Vigil Auntie-- first chapter
vengence
Published on:
May 7, 5:51pmWord Count:
1097Last Edited:
May 18, 9:48amWork Description
This is a re-vamped flash piece. Thought I'd try to take it a little further. Would LOVE to hear your thoughts!
Louise
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All that remained of her mother's attic were Janie and one solitary cardboard box. Gone were the stacks of family photos, bins of out-dated clothes, and a smattering of toys and books; a lifetime of memories buried under a thick layer of dust. Only gleaming floorboards, polished windowpanes and the fresh scents of lemon and pine were left behind.
As Janie’s grief absorbed her, she covered her face with her hands and let go. At last the sorrow simmering inside for so long had reached its boiling point.
It’d been three weeks since the funeral, a funeral that her mother had been prepared for. Having lived with breast cancer for three years, she'd convinced Janie she was ready to go. Though knowing this was some comfort, it didn't make it all that easier. Her mother was gone forever.
Using the back of her hand to wipe away the last of her tears, Janie took in a long cleansing breath. Exhaling slowly, she scanned the room.
Janie hated the idea of selling the home she'd grown up in, but what could she do? She'd left Owatonna for the Twin Cities decades ago. Her husband and business were in Minneapolis. All Owatonna held for her now were her sister, her niece and her memories. No. Keeping the house empty just didn't feel right. Selling was the right decision, the only decision.
Reliving memories by sorting out the attic one box at a time had been somewhat therapeutic. It was a project. And from the looks of it Janie was finished, but for the one box. Picking it up she headed down the stairs to the kitchen.
Janie placed the box on top of the kitchen table as the phone rang.
"Hello? Nelson Residence," she wondered if the caller heard the crack in her voice as she spoke the name Nelson. Her mother was the last of the Nelsons.
"Aunt Janie! It's Kelly. I'm running a bit late this morning. I'll be by closer to lunch time, will that be ok?"
"Sure. Are you all right?" Janie asked.
"Yes...Um, something came up with Lafe. You know how it is, planning a wedding. So many details, so little time."
"Of course dear." Janie was worried. What had come up this time? Kelly's finance, Lafe had yet to make a good impression on her.
"I can't thank you enough for catering Aunt Janie! Lafe's mom Evelyn is so hard to please, but with your reputation, she's had nothing but nice things to say. At least about the food anyway."
"Anything I can do to help, Kelly. We'll talk more about how things are coming along when you get here." Janie was okay with waiting a while longer before they met up to talk about the wedding. She was troubled about the whole thing and unsure about how to approach Kelly with her concerns. A few extra hours might help her sort out her thoughts.
"Great! I'll see you in a couple hours."
As Janie hung up the phone, she glanced back at the box on the table. It shouldn’t take long to sort through it after a wash and a much-needed cup of tea.
Stepping into the shower she allowed the warm water to ease away the soreness that’d been creeping into her muscles all morning. Wiping away a drip of shampoo suds from her cheek, she was reminded of Kelly's bruise from a few weeks before. Visible even under the layers of make up applied in an effort to hide it. It hadn't been the right time to talk about it then, it was the day of the funeral.
Janie closed her eyes, her tears mixing with the water.
She’d known so many girls like Kelly, young, bright, beautiful, and full of life. That is until they meet up with some loser who thinks it is okay to bat them around. If the girl doesn’t leave after the first time he hits her, things usually get worse.
That's how many of Janie’s catering waitresses came to her. Through relocation brought on by bad relationships. They’d come to the Twin Cities from their small towns in Minnesota and Wisconsin, looking for a job, an apartment, a new boyfriend and hopefully a change for the better. After Janie had gotten to know the girls, their stories always came out. In the twelve years Janie had her business she’d heard it all. The saddest stories were the ones where the girl finds a new guy who ends
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This was tremendously helpful! Thank you SO MUCH for your comments! I think I made all the changes.
I"m considering changing to past tense. I am not sure why I chose present other than this idea of including Aunt Bert chapters and putting those in the past...which looks a bit lame in the light of the computer screen as I write this.
May have a 3rd version up before too long...
Thanks again
Louise
I think it might set the mood of the piece if you start with " All that remains.... buried with her mom.
Now alone in the attic Janie's grief ...
You are doing a lot of telling. you might consider some memories of times in the attic with mom.
Why sell, is she rich ? Does she have a house?
Do we need to know about the pipes?
You need a smoother transiition to kelly who she is et all.
Who's planning the wedding
How about getting kelly over for tea and have them talk about the things your bringing up. see if perhaps you can have Kelly show up when she getrs out of the shower.
most of the thimgs i've mentioned I'v ehad to do a lot of times. Writing is hard work but keep scrippling
I can see how this started as a flash piece. I really like it though.
I don't know about present tense - especially because it's so hard to keep up. Perhaps reminisces or memories in past tense to break up the present? I would like to see more backstory, more meaning, more dialogue - even if it's Janie talking to her mother's things.
That said, I really like the beginning and I really like where the story is going. I was confused only about 1 thing... why was Janie excited to be planning the wedding with Kelly, when we learn later that Kelly is in an abusive relationship? That part didn't make sense to me.
Can't wait to read more!
A marked improvement. Parragraph one looks good. Try working on paragrapn two a bit. Maybe take a look at moving it to paragraph one. What is she wearing is her hair a mess did she let the cleaning cloth drop and sit on the window box?
...a funeral she'd been prepared for might have to go see if you can tighten this paragraph up. Maybe she remembered something he mom had said. I'm not sure about boiling point in a grief situation.
Does Janie want to rent? do they need the money? The paragraph is ok but is it the best you can do.
Try having Janie pick up the box first. thereputic sounds a little ... medical see if you can hammer on this one a bit and soften it up
the conversation
the crack in her voice tells me volumns. Do you really need to tell me the rest.
I'm going to pound out a couple of line for you. Just a suggestion
"Are you all right?"
"Yes. Um, something came up with Lafe."
"What is it this time?" Janie tried to sound concerned.
Arrrgh what happened you left me hanging is Lafe in the hospital, did he get aressted???
You might want to show Jaine's concerns in little snippits during conversations.
surprise us when Kelly shows up with a bruise the makeup doesn't quite cover.
Maybe in the shower she knows the guy is a hairball but He's just charming emough to create doubt
You might want to mention the fact that Janie owns a catering buisiness paragraph four
Is the paragraph about the girls she's seen necessary???
You might weave what Janie wants for Kelly into some spirited conversations. A disagreement or two perhaps.
Don't know where you're going with the hemlock et all but I hope my suggestions help.
Hello again 
I think the re-write did wonders. For one, I always vote for past tense. This is mostly becuase when I write in the present tense, I get confused. I'm not sure why.. Also, I like the addition of the phone call and the different ways you introduced future topics. Oh, and I really like the title. I enjoy plays on words. I meant to mention that before but I don't think I did.
Only a couple notes:
Visible even under the layers of make up applied in an effort to hide it.
This is not a complete sentence. I'm not sure why fragments bother me so much..
She'd known so many girls like Kelly, young, bright, beautiful, and full of life.
I would put a colon after Kelly instead of a comma.
Through relocation brought on by bad relationships.
This is also not a complete sentence.
In the twelve years Janie had her business she'd heard it all.
I would say "Janie'd had" or "Janie had had."
Everything else looks good. You'll have to tell me when chapter two goes up.
You like writing in present tense, huh? This says chapter one - I'll be interested to see how a whole story works in present tense. It worked very well for this chapter, at least.
I had read at least part of the other version of this. I'll admit, I didn't get around to finishing it, but from what I'd read, I like this version better.
A few notes, mechanically. I'm just going line by line and being really picky.
should have a comma between ridiculous and but.
I don't know if that should be two separate sentences, or what. It just feels off.
That second sentence, starting with "who," isn't a complete sentence. Start it with "Kelly" instead of "who" maybe?
I would recommend "okay" instead of "ok."
I'm guessing "though" should be "through." Also, the second sentence is a fragment.
In both of these sentences, the second half its own sentence. You need either a period or semicolon separating them. For the second sentence, maybe say, "Since family is important to Janie, she could never let harm come to any one of them." Then it could be one sentence.
I like that phrase a lot. I like when writers can.. personify? feelings. I know I didn't phrase that right, but I'm hoping you know what I mean.
This just seems.. bulky. You may want to split it up a bit.
I would start a new sentence after "mother" and put a comma after "Bert."
Okay. I'm hoping this'll help. I actually really like this story. I'll be looking forward to more
-dnm