny how he says how he would not indulge her by getting into a physical fight with her but then gets into one later on in the story.