Well, the action in this piece is certainly entertaining. But one thing I can't help but notice throughout the whole piece is that there is a lot of telling, and very little showing. What I mean by that is that there is very little imagery in the writing, and a lot of the action is written something like, "He did this. He did that. This happened."  this kind of writing is okay in small bits. But your whole story so far is like that. Sometimes you have to mix it up. Instead of writing "He did this," try to introduce an action or a piece of imagery or information in a different way. I really can't tell you how to do it; you'll figure it out for yourself pretty easily. But besides that, the story is riveting, and that's a good thing. If you can keep that kind of pace up, then you'll definitely be on the right track..

Okay Logan,

I hope this is helpful as I'm going to be writing a different type of critique than I usually do.  You specifically asked how to "He did this.  He did that." problem that Nick raised.  In order to help you, I'm just going to tackle the first paragraph of this chapter and give you some suggestions that I think will address this issue.  Some of the suggestions will be very specific and some will be more general, but I'll try to give as many as possible, since you specifically asked.  Here we go:

Kalderasha readied his hands and leered at the enemies that were around him.

A pretty good opening to the action.  The first two thirds of the sentence work really well.  The second part falls into passive voice (which is when you use was or were instead of just a straight verb).  This can create a distance you don't want your audience to feel.  A specific change might be, "...leered at the surrounding enemies." but there are many ways to fix this and you should go with something in your own voice.

It may be difficult but, I can probably make it if i hurry, Kalderasha thought.

Do you really want to go into a thought right here?  There might be other ways to show this without going into Kalderasha's head to have him tell it to us.  Describe how the guards are not leaving an opening, so that instead of K telling us it's there we experience it with him.

Suddenly, a guard lunged at him from in front of him, sword and shield drawn.

Anytime a word is repeated in a sentence it is going to slow the pace, especially a pronoun.  Also describing the guard after he has acted means that the reader has to go back in his head and redraw the picture.  You can rewrite this simply by moving some words around.

Kalderasha waited until he was about to swing his sword when he suddenly crouched then threw the guard over him, flying toward another guard that was behind him.

A lot of unclear antecedents here, which means I can't tell which he is which.  It might be better to chop this sentence up a little an clarify the participants.  Shorter sentences tend to work better in action scenes anyway.  The basic changes would look like this:

Kalderasha waited until the guard was about to swing his sword.  He crouched and threw the guard over him.  The guard flew toward his partner that was behind Kalderasha.

From here you can go further.  Once again you have some "was"s sneaking in.  Also having a couple of different nicknames for the characters can be handy as long as you are careful to keep it clear.  Here's a further attempt:

Kalderasha waited for the guard's swing. The outlaw's sudden crouch threw the guard over him. Another of the king's men caught the flying guard.

Definitely not perfect, but you are getting beyond the "He, He, He" you were worried about.

He returned to his feet and sprinted for the door, jumping over the two fallen guards.

This line works very well.  Notice how none of the three verbs (returned, sprinted, jumping) is passive.

He could see the guards at the door start to gather.

Once again, since he can see it, just show it to us.  We want to feel like we're there.  We know he is there.  A simple fix: "The guards gathered at the door."

A group of guards was gathered in a group in front of the door.

A lot of the same problem patterns you've already established, repeated word (guards), passive voice (was gathered) and general repetition (you've already established this scene in the previous line).

Kalderasha ran as fast as he could and jumped over the guards in a giant leap that caused him to stumble, but he quickly recooperates and continues to run.

This mostly works but you are switching tenses from past to present after the comma.  This a standard and easily fixable error.

He thought he was going to make it as he began to descend the large staircase in front of the throne room, when he suddenly froze with fear.

Once again, I don't think we need to go into his head here.  Let us see what is happening and then we the audience can be surprised by this development, instead of watching him be surprised by it.

I hope this is helpful to you.  You have a lot of great content here.  As I said this is not my typical critique, so I didn't have an opportunity to go into all the things you are doing right.  I just wanted to make sure I answered the question you asked to the circle.  If you have any questions about what I've said or need more help, please let me know.

-Ben

 Have to say better than the second draft. Though I do think it could do with a little more detail, though I am a detail person. I do think it would be helpful if you explained more about the kingdoms and how they're connected. Also at the very beginning of the first chapter (though I know you're probably done with that) when you were explaining about the treasure it seemed a little jumbled together to me. Again I think more detail would be good either in characters or locations or just anything. 

" Kalderasha readied his hands and leered at the surrounding enemies."

"Leer" sounds a bit unnatural.

"Suddenly, a guard lunged at Kalderasha, shield and sword drawn.Kalderash waited until the guard was about to swing his sword. He crouched and grabbed the guards arm, throwing him over his shoulder, another of the king's guards to catch him. Kalderasha returned to his feet and sprinted for the door, jumping over the two fallen guards. Another group of guards gathered at the door to the throne room. "

Again, the guards must be more skilled than this. ;D

"Kalderasha ran as fast as he could and jumped over the guards in a giant leap that caused him to stumble."

This is a bit too superman; it makes his character seem less believable. You changed his name by the way.

"He quickly got back to his feet and continued to rush for the door. He began descending the enormous staircase that lead to the courtyard. The opening to the door was just in sight, when suddenly a figure stood in front of the open door, and  the figures chilling voice caused Kalderasha to freeze in place."

Why didn't the guards follow him?

"  " I-I am" he answered. Cormag smirked at his response, and suddenly got down on one knee and lowered his head."

His stutter seems a little unnatural. Also, some thoughts would be good from his character. It's hard to feel for him.

"  "What shall i do with him, your majesty" he spoke as the king descended the stairs, to the two of them.  "

This is a really, really BAD idea for the king. Kalderasha just took out the Kings Guard.

"Cormag approached Kalderasha slowly. With each step, Kalderasha mirrored the motion. "

This sounds confusing. Wasn't Kalderasha kneeling this whole time?

"Kalderasha quickly attempted to dodge the bolt, leaping out of the way and causing him to land on his side. Kaderasha could hear the king laughing as he attempted to dodge the bolts coming from Cormag's hand. Kalderasha dodged another bolt, landing on his knees, breathing heavily. He fired yet another blast, and Kalderasha attempted to jump, but the blast hit him on his ankle. The blast formed a yellowish ring around his leg, forcing it to the ground, after attempting to raise his leg, he could only manage to lift it a few inches off the ground."

Why is Cormag attacking? He should also have more skills than this. ;DThis part also lacks emotion. What is Kalderasha thinking through all this? What is the King doing?

"It seems that your skills are overexaggerated Kaldera-" he was cut short as a knife flew passed his face causing him to lose his footing. He watched as that dagger flew off out of sight as well."

How would that cause him to lose his footing?

"  "Release him from the spell!!!" the kings voice loomed in the background. Cormag continued to watch the lifeless body of Kalderasha.

        "Release him!!!!" the king shouted.  "

Why didn't the King intervene before? Also, Cormag's character seems unrealistic. Why would he waste his time with a simple theif?

"Cormag snapped his finger and the rings disappeared. A large gasp of air caused Kalderasha to become conscience. Kalderasha looked up at Cormag."

He released the prisoner why...?

     "Oh, Cormag... What happened to your face?" Kalderasha spoke with a grin on his face. Cormag gritted his teeth and raised his boot and kicked Kalderasha in his gut, causing him to pass out. "

... He woke up only to pass out again?

"    "Cormag!! Do not make me repeat myself ever again, when i command you to do something, you do it, is that understood?!" the king shouted at Cormag. "Guards prepare the gallows!!! I want this scoundrel hung tonight!!"  "

Why would the King employ someone who doesn't listen to him? Isn't that rather dangerous for him?

"  "Guards, take this man to the dungeon!" The king barked at the guards. "Tie him up tight, we dont want a repeat of when he was last thrown in our dungeon. "

Why take him to the same place if he could make trouble there?

Overall, I think you can do better. As Krupp said, there is way too much telling in this piece. It sounds and feels unnatural to read.

There isn't very much description. Being exceptionally Ninja, I would imagine Kalderash noticing details of the room and such that other people wouldn't normally think about; things he could use as weapons, words he can use against his foes, tidbits of information, etc. Without details or very much description, it makes the castle seem very bland, and confusing. That and the absence of thought bubbles makes this story hard to follow at times.

I suggest you build up to this scene more, perhaps start in the dungeon/prison and go from there. Round out Kalderasha's character, make him believeable. Also, try reading this piece out loud to yourself; that will help the flow of your story.

Above all, keep writing. You have a good story so far, and I look forward to seeing more ***I^o^I***