i liked this poem- im guessing its about war????? a couple things though--

"you hold all the suspense"

 

is a little off-beat and out of natural rhythym. im not really sure what you could do to fix it but ill think about it and maybe get back to you. also--

"the bomb just hit us- hard"

 

i think should be "the bomb just hit us 'really' hard"  -- sounds  lot more natural and flowing and in the rhythym with the rest of the poem.

the third line in the last stanza-

"this war is awfully gory"

 

sounds a little strange because of (again) rhythym

i really really really like the thing where you take the third line, last word in the stanza and use it as the rhyme sound for the next stanza line 1,2,+4

keep up the good work! try and make your poem sound a little more flowing and natural sounding and i think you've got a winner!!

~Fainne

 I really like this poem for a number of reasons. It is very simple and not over-the-top regarding the horrors of war.  You're addressing another person, not just describing scenes.  Perhaps another reason I like it is because you're trying to get someone to understand, and you state "I'm willing you to understand."  That's a very powerful statement with only five simple words. Excellent.

While I do appreciate the simplicity of the poem, I found it difficult to read simply in terms of the rhythm. Some lines came out as too jerky because it didn't follow the same meter as the line before.  Freeform poetry is great, but I would make it consistent whether you're going to have a rhythm or not. I say this only because it can detract from the reader's appreciation of the piece if they have to go back not to re-read for comprehension or further appreciation, but to straighten out the line in their head for comfort.

Finally, I wasn't sure about your line, "black and cold as tar."  In my experience, I haven't seen cold tar; it's usually steaming. Perhaps this is simply a deficit in my experience, but is there maybe a better comparison you could make?

 That's pretty amazing how this whole poem flows together. I love the detail that you used.

 Well done. I really like the aaba rhyme scheme. I've never written anything with that scheme, but I love the way it sounds. I think I may try now

A few suggestions:

The bloody forest is too dense

The opposing gives a false pretense

Interrogation far too near

You hold all the suspense

I'm not sure why, but the rhythm of the last line seems off, or choppy. Maybe add "of" before "the"..? I'm not sure.

We’ve been running long and far

The sky too bright, there are no stars

This war is awfully gory

The bomb just hit us- hard.

I hit the third line, and had to start over. The last two lines just seem so.. short and abrupt. Was that an intentional way to bring the poem to a close? I'm not sure why, it just doesn't feel right to me.

As sparks fly down, you start to tear

It won’t be over soon, my dear

Your skin as black and cold as tar

My eyes are frozen all with fear

I really like this stanza. The rhythm is perfect. The imagery is great. Also, I like the conversational tone of the second line.

Overall, well done. I would just watch the rhythm a little in those two spots. Maybe read it out loud.

Hope this helps,

-dnm

I love it. Changing those couple hangups made a huge difference for me with the rhythm. And once you changed the second to last line, the ending is perfect. Nice job