Hi Mina,

I have just a few notes that I hope will be helpful to you. First, your story pitch caught my eye-- anything that involves a secret society is still a relatively hot trend coming off the popularity of Da Vinci Code, Rule of Four, and Dante Club. Particularly with GW's involvement with The Skull & Bones society, it's definitely an exciting concept. But be sure you read what other people are writing, and think of ways to deliver your story in a different, more innovative way than theirs. No matter how great your story is, publishers are going to compare your work to Dan Brown simply because of his enormous popularity.

This is your first chapter, and by definition (at least in the publishing world) has to accomplish a few things for your novel. 1) Hook the reader into the story. 2) Establish tone (and style). 3) Establish  where the plot is going to go. 

[Note: This is different than the construction of a chapter, which is exactly like setting up a scene in a film. A chapter should generally (in this order): 1) establish setting (preferably with a hook), 2) establish character, 3) establish a problem to solve (or answer why am I interested in reading this chapter?), 4) character addresses problem, and 5) hook the reader into the next chapter with some new development with the problem]

In every moment of reading this chapter, I kept waiting for some suspense to be built about the secret society, The Underground. After all, that's what got me interested in your story. Instead, however, there was a long discussion about hair-dye, a few gadgets, some mention about weapons (that I didn't altogether understand), and lengthy explanations about Darling's relationship to Casey and to Niome. I wouldn't ask you to change your plot/delivery, but as a reader I'm just saying I was hoping to see/hear/feel suspense built about the school, but I never got it. Instead, there was this paragraph:

The Cardinal Point Universities are places everyone knew about but few got to attend. Each had its own focus and curriculum and its own nicknames.  Cardinal West is officially known as the University of the Arts, but its nickname is the Underground because of its very freestyle and rebelious way of teaching different artistic genres. Cardinal East is known as the University of the Future, but its nickname is the Lab because that is where all the science and technological enterprises are experimented with. Cardinal North is the University of the Warrior, but its nickname is the Armory because this is the place where all the nations get their best soldiers and equipment to defend themselves against outside threats. The last university is Cardinal South, the University of Enlightenment, otherwise known as the Temple for its almost religious teachings of peace and understanding. The four universities operated separate from each other but interacted with each other on many levels. One requirement of all students is that they spend a semester in the other Cardinal Points, learning their basic teachings in order to become well rounded.

This is telling me. It's not showing me. You clearly know Cardinal Points. So show it to us... the way JK Rowling showed us Hogwarts. Harry Potter knows nothing about Hogwarts, like the reader knows nothing of it. But he gets his invitation, hops on the train, and all of the sudden he's being led across the lake at night and sees this huge castle! And then he's taken into the Great Hall where the sorting hat chooses a house for him, and in the meantime he sees ghosts, people in paintings, and all sorts of other things that let me go, "wow, this is a wondrous place! I want to see more!" But in Cardinal Points, we spend the first two pages in the car with Casey-- something that has not a lot to do with the hook of the story-- and then we jump to a discussion with Niome. The whole scene I was waiting for (actually visiting Cardinal Points) was reduced to something mentioned in dialogue:

"Well the campus is really just one massive building - I'm talking like an entire block of the city. Apparently there are only 300 students in the school at any given time - however many graduate are how many they let enter the freshman class. This year its 20." I took a drink of my soda. Niome looked at me. "Only 20 are allowed in this year? Not a lot of chances here." I nodded. "And I'm still not sure how they pick the new students. The only paperwork I filled out was my biographical info. We were required to bring a notebook and a pen or pencil and then we were allowed to wander the campus." "Then what?" "That was it. We looked around for about two hours and then we were rounded up to be sent home." 

A few smaller things:

1) Much of your dialogue isn't essential to your plot. In TV, the dialogue you have would work just fine, but in fiction, dialogue must always contribute to the plot. Also, the dialogue/jargon sounds like a high schooler, but be sure you decide what target audience you're going for-- adult readers may not want to read characters that say "no shit" and "that's wicked cool"

2) I was distracted whenever multiple subjects were blended into the same paragraph. This is the same with dialogue tags. If Darling says something, but Casey does something in response to it, those two subjects can't be in the same paragraph. 

3) I was also confused as to the time period. In your pitch, you say "turn of the century" which in literary terms refers to the 1900s. But after reading, I assume it's the 2000 century you refer to. And I may be an "average reader" but I wasn't able to get an image of the "stylus" or the "com." Maybe if you put the manufacturer in front of it ("NEC Stylus" or "Nokia Com"). If it's futuristic you're going for, this is not a far cry from what Phillip Dick or Arthur Clarke did. But to evoke a futuristic mood/tone, there needs to be a lot more gadgets and maybe some cyberpunk landscape imagery.

Hope all of this helps. It's a good, marketable concept, so I think you should stick with it. Best of luck!

 I agree with the last comment... This could be a truly great story, but it needs something that grabs the reader and holds them there!! I also was waiting for the plot to thicken and become more of an intrique. You were successful enough to have my imagination going but somehow it didn't come into fruitation.  I also couldn't get a grip of what my surroundings were like. For instance, weather or scenery, set the basic mood the reader should feel while reading. Maybe even more of a description of the characters and their basic history. With more editing and spell checking this should be a work of art like it was intended to be. I was curious though, under what genre does this work fall under? I'm hoping to read more when you get more written. A little advice; you should end each chapter with a cliff hanger so your readers either can't wait to pick the story up again or just can't put it down until its end... Keep writing it only gets better!

 I'm agreeing with the others at this point. Secret societies have been used again and again. Some questions to think about would be, 'What makes this story better, or different from the others?' 'How am I going to convince my readers this is something different?'

I think there can always be improvements made, or new developments on other people's ideas, but like N. the instant I heard 'The Underground' I immediately thought Masonic rituals and the like.

I also find your first chapter does need to get involved with the story faster. If key events don't happen until later, you might try the classic 'Ending first, beginning later' concept commonly used in stories where we get a glimpse of what is to come, but then back up several months earlier to explore events leading up to that.

As for writing styles and such, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on that just yet until you decide exactly what the story will be about..

SD

 The university lounge was full of students eating or studying between classes.  I sat down gratefully on one of the couches, next to a tall raven haired girl who gave me a dirty look.

 

"Who said you could sit there?" The girl asked haughtily.

Just an opinion, but I'd switch these two sentences, starting the with haughtily girl.  It'd be a bit catchier.  I also have to say that rather than "haughtily", I'd work in an active description, showing us what makes her haughtily.  Same in the next paragraph with "conversationally".  Use the dialogue to show us that it's conversational, instead of telling us and expecting us to believe.

"Thorne, if I could speak with you for a moment?"

I'd have liked her name worked in a bit earlier.  Here, I stopped and wondered who the new character was.

"I was going over your paper..." I cringed, waiting for it. "... and I think your theory is very intriguing."  I smiled in relief.  

By putting her actions within the dialogue, you confuse the readers with who's speaking. 

"I was going over your paper..."

I cringed, waiting for it.

"...and I think your theory is very intriguing.

I smiled in relief.

This problem continues through the rest of the dialogue.  Separate speech from different characters to keep clarity.

"Well yes, in a way.  I think, in my alternate reality, that

Again, here, I had to go back and figure out who's speaking.  It's a writers job to make the reader's job easy.  Just some tweaking would fix that.

"Is this where you have always wanted to be?" I asked, then blushed. 

I may be wrong, but if your going with third person, she can't really see herself blush, so I'd find another description.  Others feel different about this, so it's just my opinion.  Take it or leave it.

You did a good job leaving us with suspense, wanting to read more.  I think you've got a great start to the story.  I'd like to see more clarity from the main character, who really doesn't seem to have much of a personality right now.  As well as the professor, if, in fact, he means something to the story down the road.  I recommend on cutting back on adverbs, using more concrete description to show us what's going on.

Other than that, great start.  I look forward to reading more.

Thanks for the read.  --Amber