Hi Mandi,

I liked the narration of this piece.  Just from the way Mary speaks about her younger self, I get the idea that she's older now.  I think you could let the narration do the work for you at this stage of the story by leaving out Mary's age for a few paragraphs, or just mention that she's "older now," and mention her exact age later in the story, when she's reflecting on things again.

I disappointed more single men in those days than the reality of the Santa Claus myth disappointed children.

This sentence strikes me as odd.  I think it'd be great to replace the Santa part with some big disappointing thing that happened in the same time period in which Mary is 24.  For example, if she was 24 while Watergate was going on, it could be something like, "...than Nixon's resignation a few months ago disappointed my parents" or something.  That would also help with setting up the time period (if, of course, you wanted to fix the story to a specific era).

I was loathing having to walk to the subway station but I wasn't enough of a fool to not know that if I didn't make my day's tips that rent was not going to be paid.

I think I know what Mary is saying here, but the not-not in the 2nd half the sentence threw me off.  It also seemed like a comma was missing in there.  Maybe it would read more smoothly if it said, "...but I was smart enough to know that if I didn't make my day's tips, the rent wasn't going to be paid."

As I ran through the blistering cold I could hear the words of my parents echoing in my head and it occurred to me for the very first time that they quite possibly had a valid argument.

There should be a comma after "head" in this sentence.

I hated my boss with the heat of a thousand fires but I was smart enough to know how quick he was to let people go on account of one rude remark.

Same here: a comma after "fires" would make it easier to read.

Also, the sentence that starts "I quickly tied on my apron..." sounds like the start of a new idea.  A paragraph indent would separate it from the exchange with Mary's boss.

I'd like a better description of the chaos in the restaurant.  What kind of food is it?  What are the regulars like?  Just a few details, like "Italian joint" or "balding old men," would do the trick.  What are people doing and saying?  Give us an idea of the action!  And are Mary's coworkers annoyed that she's late?  They've had to pick up the slack, right?

Notepad in hand and ready to face the day, I headed out to check what was going on in my section. I had to keep reminding myself that if I got the part next week, it could be my big break and I would be out of here for good.

These two sentences don't sound right together.  I think that the second one could be pushed ahead a few paragraphs to the part where Mary talks about how she hates her boss. 

He was very cheerful and polite, and had a goofy grin on his face while he ordered.

I got the impression that Elijah is a calm, somewhat-sophisticated guy.  The image of a goofy grin on his face doesn't seem to fit.  Is there another way to describe the grin?  Or perhaps Mary could comment in the narration to the reader that the grin threw her off, since he seemed so kind and relaxed just a minute ago.  The grin deserves some kind of acknowledgement from Mary.  She's a very opinionated woman, so I'd love to get her perspective on it!

He chuckled, and continued, "I didn't mean to be sleazy or anything like that. I was just messing with you."

The "messing with you" sounds out of place for this character.  Maybe "I was just testing you" would be enough.

At the very end, the use of the word "questioned" twice could be eliminated if Elijah "asked in surprise" or "asks eagerly."

I'm intrigued by the relationship between these two characters.  It sounds unlikely that these two would be more than passing acquaintances, so I'm interested!  In my head, I've pictured Elijah as a fairly-refined, older man, maybe in his mid- to late-thirties.  A more detailed description of his physical features and Mary's estimate of his age might clear this up (or confirm it) for me.

I will be waiting to read more! )

I disappointed more single men in those days than the reality of the Santa Claus myth disappointed children.

This is a great comparison--I like it a lot!

I was young and a fool.

Just a nitpick, but I think "foolish" would fit better.

cursing like my cousin Dan used to when his football team was losing.

I can see where you're going with this, but we don't know cousin Dan or how much he curses, so it's kind of a colorless image.

he spouted as he was doing the dishwasher's job, who was also late.

Try rephrasing this to something like "he spouted as he scrubbed the dishes--the dishwasher was also late."  It seems like "doing the dishwasher's job" is just a roundabout way of saying "he washed the dishes."

I enquired in my most professional voice, still not sure what to think of the wink that came from nowhere.

I think you can cut this sentence.  Cutting it will make Mary's dialogue flow into Elijah's, making it sound more like a conversation and less like a narrative.

"I didn't mean to be sleazy or anything like that. I was just testing you."

Haha... that sounds kind of sleazy anyway

A good start to a potentially interesting story.  While there wasn't much action or characterization, I think it's a good, brief setup for whatever's up next.  The whole thing read very smoothly and kept me interested until the end.  I'll be reading the next one for sure

Hi Mandi,

A few notes to tack on to the others:

I'm fifty-three years old

I was twenty-four

These are in the same paragraph. Instead of "twenty-four," why not give a year and date? It gives the same information and prevents confusion.

I should go to school and get a real career to fall back on

Instead of what? Is she an actor or an artist? I would like to have more of an idea of what she wants out of life before hearing this line.

either looking for just a test drive, or a new car while the one they'd had for ten years was at home in the garage

The metaphor was just a bit muddled for me. I got it, but I think it can be executed better.

I could hear the words of my parents echoing in my head, and it occurred to me for the very first time that they quite possibly had a valid argument.

The words and concepts stumbled for me. I got it, but I had to read the line twice.

"It's about time you get here!" he spouted as he was doing the dishwasher's job, who was also late.

Since this is all in one longer paragraph, I would recommend separating into a new paragraph. Also, "as he was doing the dishwasher's job..." could be in a new sentence, too.

"I know, I know. I had to run to the station in this wind, and it took me longer than I thought. It won't happen again, I promise."

There's some "throwaway" dialogue in here. If it's not necessary to the plot, or critical in enhancing the character, omit it.

with the heat of a thousand fires

cliche

but at least if I gained an inkling of composure back I could make enough tips to cover what I still needed for rent. I popped a couple of aspirin

This is repeating information that has already been explained. Felt extraneous.

Notepad in hand and ready to face the day, I headed out to check what was going on in my section. I had to keep reminding myself that if I got the part next week, it could be my big break and I would be out of here for good. Walking out the kitchen doors, I glanced at my section. It consisted of a few of the regulars, some businessmen, and a group of girls around my age who looked ready to skip the food and party. I drew in a deep breath and was getting ready to face the madness

A little too much internal stuff going on. I was looking for the action.

when I noticed the hostess seat a man at one of my tables

here it is.

"Hi! My name is Mary, and I'll be your server tonight. Can I get you something to drink?

Some more "throwaway" in my opinion.

Saturdays are tea nights here, and the only reason a lot of people are in my section is that they cannot resist a pain relieving cocktail or five when they only have to pay a dollar fifty for each drink. Truth be told, if I wasn't working tonight I'd probably be having a few myself.

I felt this was excessive internal stuff again.

"Hi, Mary. Nice to meet you. While we're on the topic of introductions, my name is Elijah." He stuck out his hand, and I didn't quite know what to think but I took it and shook it anyway. "I'll just have a coke."

Unnecessary

I studied his face carefully as I went throught the routine.

Here's something important. This is really all you need

He had a roughness about him that was simultaneously refined and raw, if that is even humanly possible. Something struck me about him, but I couldn't quite figure it out. Maybe it was because he'd managed to look at my face the entire time I had been at the table. It was a rare occurrence.

Make sure your reader sees this. It's important.

"No, I'm not meeting anyone. I'm ready to order, actually. I just came here to get away from the usual routine and clear my head. There's nothing like a good meal to cheer a person up, is there? I'll have the mozzarella sticks to start, and then the fettucine alfredo."

More that is "throwaway"

I caught a fleeting glimpse of what I thought was him throwing me a wink. I shook it off, as he didn't seem the creepy type and the only other option was that he was just messing with me. I was not in the mood for that. I kept pondering this as I brought out some food to a few of the creepy businessmen who could now be thrown in jail if they got behind the wheel of a car. I was beginning to think that I might be going crazy -- perhaps it was the fumes from the garlic in the kitchen.

Pare it down. Isolate the important stuff so the reader sees the action.

"Order up!" yelled the prep cook. It was this that snapped me out of my daze. I grabbed the mozzarella sticks and bolted out the door so I could get this over with quickly. I walked up to Elijah and set his appetizer in front of him and smiled politely. "There you go sir, can I get you anything else?"

There's some more unnecessary stuff in here. It seems to me that you can picture this happening as a movie. But for fiction, a lot of the action and dialogue is unnecessary. Let the reader imagine it. The reader knows what happens in a restaurant. No need to remind. Instead, focus on things the reader could use to help evoke the sensation of a restaurant. Smells. Specific visuals about the walls, the decor, the clientele. Specific sounds. The clatter of spatulas on long flat grills. The murmur of foreign chefs chattering with each other. The clang of pots in a sink. Etc.

"Not until my fettucine is done, thanks." He replied quickly, then gave me a quizzical look. "Are you an actress or something?" I was so taken aback by this comment that I blinked a few times before I could offer a reply. "An actress and an artist, actually... how did you know? Were you just buying into the stereotype?"

Again not required.

"I'll have to admit, it was a little bit of a stereotypical assumption... but the real hint was how you blew off that wink like nothing happened. It was a bit of a test, you see." He chuckled, and continued, "I didn't mean to be sleazy or anything like that. I was just testing you."

Doesn't sound believable to me.

I was a little bit disappointed... I had thought this guy was pretty intriguing. I decided to offer a little test of my own. "I see... well I believe you owe me a clear head, with a side of an apology," I joked and threw a wink back at him. I was just curious to see what kind of response I would get from this unique stranger.

She's too level-headed, self-aware to be doing this seriously. If she actually said this, I'd think she was just screwing with the guy. I didn't buy it.

"Well, I suppose. If you insist -- how about tomorrow night, around eight o'clock? You actress-types can't work all of the time you know." He seemed perfectly serious, and I wondered what was really going through his mind. I was only joking, after all. "That was a joke, you know... a test, as you would call it," I replied curtly. "Did I pass it?" he asked with surprising enthusiasm. It appeared that this intriguing stranger would continue to surprise me. "Seriously, tomorrow at eight o'clock? It would be my pleasure."

Again, sounds like screenwriting.

I encourage you to tinker with this a little more. Restaurants are a fun place. Put us there. But don't tell us what's happening. Bring the reader into the scene. Is the restaurant/food motif important to the rest of the story? If not, what is? Whatever themes you want to explore should be present here in your first chapter. If it just happens to be the place where the two meet (her occupation, the restaurant, etc. is inconsequential), then discuss the PEOPLE seated in her section. What is it about the buzz of New York? What papers/magazines are they reading? What are they talking about? How are they dressed?

Finally, I felt your title was deceiving. Maybe it just gives a little away too much about their coming relationship. "Lessons from Elijah" makes me think of "Tuesdays with Morrie." But I don't see that being the case, as far as I can tell from this opening scene. Maybe it's because Elijah sounds old, since it's a Biblical name. If it were "Lessons from Tommy" or whatever, it would evoke something completely different. Just a sidenote. Not that important.

Hope this helps. Best of luck!

I really, really liked it. The Santa Clause comparison is my favorite part. I know this isn't going to be a good critique on any level, but oh well. One thing that struck me though, is that I didn't know that customers actually introduced themselves, also. I guess some most likely do even though I haven't seen any. Anyways, this chapter is brilliant.