DAMAGED GOODS!
poetry, short story, biography, fiction, romance lost
Published on:
March 16, 7:22pmWord Count:
435Work Description
A poem that shows a dose of harsh reality. Keep in mind please that Iwrote in about 15 minutes AFTER having posted SOULMATE the day before. I had no Idea she felt this way, but it didn't surprise me.
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You've confirmed for me what I've known all along
Though we've loved hard, for you I was wrong
I'd hoped that this day never would arrive
Without me life's better, with me you may not survive
Oh God I'm not mad, I love you very, very much
I know you'll revive with some one elses touch
I took you down wrong paths, in me your faith is lost
Know that I do see, I am your biggest cost
In spite of my love you're "drowning", "embarrased" you said
Even thinking you'd be better off dead
I do know what you mean, Iv'e killed you inside
When one's given up it's over, there's no where to hide
"I could've been this", "I should've been that", but I settled for less
Just causing you pain, OH how I've made another mess
I do see your pain, I am so sorry, though I now have answers
That I am the common denominator in all my disasters
I'm sure that without me all things for you will improve
It won't take you long to get back in the "groove"
Please forgive me for ruinning your dreams and not being your "Prince Charming"
And for sending you to end of your rope, that sure is alarming
So gracefully I'll bow out so you can raise your head above,
the darkness I've brought you because of my love
I promise you I do, good intentions I always had
But because of my troubles, I've made you nothing but sad
I know I must move on, your life I must save
Before I'm responsible for sending you to your grave
And yes you are a strong one, you get through when it's bleak
And my influence has just made you weak
I do not blame you, look at my life full of destruction and pain
Your life will improve I'm sure, without this ol' ball and chain
You said some hard things though true, you won't regret
You'll be rid of me, you life improved, and all this you'll forget
For years I've been asking so many times, "why do I fail?"
With each time I cause pain, into my coffin goes another nail
I knew this was coming It's ok, I know sorrow and love do not mix
And I know that wothout me, all of this you can fix
I should come with a warning tag or sign that reads:
CAUTION: Heartbreaking; in spite of good deeds
So now I'll say bye to you, and what started as a blind date
Because now it's your turn to find YOUR Soulmate.
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No one can say you hide your emotions under a basket. You've exposed your very soul, it seems, in this poem. In some places the rhyme feels forced, in others, the rhythm is off, but the heart of the poem, much as the heart of you, is intense and revealing.
I'm sure that without me all things for you will improveIn this line, you could probably eliminate "for you" without changing the meaning of the line, but improving the rhythm.
Your life will improve I'm sure, without this ol' ball and chainIn this line, yoou could eliminate "I'm sure" which will maintain the meaning and improve the rhythm.
"and what started as a blind date" does not fit into the sense of these two lines. Perhaps you can find another way to include a rhyming word for soulmate.So now I'll say bye to you, and what started as a blind date
Because now it's your turn to find YOUR Soulmate.
This was a great reading experience. I hope you are able to do some healing yourself.
The emotional impact of this poem is disturbing..it is not clear whether you are leaving because you were asked or felt it was out of necessity...it may be important only to me, because this poem is so intense, i think you need to know more what is what before you leave the reader.
Well, this piece definately had quite a bit of emotion tied to it, and you can sense it in the word choice, and the sentence structure. I was intrigued, and plan to read your accompanying poem right after I finish this critique!
Personally, I didn't like the rhyme-meter that you used, and it made the whole poem sound kind of like an elementary school piece. I noticed a few typos here and there with the language. For example, in line eleven, you misspelled 'you're', but, as you said, you did write this poem hastily and spelling errors are bound to happen.
The poem was a bit vague, but I did definately enjoy the ending. I felt it was quite powerful. You might not wanted to show this to the girl you wrote it for though. If she was just a blind-date and you wrote a poem like this for her, it would seem kind of stand-offish.
Thanks for posting!