Oh, wow, this is a fantastic poem.  I love the "stream of consciousness" play on words fitting into how poetry originates...it's very clever.  The alliteration was great as well.  Just to let you know, I think there's a typo in the line about smoking the paper out of the pipe...there probably should be a space between "paper" and "out."

Anyway, I'm sorry I don't have anything more constructive to say, but I really enjoyed reading your poem and look forward to reading more from you.

 Michael,

A brilliant peice. I'll reread this many times before I have the minerals to write a critique. Keep up the truly inspiring thought processes that birthed this work. The world needs more like you.

Lay down
With me
On the shore of this waterfall
fed by a stream of consciousness
Where you can enter an endless present moment

Is the best part of the peice. I'd kill some of the alliteration on the next line, but that's probably a preference more than anything.

Warmest,

B

I don't even know how to begin to critique this piece. It is wonderful the way it is and I'm not even a fan of poetry but I think this is perfection. I like it a lot and have read it over and over, each time finding something new. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Oh and why isn't this in the July poetry contest?

This was an interesting read. It took me a moment to fall into your style of poetry, but I ended up enjoying it. 

A few critiques, however:

With our two hands clasped: and she smoked all my paperout of my pipe and the cloudsmoke rose nearer to nowhere like whirling water

This may simply show my ignorance towards pipe tobacco, but it seems to me that these two words ought to be separated.

White satin skin contrasted by the black backdrop of diamond space Beautiful browngreen eyes and brunettegrown hair

Again, here these should be separated with a hyphen.

Next, I have a critique on your use of alliteration:

In a place where words are no longer spoken but lived nevertheless immortalized in the streams of plasma lake river radiation mountain waterfall

Now, this isn't alliteration, per se, but the use of these nouns as adjectives is confusing. I don't know what kind of picture I am to develop in my mind--a lake, a river, a waterfall? Is it some combination of all of these? Might I suggest that you either use fewer nouns here, or use real adjectives to describe your scene. Otherwise, if they are anything like me, your readers will be a bit confused.

Where words worries woes whirling worlds within are only a void.” 

Same comments here, except now there is confusion over whether these nouns are possessive or whether they carry a plural connotation.

Other than those comments, I enjoyed it. This is one of the more complex poems I've read on this site, but I also found it accessible. So, nice job! I hope that this has been helpful.

-Strider212

Greetings,

I found some of your descriptions to be unusually cryptic, fantastic and thoughtful, which is

always a plus when I read poetry. It speaks to me: "Let's go on, go ahead, give your horse

another little kick; isn't it exhilarating?"

For instance:

"a broken book empty of usual whitewashed words" and "her eyes of twirling eternity".

I especially adored "Where you can enter an endless present moment". I do know where that

is, just haven't been there in a while. You see, I'm not allowed to go there anymore. Because

when I did, I spent way too much time there. Unproductive and uncooperative. Now I'm normal(?).

(Oh, how I yearn for them: ahh, to only once, bring back those 'endless present moments'.)

I was so in the mood, but then you threw this cold fish at me:

" Where words worries woes whirling worlds within" whish was wery ward wo wwallow!

Then I'm back again, because: "She covered me in a white shroud of poetic innocence". Lovely.

I am seduced, legs open, wanting. Tense and in expectation. . .and then comes:

"Satiated
With my pen emptied of ink".

And I know.

Yes: yes: y e s.

This is a brilliant piece overall, but it has a couple of small shortcomings.

One is your tendency to over-use alliteration.  Now don't get me wrong, alliteration is great.  But I think that what you have here is wonderful without the need for it.  In fact, it tends to kind of distract from the overall feeling of the poem, and the alliterating lines just seem kind of gimmicky.

The biggest gimmicky line is without doubt:

after swallowing the sleeping pills of the
sauntering sidestreet somnambulist

This level of alliteration really just detracts from the beauty of the rest of the piece, I think. I would suggest limiting your alliteration to two words at a time.

For instance,

wailing, walking across a distant field among the leaves of grass,
a bard of broken dreams,

is quite lovely. Try to keep the alliteration more to that level.

The end of the poem got very erotic! Not that I'm saying this is a bad thing. On the contrary, I think you presented it wonderfully. Or was the

White shroud of poetic innocence

supposed to tell me that I should get my mind out of the gutter?

Just about my only other critique is that some of the stream-of-consciousness stuff was a bit out of place. (but that may just be me)

In a place where words are no longer spoken but lived nevertheless immortalized in the streams of plasma lake river radiation mountain waterfall
Inspiration
Only accomplished
In crystal copulation of galaxies

The first line is great until it hits "lake river radiation mountain waterfall", and then it gets de-railed. I'm sure this was your intention, but I think it really takes away from the poem.

Overall, a beautiful piece that I enjoyed very much. Looking forward to more of your poetry if it's like this!

 Hello!

I am a great fan of all three, poetry, philosophy, and beats... =.) this was a most amazing read since i've explored and joined in on the Scribos online community.  As poetic as this was, and as little criticism such an art needs -even when genuine and arresting enough to present it to the public- i found such realism with your crypt here.

your Plot is believable for writers, dreamers, evolutionists, and physicists everywhere. I am none of these, but as a nihilist i see that it remains in a realm of writing out elusive dreams and interpretation of psychological battles- very important in reaching great depths of imagination and seducing the psyche from immediate surroundings.

 i noticed your usage of alliteration, as well. it held good ties with where it led the reader and painted probably good abstract thought in a stranger's interpretation of what you mean inside your swim of consciousness. still, a tad bumpy, but not too much so of a following that this spiel wasn't unique and yet reflective of other great works.

"after swallowing the sleeping pills of the
sauntering sidestreet somnambulist
who frequents my waking nightmares
but the night previous
she read to me
from a broken book empty of usual whitewashed words
and while she spoke I thought I saw someone recognizable
there"
 

This^ is where i had to appreciate your style of presentation. not an astounding introduction after being read once, but the first time sucked me into wanting to see this 'bigger picture'... i thought your intro was great the first read and i like the obtuse, allusive rhythm you intuit. Vocab was a plus, as well...

Anyway, overall, i well-appreciated finding this moony work. You wrote it out beautifully... i couldn't present a further flaw of humanity in this. Peace.