Sarah Avery, Chapter 2: A bumpy ride
young adult, fiction
Published on:
August 30, 7:14amWord Count:
270Last Edited:
August 31, 1:23amWork Description
This is a story that has been going through my head for years... unfortunately my writing skills are not all that great but I feel that I need to at least try to get it down or else it will never leave me alone! So this is the story of a man and his two sons who create world peace and a young girl trying to find her missing brother and questions if world peace was worth what it cost.
Chapter Description
The contiuation of Sarah Avery, it's not very long because i'm not finished with it but I thought I would just put it out there:)
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Tired, hungry, and with headache from the bouncing of the truck, Sarah lay with her head in Sid’s lap in the back of the Jeep. Sid was Sarah’s best friend since birth and, had been picked up a couple of days earlier to join them on their trek to Valsman’s city. At least that is where Sarah assumed they were going; the reformation schools could be anywhere. It was the only logical place she knew of and to know where they were going helped her feel more prepared for whatever was next.
Sarah’s parents were now in the second Jeep behind them; neither was restrained any more. There was no point; all that was around them was sand and more sand.
“You’re ok Sarah, we’re going to be fine,” Sid said with confidence as her fingers combed Sarah’s long hair.
Sarah rolled her eyes thinking that of course, everything always worked out for Sid. Even in high school she always got the boy she wanted, the classes she wanted, the solos in choir. Granted it was a small high school but she was the queen bee in that small hive. She probably would have been prom queen if Valsman hadn’t interrupted their normal lives. Not that Sid didn’t deserve these things, she was a hard worker, had a radiant personality, and really long legs.
Sarah looked down at her own stubby legs; they never got her very far figuratively or literally. Working hard was something that she tried to avoid and her personality was a bit more… subtle then Sid’s.
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Not that Sid didn’t deserve these things, she was a hard worker, had a compelling personality, and really long legs.
This made me laugh. Nice!
I must say that I really like the overall story that you have going on here. I went ahead and read the first installment as well. You have a real knack at narration. Your descriptions seem dead on by expressing to us the story without what an overabundance of details for the reader to get lost in. I really like the theme that you are playing with. It says a lot about a writer if he/she can present a story in such a way that causes the reader to actuallu stop and think about the various implications being put forth by the story and its author. There seems to a real moving plot at work just under the surface. Just back and continue toying with it. They say that most of writing is re-writing.
Keep at it...
Moving right along, Michelle!
...and with a headache from the bouncing truck, Sarah lay ... Jeep (it's a brand name and needs to be capitalized.
"being" should be changed to "was" since you're using "had been" later in the sentence. Put "and" between "birth" and "had been", maybe even a comma and "and". "Sojourn" isn't the correct word here. It's too pleasant a word. "Trip" or "journey" might be better, or another word meaning the same thing. In the next sentence, the comma should be replaced by a semicolon. Then, take out the "just", and the "that"; neither are necessary. Woohoo!! How about that for taking it apart! It could be a really strong opening but for those few things.
Again, capital "J". Semicolon after "them" instead of a comma. "What would be the point" is a question and needs to be something like "There would be no point to restraint, as...".
That's "we're" otherwise known as "we are", and put a comma after fine instead of a period.
You are directly quoting, but you don't need to -- you could add "that" between "thinking" and "of course" Otherwise you have to mess with quotation marks and all.
The rest of the paragraph is good. You establish Sid, and in practically the same breath establish Sarah, and the differences between them. Sarah has now been described as "passive" (Chapter 1), and here as having a "subtle personality". We need to further expand on that, as the story progresses.
Keep going!