The Escape, Chapter 3
short story, romance, mystery
Published on:
March 20, 9:22pmWord Count:
631Work Description
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I headed downstairs for breakfast and found my dad mumbling to
himself. I ignored him when he looked up at me with suspicion in
his eyes. I served myself some of my favorite cereal and ate faster
than usual. I washed my plate and felt my father come up to me.
“Father, am I still the vampire bate?’ I asked him unsure about the
answer he was going to give me. “Yes, there is no reason why you
shouldn’t be”, he said with a booming voice, his words repeating in
my ears over and over. I didn’t like the reason that I had to be
the one used for all this wars. They think that I’m a good at these
things just because I’m younger than anyone else.
The Boy!
I forgot all about him and what had happened. I wonder where he
went after I found out what he was. I hope he’s still around the
town so I can ask him about the war. He should know what happens
since he is part of it, right? I ran upstairs and into my room
before anyone knew what I was up to. I packed all the needed
equipment so I could leave. While I was, I tried not to make as
much noise as possible. Once I was finished, I too jumped out my
window and headed where the boy had. I already knew that this trip
wasn't going to be as easy as I expect it to be.
As I was walking down the "road", I came up to three paths that
lead to who knows where. I looked at the floor of all of them to
see if there was any sign of footsteps. I couldn't really see much
because it was starting to get darker. My senses told me to take
the right path but I wasn't sure whether to listen to it. I
followed it even though I wasn't sure about my choice.
Seven Days Later
I was growing tired and the luggage seemed heavier with every
passing minute. I felt as if I was going to fall any second from
the lack of sleep. It was night fall and I knew that I couldn’t
fall asleep yet. I could hear my stomach growling and I couldn’t
even remember when I ate.
I finally fell on top of a sack of flour in an alley. Before I fell
into unconscious, I saw a black figure walk towards me. I couldn’t
see after that and I let my eyes close as I drifted off to
sleep.
I opened my eyes and found myself in some sort of house. I stood up
and found myself face to face to the same boy. I screamed because
he had just popped out of nowhere. The boy didn’t react the same
way but he did jump back a bit. I looked at him with pure confusion
in my eyes. “I know your very confused right now”, he started, “but
don’t be frightened” I stood up and took four steps back. He just
took more steps toward me as if he was my shadow. I was getting
scared at his reactions and decided to just walk around him. Once I
did that, he took a hold of my wrist and gripped it hard. “Please
let go of me” It sounded more demanding than I thought it would
have sounded. He did as I told but turned me around so I would be
looking at him.
We were a few inches away from each of our faces and he started
leaning in. I knew what would come after he came close enough to my
face. I shut my eyes tightly and waited until.....
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Discussion
You have some grammatical errors that I’m sure, if you read out loud, you’ll find. The story does move pretty fast but that’s partly because you tell more than show. A reader feels more and gets involved more by showing a story. A couple of well chosen and well placed adjectives would be a start. For flow, I’d try separating you paragraphs a bit from the dialogue. It makes it easier to read. You have the basis for the story down, now you should mold it like a ceramic pot to the shape you want.



I think that this is a good story and it is very cool but it goes to fast and you need to make it a little more descriptive and it is very cool the way you wrote it but it is very interseting. You need to add a little more to it some description would work like here:I headed downstairs for breakfast and found my dad mumbling to himself. I ignored him when he looked up at me with suspicion in his eyes. I served myself some of my favorite cereal and ate faster than usual. I washed my plate and felt my father come up to me. “Father, am I still the vampire bate?’ I asked him unsure about the answer he was going to give me. “Yes, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be”, he said with a booming voice, his words repeating in my ears over and over. I didn’t like the reason that I had to be the one used for all this wars. They think that I’m a good at these things just because I’m younger than anyone else.
This could become like three paragraphs if you just add a little more to it and see how much description you can make. It will really work then. Best of Luck!