Hi,

All right. I'll start out by saying that there's nothing gramatically wrong with the writing, but there is the story to take into consideration. First, I wasn't sure where this story was heading, although I didn't expect it to turn out the way it did. A fourteen-year-old girl trying to seduce an older man?

There's nothing wrong with this story-wise, mind you, but why is this here? Why is she attracted to this man, especially one so older? Is there something in her past that makes her want older men?

The ending falls flat, because, quite frankly, it's not a good ending. You mention Billie having her panties under his pillow or in his bedroom, but why did she do this? Because she wanted to have sex with him, but maybe get money at the same time? Maybe attention?

This is the only thing that catches me off guard. You're setting this up for a longer work, that's already obvious.

Hope this helps. Just be sure to fix the backstory and add on more to the story, otherwise it just feels like the middle of a piece.

    One of the most controversial subjects in literature is the subject of sexual desire involving an adult and a teenager.  "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov, written in the 1950s, was condemned for a few years until some smart people decided that it was such a work of art that its universal distribution should be unrestricted.  Besides, Nabokov dealt with the subject with extraordinary  finesse and was not a fan of it himself.  The story was presented from the point of view of the protagonist, the European professor.  The way he relates to his own reality, to the twelve year-old who eventually becomes his stepdaughter, and later on his lover . Thankfully, we now live in a more open century in which we can grapple with any taboo intelligently and constructively. 

   The short story: "Game over" presents the same theme from the standpoint of the fourteen year-old lead character.  It's quite refreshing, specially for male readers  -I have to confess the sad fact that we guys don't understand the female psychology. And when a female author presents such a well-rounded character like this one, our antennas stand up in attention-  The tale is well written.  I get the feeling the writer paid a good amount of time to define a good beginning, a middle, and a surprising conclusion.

   The teenager's  thought processes and actions ring quite true.  If anyone disagrees about this last assertion, just think of the famous "Long Island Lolita scandal" of the early 1990s.  The motives driving this young girl are plausible:  she has arrived to early womanhood with all the physical changes and  shocks of that stage of biological development.  One of the gratifying surprises, a gift from nature, she's discovered is the power of seduction.  Her changing body attracts the boys of her own age and turns them into easy putty. As a smart girl, she finds the craft easy to master.  She feels like the cat, (in a cat and mouse game,) when she applies her wiles on the boys.

   She's been practicing seduction and manipulation to a point of excellence.  So, like any expert hunter will tell you, she's come to a stage of extreme boredom. (The hunter will move up to bigger and more dangerous prey.)  She's arrived to that understanding  -seducing  boys of about her same age does not provide the same thrills she used to get-  She must set the bar higher, to a real man, someone like her friend joey's father, a rocker in his mid-thirties.  Just the thought of it gives her goosebumps. (An auspicious beginning.)

   He represents a worthy adversary to test her extensive abilities.  A man of the world, who used to be a baby magnet, happily married, and still successful in the music business.  And she goes to work with such abandon and emotional coolness.  Her behavior might seem to the reader to belong to someone older and more experienced.  Yet, I agree with the writer's exposition:  this character is very mature. I guess, for some divine reason, perhaps the miracle of future motherhood, nature entitled females to reach mental maturity quicker than their male counterparts.

   All the characters in the story are assigned a first name, except for the teenage temptress.  Is that done with a further purpose by the author?  Is she the universal representation of the very young females and the way they look at reality.   Although, most  teenagers would refrain from carrying out what the heroine did in this tale. (The general reader would like to think so.)  -I did not notice the lack of the name until I went back to the tale to double-check some facts-

   I congratulate the author, she has created a well-rounded character.  Magnetic in her own devilish way, and somehow universal: a young woman who has discovered the tremendous power of sexuality and seduction and the many material and psychological benefits that come with their masterful application.  Let me apply a maxim to your story: "The unquenchable ecstasy of being so young and beautiful, and the unreasonable sense of permanence and invincibility attached to it."

Although you’re writing is good, your story as a whole is extremely lacking. The fact that you’ve gone down the a-typical route of writing Green Day slash fiction really turns me off and doesn’t say much about your skills. The reason for this is simple before I found this site I was a member of both, GSB and Mibba- two sites who’s fiction sections where filled with stories just like this: Young girl meets member of (insert band name here) seduces said member etc, etc. Although, to anyone else reading this, the names of Joey Jackob, Billie Joe and Adrienne would not invoke this opinion, but since I have this knowledge and background. Because you use a rather hackneyed concept of Billie Joe Armstrong being seduced by a 14-year-old girl, all the possible creditability the story might have is lost. Not because the basic concept, pedophilia, isn’t creditable, but the world and the characters you’ve “constructed” aren’t creditable. The fact of the matter is, a 14-year-old girl would in probability never seduce Billie Joe Armstrong. why? Because 1.) He’s a rock star who can, if he chooses, have any number of legal aged, well-experienced women to bring him pleasure. 2.) He’s a deeply and madly in love with his wife of 14 years, Adrienne. 3.) He really doesn’t seem like the type of man who would ever do anything like that in first place.  If you used the same formula but instead of Billie Joe Armstrong used an up and coming rock star from an unknown band, it would make the story much more believable and would also root it more firmly in real life.