Welcome to Scribophile, Lauren!  Since I'm guessing you're here to improve your writing, I'm not going to pull any punches even though this will be your first critiqued work.  Don't be upset if it looks like I'm not focusing on the positive aspects of your work.  I find it much easier to focus on what needs improvement, but trust me there were things I liked about the story as well.  (Or maybe I'm just a jerk)  That being said:

This is in need of a good pruning and a re-write for clarity/grammar/etc in some areas.  The dialogue is a bit stilted in places, as well.

The biggest problem, especially in the first part, is the tense disagreements.

As I opened my eyes, the world became flooded with hues of red and white. Was I of this earth? Am I seeing through the same eyes I have become so familiar with? I didn’t know nor did I feel the need to find out.

...

That voice was so sweet and serene. I wanted to hear more of it. Oh please, speak again. I want to hear another human’s voice other than my own, mind-trapped voice.

As you can see, there's a lot of past tense (which fits with the rest of the chapter) and a good bit of present, as well.  I would suggest losing all the present tense verbs.  Also, "mind-trapped"?   The dialogue(?) should probably be in quotes, as well.

Also, I have no idea what the heck's going on in this first section, nor what on earth it has to do with the rest of the chapter.  Is it something that would make more sense entirely as a separate prologue?  The way it's coupled with this chapter makes me think it should connect in some way, but it doesn't.

Moving on to the rest:

“Leona, we’re out of eggs!” shouted Lilian, while scrounging in the family fridge like a rat in a dumpster. “Daniel, you’re supposed to have fetched the eggs two days ago!”

"are supposed to have fetched"!?  Eek!  "Were supposed to fetch", please.  There should be a comma after her name, and you don't really need to say it's the family fridge.  We can determine from other clues that they're a family, and it doesn't matter too much whose fridge it is.

Oh, how I fervently loathe that woman. I do not understand why men flock to her as if she were the sun on a cold winter’s day. Her long, blonde locks and full bosom only reminds me of disease and hatred.

"Sun on a cold winter's day" is a bit cliche, but okay.  Why "That woman"?  She's his sister!  "Sometimes I loathe my sister."  The last underlined section begs for some explanation.  Is she some kind of death cultist?  Why the heck otherwise would her good looks remind him of "disease and hatred"?  There's no reason I can see, and the rest of the chapter doesn't really keep up this morbid kind of humour.  If you must, maybe something more like: "Whenever I look at her, all I can see is the bitter old woman she'll become when her beauty fades." 

Lilian apparently was not done speaking towith me. “There you go again with that awful stare of yours. I am used to men looking at me, but your look seems to come from the depths of.. oh, what is it? The underworld!”

I'm not sure if that last bit is supposed to be snappy or something, but it just comes across as excessively ditzy.  She forgot what the underworld was, or what?

   I am not cruel enough nor am I stupidly manipulative enough to stay quiet for long. “I hope my glare, or as you say it, stare from the underworld, can send you to the same place from whence it came.”

            Lilian blinked twice and pursed her lips. One would think a woman of 27 years would feel it unnecessary to make such childish expressions. Yes, thought can only go so far.

How is staying silent cruel?  Especially how is it "stupidly manipulative"?  For that matter, is it even possible to be "stupidly manipulative"?  "From whence gets the full formatting treatment because it's one of my pet peeves.  "Whence" means "from where".  Thus, "from whence" is redundant.  If you can't get your archaisms right, don't use them!  "to the same place it came from" is perfectly respectable, and using archaic words to make things seem "fantasy" is really hard to do without overdoing it and just making it seem like purple prose.  (For an example of good fantasy writing that isn't all archaic, check Jacqueline Carey.  It's all about the way things are phrased, you see, and less about word choice.)

The last two sentences are underlined because the last sentence makes little sense.  "Yes"?  Also, "one would" is very pompous phrasing.  "Even though she's almost thirty, Lilian still makes childish expressions" or something (but not as bad as what I just wrote) would be better.

  In the midst of the lovely quiet created out of Lilian’s inability to respond to my simple retort, my mother entered the room and pondered both of us in bewilderment.

            “I could have sworn I heard shouting, but I guess today we are just enjoying each other’s company,” said my mother while smiling her signature, toothy smile. I do not know of many who could feel negativity towards such a humble and gentle a woman. She and her round, red cheeks and slightly messy hair could only exist to be loved and adored, though sometimes I wished she would take better baths.

Here your prose starts to veer towards the purple. Trim those extra adjectives mercilessly!  Cut out those extra things like "while smiling her signature toothy smile"!

The dialogue needs work.  Say it aloud.  Does it sound like something somebody would actually say in a real conversation?  To me, it doesn't.  The main culprit here I think is "we are just enjoying each other's company". 

   “Eggs, Leona,” spoke Lilian, breaking her minute of silence. “If I could remember correctly, Daniel was supposed to go out to town to buy eggs a few days ago.”

            “She’s right, Dan,” said my mother. “You were supposed to buy eggs when you went into town. I remember you left for town, but I can’t recall you returning home with eggs in hand.”

Again, isn't this his sister?  Maybe it's not for that matter.  I really can't tell any more.  If she is his sister, it's weird that she calls her mother Leona.  If it's not his sister, who is it?  Just some random person who was pilfering "the family fridge"?  If she noticed he didn't have any eggs when he got back, why didn't she say something then?  Especially if, as you suggest, he has a reputation as the forgetful type.

    I am admittedly forgetful and easily amused by absurdities. That night in town, oh what was it? Oh right. I was walking by a bookstore, on my way to purchase those dreadful eggs, when I saw a crack in the bookstore window in the shape of a leaping rabbit. I found it quite interesting, so I examined the crack a bit longer, chuckled to myself, and turned back for home.

            “If anyone should be at fault in this situation, it should be the rabbit.” Yes, sometimes I say things to purposely bewilder those listening to me.

"I admit, I'm forgetful," would sound a lot better at the start.  Lose the rambly "Oh right" stuff, and the sentence will flow a lot better.  Dreadful eggs?  I get the feeling that he's rolling his eyes oh so dramatically, but it's still a little eh.  This might be a case of "Kill your babies".  Especially after he says the crack in the window is interesting (And how can a crack in a window be shaped like a rabbit?  I think it might need to be something other than a crack!) I expected some description.  Instead, he simply comes, snickers for a second, and leaves again.  Is he THAT scatter-brained?  How does he remember to eat?!

In the dialogue, you need to either change "at fault" to "blamed" or the "should be"s to "is"es.  To start, I was only going to cross out the "Yes", but then I decided to erase that whole sentence.  After all, you clearly show us his relatives bewilderment right after, and it should be pretty obvious that he's saying it on purpose.  (If not, it will only increase the flighty impression the readers are getting of him)

     Lilian shook her head and put her hands on her waist. “Oh how should I know!” she shouted. “That boy speaks riddles. I’d put him off as a witch if he were a woman and he can, as a matter of fact, pass as a woman if he wished to.”

            I was getting dead tired of women and their jealousy of my facial features. Just because they look like men, it doesn’t mean I look like a woman.

"Shouted" just seems like a wrong verb in the context, so I just deleted her "she verbed" bit altogether. 

"Put him off" as a witch?  Pass him off, maybe?  Write him off?  Think him a witch?  "if he were a woman and he can, as a matter of fact, pass as a woman if he wished to." has all sorts of problems.  If nothing else there's tense disagreement.  We've slipped perilously into a present/past confusion again.  (can vs pass vs wished)  Past, again, or potential (could instead of can) is the way to go.  That aside, it just needs to be rewriten.  Split it into two sentences.  "For that matter, he could pass for a woman, too!"

I have a hard time with "I was getting dead tired", because this is the only time we ever see it happen.  The long-suffering feel our protagonist(?) is going for just doesn't work too well for me.  Maybe it just needs to be re-written?  I'm not sure.  For the last part, maybe "Just because they're ugly doesn't mean I look like a woman."?

“Oh, just throw a long-haired wig on him and he could pass as a your daughter,” laughed Lilian pompously.

            “That’s enough, Lilian,” spoke said my mother while gently wiping some sweat from her brow. “You know Gerif wouldn’t like it if he comes home and hears you talking of his boy being feminine.”

In fact, just delete "he could pass for a woman" sentence from the above exchange and replace it with this opening sentence!  It works much better.  But kill those adverbs (pompously, gently) dead!  "your daughter" instead of "a daughter": the latter begs the question "a daughter of what?"

gently wiping sweat???  Is that even possible?  Purple!  For that matter, why is she wiping sweat?  Is this a weaboo thing? (^_^;?  Is it hot in here or something?  Cut, cut, cut!

"Talking of his boy being feminine" is a wordy and awkward way to say this, but I can't think of a better.  I'm sure you can!

Ever since I was born, strangers would note how “cute” and “angelic” I looked. After gazing lovingly at me for a few more minutes, however, these strangers would take two steps back and gasp after seeing that their little 'angel' is glaring menacingly at them. I actually think my glare is the cutest thing about me. How curious...

As I quietly laughed to myself in reminiscence of my childhood angelic glares, the usual quiet of the house was struck with three harsh knocks to the door.

"Note" is an odd choice of verb there.  Trimming again for extra adjectives.  Lovingly?  snippity-snip!  out go the adverbs.  "is glaring" is tense disagreement, we're obviously far in the past here so the present has no place.  I've changed "their little angel" (they're strangers after all!) to the 'angel', since I think that gives a better message that they're mistaken.  If you're going to use an ellipsis at the end of "how curious", that's three dots, not two!  Two dots is a typo.

The underlined clause needs major work.  It's purple, I'm afraid.

“Aooh, I hope it isn’t him again,” sighed Lilian. “The ‘Disturber of the Peace’ he is or more so the ‘disturber.’”

The one thing Lilian and I had in common is our disgust of the person who was probably impatiently waiting outside our door, but I guess I had no choice but to let the fool in. I turned the knob of the door and was greeted by a smile, an excrutiatingly-disturbing smile.

Aooh?  Typo, or vaguely Scottish groan?  You can probably save the confusion and just stick to "Oh,"  The bit after Lilian needs to be rewritten.  If nothing else, it needs a comma after "he is"  Also, "the disturber" and "the disturber of the peace" is not really all that different.  "Or at least disturbed" maybe?  More tense disagreement with "had in common is".  This time I'd suggest moving it into the present, since I assume they both still have this in common.

"the person who was probably impatiently waiting outside our door".  Yikes, that's wordy!  Can you give the guy a name at this juncture?  If nothing else, you can probably lose "impatiently waiting".  Three "harsh" knocks should already give us an ample idea of his character and that he's waiting. 

Why does the guy have no choice but to let him in?  I think you would heighten the humour more by having them all sneak around trying to pretend not to be home for a while.  Maybe he could try the knob and find it unlocked, and catch them all in the act of trying to hide behind the sofa or in the fridge or something like that.  There's not enough conflict here, really.  It's "Oh, I hate this guy so much.  Guess I'll let him in!"

There's no need to repeat "a smile, a... smile", so I crossed out the first one.  "excruciatingly disturbing smile"?  Drop the adverb, if nothing else.  I don't think a smile can really be excruciatingly disturbing.  (Also, you've misspelled it)

I'm guessing from the overall clues that you're a fairly young writer, and relatively new to writing.  This is a lot better than my earlier writing, so don't despair!  You're definitely on the right track.  A large part of writing well is actually just rewriting things.  Even best-selling authors usually have to re-write a given page upwards of five times before they're satisfied, so don't feel discouraged if you find yourself going back over things again and again.

However, don't not go over things, either.  If you don't, you'll find it really hard to improve in your writing.  The good news is, the more you do it the easier it will get.  Eventually it will become second nature (and you'll end up a sad pedant like myself).

Good luck on your re-write, and I'd love to see a second draft of this chapter, since I think it has real potential!

 Hey Lauren,

Thanks for sharing this piece.  I enjoyed the opportunity to read it.

The best thing about this story is how the main character has dimension.  Distracted, snarky, feminine, menacing.   All these are very well portrayed in the work.  So often people write blank characters who lack any personality.  Daniel is definitely not one of those characters.

Something you may want to work on is the setting.  I had trouble picturing the action because you haven't really established where and when this is happening.  The character's sometimes speak in archaic language, yet they have a refridgerator and go to a book store.  Also, Daniel is a "peasant" and has to go to a specific place to buy eggs.  So, I think that the timing of the story needs to be established.  It is either a typical fantasy/fairy tale setting, modern day, or some combination of the two.  If it is a combination then establishing the setting is all the more important.

Vivid Elegance Chapter 1: Carei of Sveten

Not sure on these titles.  Since this is a first chapter I will reserve judgement on the book title (except to say that I probably would not pick up a book with that title off the shelf).  The chapter title is more troubling.  On the first read it means nothing since it is two made-up words connected with a preposition.  As we read we understand that it is the name of the family and the town, but is that important?  It implies that the whole family is going to be important, but doesn't go much further.  This is your first chance to hint at a story.  Use it for all it's worth.

As I opened my eyes, the world became flooded with hues of red and white. Was I of this earth? Am I seeing through the same eyes I have become so familiar with? I didn’t know nor did I feel the need to find out.             Hush, my child.             That voice was so sweet and serene. I wanted to hear more of it. Oh please, speak again. I want to hear another human’s voice other than my own, mind-trapped voice.              There are only three days left.             Three days? Three days left until what? These questions, I should stop asking them. Who will answer me? Oh, my questions will not stop flooding into my unfeeling head. They are closing. My eyes. They are…

 I'll agree with Stewart, this is more prologue.  I would also mention that a prologue can be a crutch and it might be best to omit it, or at least finish the book and come back and see if it is still needed.

I think Stewart covered most of the conventions.  The only other advice I have is that you may want to consider a third person perspective or possibly another narrator.  While you create an interesting character in Daniel he is not someone I'm interested in sharing brain-space with.  He's too despicable.   I either need a little narrative distance or something pleasant about Daniel, so I can identify with him as a person.

I hope that is helpful to you.  Stewart covered the nity-gritty, so I tried to take a wide view.  I also look forward to another draft and/or chapter of this story.

-Ben

Purple, in terms of prose, means its a little too ornate, or there's too much stuff going on in it.  Check out the Bulwer-Lytton contest for extreme examples.  Your prose is good for the most part, it's just every now and then it gets a little too packed with stuff. 

I didn't really think it was all anime fanatic with the sweat drop, but I really couldn't think of any other reason why she'd be wiping sweat off her face.  Also it was like 2AM.  (But at least you have now been exposed to the wondrous Perry Bible Fellowship comics!)

Looking forward to draft 2!

 I found this unconventional piece of writing quite interesting and thought provoking, the feedback to this article was even more thought provoking. The reviewers are extremely focused on details, language and everything that professional critics would look into. So a big cheers to the reviewers who provided interesting insights into this short story.

As a reader, I am not inclined to pick up a book or short story with the title that it has right now, something simpler, catchier or crispier would be better. The feeling of confusion reins in when one stumbles to understand what Daniel's thought process is driven by. We know he is a peasant boy but a description about the kind of place he lives in, the period and such essential details are not covered. That would have enabled a reader to develop a visual image of the scene too.

Paras like this only add to the clutter and confusion:

Three days? Three days left until what? These questions, I should stop asking them. Who will answer me? Oh, my questions will not stop flooding into my unfeeling head. They are closing. My eyes. They are…

Another para that somehow failed to evoke any compelling or positive feeling at all is this:

  Oh, how I fervently loathe that woman. I do not understand why men flock to her as if she were the sun on a cold winter’s day. Her long, blonde locks and full bosom only reminds me of disease and hatred.

I am not sure why Daniel should loathe 'that woman' so much. The comment on the woman reminding him about disease and hatred seems too exaagerated. That is probably the last feeling a boy would feel towards a very pretty girl, even if she happens to be his sister and that too even if she is unkind, the comment cannot justify his comparing her beauty to disease. Something is missing here because Daniel obviously loathes her but is unable to validate or justify it with actual logic. This makes a reader wonder whether Daniel has a logical thought process at all.

The following para seemed to read smoothly:

       “Eggs, Leona,” spoke Lilian, breaking her minute of silence. “If I could remember correctly, Daniel was supposed to go out to town to buy eggs a few days ago.”

            “She’s right, Dan,” said my mother. “You were supposed to buy eggs when you went into town. I remember you left for town, but I can’t recall you returning home with eggs in hand.”

            I am admittedly forgetful and easily amused by absurdities. That night in town, oh what was it? Oh right. I was walking by a bookstore, on my way to purchase those dreadful eggs, when I saw a crack in the bookstore window in the shape of a leaping rabbit. I found it quite interesting, so I examined the crack a bit longer, chuckled to myself, and turned back for home.

            “If anyone should be at fault in this situation, it should be the rabbit.” Yes, sometimes I say things to purposely bewilder those listening to me.

Then the story heads off to an angle where Daniel is mocked at for his angelic 'feminine' looks and what value does this add to the plot. Why does Daniel then go into thoughts about how often strangers admire his angelic looks only to be bewildered by a menacing side later on. What drives Daniel to turn menacing to those who express interest or admiration in him? Nothing about Daniel's behavior seems logical.

But the proverbial calm before the storm is again disruptive than soothing as the following para speaks mroe riddles than anything helpful or interesting for a reader to think about the plot and where it is headed to:

“Aooh, I hope it isn’t him again,” sighed Lilian. “The ‘Disturber of the Peace’ he is or more so the ‘disturber.’”

The one thing Lilian and I had in common is our disgust of the person who was probably impatiently waiting outside our door, but I guess I had no choice but to let the fool in. I turned the knob of the door and was greeted by a smile, an excrutiatingly-disturbing smile.

Why is there a suggestion that Daniel has no choice but to let in the person? The voice of Daniel that guides the narrative is not following a logical process but leaves a reader feeling confused. The plot can be developed in an interesting way if there could be a clearer focus of Daniel, his feelings and relationships with others, perhaps using another narrator voice.

While this is a good first attempt, there are many gaps which need to be plugged in the revised draft so as to develop this plot to its full potential. I look forward to reading the revised plot soon. Best wishes!