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The Escape, Chapter 3

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short story, romance, mystery
1st
Draft

Published on:

March 20, 9:22pm

Word Count:

631

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Chapter: 3
Page: 1
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I headed downstairs for breakfast and found my dad mumbling to himself. I ignored him when he looked up at me with suspicion in his eyes. I served myself some of my favorite cereal and ate faster than usual. I washed my plate and felt my father come up to me. “Father, am I still the vampire bate?’ I asked him unsure about the answer he was going to give me. “Yes, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be”, he said with a booming voice, his words repeating in my ears over and over. I didn’t like the reason that I had to be the one used for all this wars. They think that I’m a good at these things just because I’m younger than anyone else.

The Boy!

I forgot all about him and what had happened. I wonder where he went after I found out what he was. I hope he’s still around the town so I can ask him about the war. He should know what happens since he is part of it, right? I ran upstairs and into my room before anyone knew what I was up to. I packed all the needed
equipment so I could leave. While I was, I tried not to make as much noise as possible. Once I was finished, I too jumped out my window and headed where the boy had. I already knew that this trip wasn't going to be as easy as I expect it to be.

As I was walking down the "road", I came up to three paths that lead to who knows where. I looked at the floor of all of them to see if there was any sign of footsteps. I couldn't really see much because it was starting to get darker. My senses told me to take the right path but I wasn't sure whether to listen to it. I followed it even though I wasn't sure about my choice.

Seven Days Later

I was growing tired and the luggage seemed heavier with every passing minute. I felt as if I was going to fall any second from the lack of sleep. It was night fall and I knew that I couldn’t fall asleep yet. I could hear my stomach growling and I couldn’t even remember when I ate.
I finally fell on top of a sack of flour in an alley. Before I fell into unconscious, I saw a black figure walk towards me. I couldn’t see after that and I let my eyes close as I drifted off to sleep.

I opened my eyes and found myself in some sort of house. I stood up and found myself face to face to the same boy. I screamed because he had just popped out of nowhere. The boy didn’t react the same way but he did jump back a bit. I looked at him with pure confusion in my eyes. “I know your very confused right now”, he started, “but don’t be frightened” I stood up and took four steps back. He just took more steps toward me as if he was my shadow. I was getting scared at his reactions and decided to just walk around him. Once I did that, he took a hold of my wrist and gripped it hard. “Please let go of me” It sounded more demanding than I thought it would have sounded. He did as I told but turned me around so I would be looking at him.

We were a few inches away from each of our faces and he started leaning in. I knew what would come after he came close enough to my face. I shut my eyes tightly and waited until.....

Page: 1
Chapter: 3
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Discussion

 I think that this is a good story and it is very cool but it goes to fast and you need to make it a little more descriptive and it is very cool the way you wrote it but it is very interseting. You need to add a little more to it some description would work like here:I headed downstairs for breakfast and found my dad mumbling to himself. I ignored him when he looked up at me with suspicion in his eyes. I served myself some of my favorite cereal and ate faster than usual. I washed my plate and felt my father come up to me. “Father, am I still the vampire bate?’ I asked him unsure about the answer he was going to give me. “Yes, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be”, he said with a booming voice, his words repeating in my ears over and over. I didn’t like the reason that I had to be the one used for all this wars. They think that I’m a good at these things just because I’m younger than anyone else.

This could become like three paragraphs if you just add a little more to it and see how much description you can make. It will really work then. Best of Luck!

 

 

You have some grammatical errors that I’m sure, if you read out loud, you’ll find. The story does move pretty fast but that’s partly because you tell more than show. A reader feels more and gets involved more by showing a story. A couple of well chosen and well placed adjectives would be a start. For flow, I’d try separating you paragraphs a bit from the dialogue. It makes it easier to read. You have the basis for the story down, now you should mold it like a ceramic pot to the shape you want.

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