Rose Rising, Chapter 1
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Rose cowered under the rock
outcropping, shivering from the soaking she’d gotten in the storm.
She stripped off her outer shirt, pulling a replacement from her
satchel. Her overalls were soaked to the knees. Dusk had settled,
the evening quickly shifting to dark, and she had to find cover.
Get home. Damn it. Damn. Caught out in the open. No
excuse. Her hair dripped frigid water down the back of her
collar, and she bent slightly, shaking her head like a dog.
She’d been distracted by the bright red in the flowers behind the
rock she was huddled against. Oriental poppy. Amazing. Rare, in
this neck of the woods, and easy to sell to the Heads. Yu-zhen
will pay well for this. She packed the plants carefully
into her shoulder bag, mentally spending her potential income
on rice, and maybe some socks.
The rain let up, and Rose glanced around the edge of her temporary
shelter, wary of others moving about this late. Clear. About fifty
yards to the link fence behind the city buildings, then back
onstreet, to relative safety. Assuming she could avoid the
patrol.
She stepped out, and heard the quick scuff of boot on rock above
her, saw the blur of movement, before feeling the blow to her
face. Stars. Her jaw throbbed, eyes watering as the burn
spread, then numbed. She stumbled to her knees, holding her
face, spitting blood.
“Look what’s come out after the rain, Stu. Ain’t she a tasty
bit?”
Meathooks jumped down, gathered the back of her jacket, and lifted
her to her feet, only to smash her to the ground again. Rose
mouthed dirt and broken grass, as she cursed under her
breath. She felt a tooth dislodge, and her blood
quickened.
“She don’t fight much, do she?” Dirty blonde hair swung in her
sightline, framing her perspective on some rather large work
boots. She hoped they weren’t steel-toed.
Stu, the smaller of the two, knelt by her face and grinned into her
furious gaze.
“She knows better, I’d wager.” He swiped his hands on his thighs,
brushing off the soil. “This’ll be over soon, gal. Be nice to us,
and we’ll be nice to you.”
Meathooks guffawed. Clapped his palms together. Rose knew the joke
was on her. Damn it. Not too bright, but he knew a fun time
when one crawled his way, broken and desperate. Or, so he
thought. She slipped her right hand into her pocket, palmed the
ground with the other for leverage, and waited.
Stu probed her bag with a heavy hand, probably crushing her poppies
in the process, and deemed it empty of valuable booty. He then
worked down her body, groping over her slim hips, forcing his hand
between her thighs, rough with his exploration.
They let up long enough to flip her face up, her breath whooshing
out from the impact. Stu was on his knees, looking her over with
eyes glazed, his slack, hollow face intent. Before Meathooks could
refasten his grip, she whipped her foot up and over, cracking Stu
across the face, hard enough to snap his head back. Before he
slumped off his knees, Rose slipped her 7-inch clipped-point
hunting knife from her pocket and rammed the blade through the top
of Meathooks’ nearest shoe, to the handle, pinning his foot to the
ground. Nope. Not steel-toed.
He shrieked, both hands outstretched, thick fingers waving like
panicked sausages. Rose smirked at the image, her eyes glinting as
she rose to her feet, and picked up her bag. Stu had finished
crumpling, unconscious for the moment. Meathooks tugged at the
knife embedded in his foot, sobbing to himself. She hated to leave
the blade, but relished even less the idea of trying to get it
back. Time to go, girl.
“Fuck you, you ugly bitch,” Meathooks growled, flinging foamy spit
with his blubbery lips. “I’m gonna get you, split you open.
You fucki--”
Rose spat her loose tooth in his face, watched as it bounced to the
wet earth.
“A little something for you,” She turned away, started walking.
“Savor it, Lumpy. It’s all you’re getting.”
She squinted with her good
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Discussion
I agree with xvermonter. This is great stuff! There's really nothing for me to critique here. The only thing that tugged my attention away from the story at all while I was reading was Meathooks' line after being stabbed in the foot.
"Fuck you, you ugly bitch," Meathooks growled, flinging foamy spit with his blubbery lips.
For some reason, it sounds more realistic without the "Fuck you", maybe because I can't see him being able to utter a complete sentence after that blow.
That was it though! I really like how you've set up this world and this rough-and-tumble main character. Just seamlessly. I wasn't sure what to expect from this story from the title, but this first chapter has already pulled me way in. Excellent!
I really enjoyed chapter 1 and will be reading chapter 2. You did a great of using the details you setup such as the steel toe boots, you had me thinking she was worried about getting kicked but then used it with the knife, and the tooth (though I thought it had already fallen out).
She felt a tooth dislodge, and her blood quickened.
I think you could add some more description about how it felt to have the tooth dislodge, it is an especially brutal image since it happens after the blow and she had already spit up blood (thus why I had thought the tooth had fallen out). You could also add a little more description about bringing the tooth up in her month before spitting it at the men. It will make the reader thing about what it must have felt like to be holding a tooth in her mouth during the struggle.
I was also slightly distracted by internal monologue that was mixed in with narration. You seem to be taking the omnipotent narrator point of view so you could work the thoughts into that style. But that is a very minor issue.



Wow. This is the kind of book I am always looking for at the book sales, the library or Barnes & Noble.
You blew my socks off with this tale. I just can't say enough good.
Keep writing, I want to keep reading!