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Indifference

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poetry
1st
Draft

Published on:

August 22, 7:51pm

Word Count:

57

Work Description

A very short bit of poetry. Nothing fancy. Read it if you like. I could care less. :) *I can't resist an opportunity to be ironic*

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The best I can muster is apathy;

I feel so alone,

Yet

I feel nothing.

 

If God is my creator,

Am I not divine?

Full of Awe and Horror,

Yet I fall short of the sublime.

 

Crystalline in sunshine;

Rusted in the rain,

My soul can burn in Hell for all I care;

It is the same.

 

 

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Discussion

Please understand that the following is meant to be constructive.  That said, I'll begin.

I don't know that I believe it.  The speaker in this poem seems hyperbolic, overdramatic, and thoughtless.  I don't feel like this is describing indifference-though it tries-so much as just boredom. 

The best I can muster is apathy;

I feel so alone,

Yet

I feel nothing.

This seems like some people I know.  The problem with it as far as its being a poem is concerned is that I've heard this said in practically the exact same words a hundred times and more.  I know what you're saying, but there's got to be a more interesting way of going about it.  How about this: could you think of some unusual way that this manifests itself in life?  (And I'm not talking about the "I sit on my bed and stare at the wall and find it hard to care at all" brand of manifestation...i'm thinking more like "my shirt has mustard stains from two weeks ago" kind of thing...

If God is my creator,

Am I not divine?

Full of Awe and Horror,

Yet I fall short of the sublime.

This makes it seem like the speaker cares about something which definitely goes against the title, but I'll run with it...  How does God being your creator make you divine?  That seems like a non sequitur to me, but maybe I'm just not familiar with some school of thought that says such things...  Um, but then there's the Awe and Horror part and I don't know why an indifferent person would be filled with either of these, but again okay...And the speaker answers her own question...(I don't know if the speaker is supposed to be make or female, I just assumed...)  Also, either tighten the meter or dispense with the rhyming...it just sounds awkward as it is.

Crystalline in sunshine;

Rusted in the rain,

I have no idea what you're talking about unless this is just some obscure way of describing sunshine and rain...or is it describing how these things make you feel?...or is it saying that either way it doesn't matter?  If it's that last one, I think you should try to find a different way of saying this.  I mean, these lines don't really seem to mean anything specific...honestly, they sound like you just threw some words together and thought it sounded interesting...but the actual meaning eludes me. 

My soul can burn in Hell for all I care;

It is the same.

the same as what?  Do you mean "all the same"?  Is your soul the same as ?something???  Is hell?  What are you talking about?  I'm just confused now.  It's getting back to the theme of indifference now, and I suppose that's a good thing, but it's a tad cliche, no?...but again with the meter, tighten or lose the rhyme.

I think this piece could really benefit from some particulars...or maybe just work on the voice a little.  You could try freewriting in that voice and let it talk.  Then, see what it has to say and see if anything there surprises you.  If so, run with that.  It's not a bad start for a poem.  It's like any other piece of writing, it can always use a little more revision. 

Thank you Josiah for your critique.  Indeed, I take it as constructive.   Poetry is not necessarily one of my writing strengths, but I like to put stuff out there every now and again.  This piece, for me as the writer at any rate, was just more about the words and the expression.  In all honesty, I had not even thought about themes or even coherency.  So I appreciate your feedback from the perspective of a reader and fellow writer....and expertise I might add.  You are quite eloquent in your own poetry.  So, thanks again.

I do like the concept of the poem. However, I get a feeling that the poem was rushed and that you didnt have much inspiration when you wrote it. There are witty metaphors... I like

"If God is my creator,

Am I not divine?"

it is simple, yet pushes one to think.

 

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