Please understand that the following is meant to be
constructive. That said, I'll begin.
I don't know that I believe it. The speaker in this poem
seems hyperbolic, overdramatic, and thoughtless. I don't feel
like this is describing indifference-though it tries-so much as
just boredom.
The best I can muster is apathy;
I feel so alone,
Yet
I feel nothing.
This seems like some people I know. The problem with it as
far as its being a poem is concerned is that I've heard this said
in practically the exact same words a hundred times and more.
I know what you're saying, but there's got to be a more interesting
way of going about it. How about this: could you think of
some unusual way that this manifests itself in life? (And I'm
not talking about the "I sit on my bed and stare at the wall and
find it hard to care at all" brand of manifestation...i'm thinking
more like "my shirt has mustard stains from two weeks ago" kind of
thing...
If God is my creator,
Am I not divine?
Full of Awe and Horror,
Yet I fall short of the sublime.
This makes it seem like the speaker cares about something which
definitely goes against the title, but I'll run with it...
How does God being your creator make you divine? That seems
like a non sequitur to me, but maybe I'm just not familiar with
some school of thought that says such things... Um, but then
there's the Awe and Horror part and I don't know why an indifferent
person would be filled with either of these, but again okay...And
the speaker answers her own question...(I don't know if the speaker
is supposed to be make or female, I just assumed...) Also,
either tighten the meter or dispense with the rhyming...it just
sounds awkward as it is.
Crystalline in sunshine;
Rusted in the rain,
I have no idea what you're talking about unless this is just
some obscure way of describing sunshine and rain...or is it
describing how these things make you feel?...or is it saying that
either way it doesn't matter? If it's that last one, I think
you should try to find a different way of saying this. I
mean, these lines don't really seem to mean anything
specific...honestly, they sound like you just threw some words
together and thought it sounded interesting...but the actual
meaning eludes me.
My soul can burn in Hell for all I care;
It is the same.
the same as what? Do you mean "all the same"? Is
your soul the same as ?something??? Is hell? What are
you talking about? I'm just confused now. It's getting
back to the theme of indifference now, and I suppose that's a good
thing, but it's a tad cliche, no?...but again with the meter,
tighten or lose the rhyme.
I think this piece could really benefit from some
particulars...or maybe just work on the voice a little. You
could try freewriting in that voice and let it talk. Then,
see what it has to say and see if anything there surprises
you. If so, run with that. It's not a bad start for a
poem. It's like any other piece of writing, it can always use
a little more revision.
Please understand that the following is meant to be constructive. That said, I'll begin.
I don't know that I believe it. The speaker in this poem seems hyperbolic, overdramatic, and thoughtless. I don't feel like this is describing indifference-though it tries-so much as just boredom.
This seems like some people I know. The problem with it as far as its being a poem is concerned is that I've heard this said in practically the exact same words a hundred times and more. I know what you're saying, but there's got to be a more interesting way of going about it. How about this: could you think of some unusual way that this manifests itself in life? (And I'm not talking about the "I sit on my bed and stare at the wall and find it hard to care at all" brand of manifestation...i'm thinking more like "my shirt has mustard stains from two weeks ago" kind of thing...
This makes it seem like the speaker cares about something which definitely goes against the title, but I'll run with it... How does God being your creator make you divine? That seems like a non sequitur to me, but maybe I'm just not familiar with some school of thought that says such things... Um, but then there's the Awe and Horror part and I don't know why an indifferent person would be filled with either of these, but again okay...And the speaker answers her own question...(I don't know if the speaker is supposed to be make or female, I just assumed...) Also, either tighten the meter or dispense with the rhyming...it just sounds awkward as it is.
I have no idea what you're talking about unless this is just some obscure way of describing sunshine and rain...or is it describing how these things make you feel?...or is it saying that either way it doesn't matter? If it's that last one, I think you should try to find a different way of saying this. I mean, these lines don't really seem to mean anything specific...honestly, they sound like you just threw some words together and thought it sounded interesting...but the actual meaning eludes me.
the same as what? Do you mean "all the same"? Is your soul the same as ?something??? Is hell? What are you talking about? I'm just confused now. It's getting back to the theme of indifference now, and I suppose that's a good thing, but it's a tad cliche, no?...but again with the meter, tighten or lose the rhyme.
I think this piece could really benefit from some particulars...or maybe just work on the voice a little. You could try freewriting in that voice and let it talk. Then, see what it has to say and see if anything there surprises you. If so, run with that. It's not a bad start for a poem. It's like any other piece of writing, it can always use a little more revision.