The Keep
flash fiction, childrens, short story
Published on:
June 30, 12:18amWord Count:
526Last Edited:
July 6, 6:40pmWork Description
Prompt: Write a piece entirely in dialogue in 500 words or less. Two sisters play a game.
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“Quiet.”
“Why we being quiet?”
“Doncha see ‘em coming? Look.”
“All I see is some dirty old bushes. And grass.”
“In the sky, Viv.”
“Some birds.”
“They’re spies. They might see us and report back to the Keep.”
“God.”
“Not ‘posed to use the name in vain. Quiet, now.”
“Jill, what’s the Keep?”
“It’s the evil headquarters where the Witch lives, and brews her
spells. Those weren’t birds, they were…caracrows. She made them
from mud, mixed with ‘elium to make ‘em float.”
“You mean helium?”
“Nah, silly. We gotta dash before the caracrows come back. You
ready?”
“Jill! Slow down!"
"You catch up!"
"Where we going?”
“Behind this tree. Hurry. I feel ‘em coming—”
“Watcha mean ‘feel ‘em coming’?”
“I can sense magic. ‘Specially evil types. It’s my power.”
“What’s my power?”
“Can’t sense any in you.”
“Jill!”
“Fine. I do sense some. But just a wee bit. You got potential.”
“‘Tential what?”
“Geez, Viv. I dunno. You gotta find it yourself.”
“Can’t you just tell me?”
“Nah. We gotta find the Keep now.”
“Thought you said some Witch lives there!”
“Yeah, she does. Now quiet while I sense for it.”
“I don’t wanna go find no Witch!”
“Calm down. She ain’t gonna hurt you none.”
“Fine, then. Where’s the Keep?”
“It’s back in the house. In the basement.”
“What’s it doin’ in there?”
“You can ask the Witch when we get there.”
“Why we running so fast?”
“Gotta hurry before the Witch blows the house up.”
“Does what?”
“Blows it up. She’s making the potion right now, but she don’t have
the last ingredient. It’s little girl hair. She gonna try to take
your hair.”
“Why not your hair?”
“I’m no little girl. I’m a young lady.”
“Momma only calls you that when you’re being naughty.”
“Yeah? Well, she never calls you that. Just calls you Viviann.”
“Why you whispering again?”
“Momma’s sleeping. Best not to wake her.”
“How you know she’s asleep?”
“Sensed it. Watch that stair. It creaks.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Open the door slowly.”
“What you gasping about? I don’t see nothing.”
“Run, Viv!”
“Why you talking like that? Is the Witch invisible? What’s going
on? Ow! What that for, Jill?”
“The Witch – inside of me – possessing me – help – Viv – run –”
“Oh my God, Jill! Stop it! Stop it! That’s not funny. What are you
doing? Stop – you’re bleeding, you’ll wake Momma up – ”
“Viv–”
“God, Jill. God, Jill.”
“Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.”
“Geez, stop tapping your fingers on the floor. Is that what you
would really do if I passed out?”
“Jill!”
“Gerroff me, Viv!”
“Wait.”
“What.”
“You were faking the whole time? You – you ran into the wall!”
“That hurt, too.”
“Stop it! Stop it! STOP LAUGHING, JILL!”
“Geez.”
“Why’d you do that? Why?”
“Why you crying?”
“I thought the Witch –”
“Geez, Viv. You’re crazy.”
“Never do that again, Jill.”
“Geez. I won’t.”
“Can I have a ‘tential now?”
“They ain’t ‘tential, moron. And you gotta find them
yourself.”
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This was certainly a pleasant short story. You did an excellent job of capturing the whimiscal, convulted, easily distracted nature of children at play. For a purely dialogue driven piece, it flows quite well, and the action is relatively easy to follow. I couldn't find any nits to pick in particular, and in truth my only complaint is...well, I'm left wondering if there was a point I'm missing, or if this is merely intended as a scene to something larger. If so, I look forward to it. Nicely done!
As a pure dialogue and writing a flash story about two little girls pretending in a fantasy works okay, however in my opinion, the vagueness of parts of storytelling string the reader along in a somewhat confused state as to what might be happening.
As far as plot goes it is very thin and I do not believe a reader can actually follow what is happening very well. Different things happen so swiftly that the reader has a difficult time comprehending the meaning of them. The style of writing appears rather unstructured.
The pacing is swift and different things happen to the two little girls abruptly and generally without much meaning.
I believe the story would improve greatly if there was some character development of the protagonist and if the pace had been more varied. perhaps the author might start a little slower at the beginning and allow the reader to know the main character a little at the start, so the reader has a connection to her little girl.
There is generally not much in the way of description. A few items might be added to show where the little girls are, give a little atmosphere to the story; let the reader feel some sort of emotion: danger, relieve, sadness or fear.
If some of the vague things that come at the girls like diving mosquitoes were replaced with short bits of atmosphere this would improve the story. It is surprising how few words can say so much.
The point of view is excellent and I find the general idea of the little girls' fantasy playing to be a wonderful concept. I just would not like to see a cliche or cop out at the end, like it was all a dream, or something like that. The girls' conversation could be expanded somewhat so the reader may visualize them better.
The two girls appear to be real and typical for little girls, but I believe a little more character development is needed.
There is much dialogue in this flash story, actually it cloaked the whole of the story. Too much dialogue can lose the reader so that the story becomes all telling without any showing.
I found that I did not stumble over any of the grammar or spelling.
Again, I found this story to be nearly all dialogue. The things that happened extraneously to the little girls did not appear to amount to anything. The fantasy idea is intriguing, however in my opinion, the vagueness of parts of storytelling string the reader along in a somewhat confused state as to what is really happening.
This dialogue was very fast, fun, and exciting. You have an imagination well-suited for this art.
So you've got a naughty young lady with a vivid imagination and a younger gullible sister who falls for all her elder's plots and ploys. This is what I was able to pick up. Being purely dialogue, it would be best to introduce the two speakers right from the start of the piece so we can determine who is speaking and when.
Certain one or two word dialogues, such as "God" "What" "Wait" don't really add to the piece and can confuse the reader as to who is speaking. Since there are no, Viv said, Jill said, their dialogue needs to be specific to their differing personalities or age-level so that the reader can follow it without having to go back trying to figure out who said it.
In my opinion, the beginning could be stronger being the very introductoin to the dialogue and what's taking place. Quiet, Viv, don't ya see 'em coming? Why we being quiet, Jill. All I see is some dirty old bushes. And grass.etc . . .
Dialogue does not exactly follow the grammatical rules. It can't, less everyone sound the same, but regardless of the individual's erroneous speach, it should remain consistent. Jill fluctuates from slang to a grammatical correctness. If using slang or word shortcuts They're would be They "They spies." If some of Jill's lines are going to use ain't, then consistency would change "Those weren't birds, they were caracrows" to They ain't birds, they caracrows or they was carecrows rather than they were, if Jill's dialogue is going to play falsely with past and present tense.
"Open the door slowly" to "What you gasping about? I don't see nothing." is a bit confusing without the transition. Maybe you could say something like ,Open the door slowly. There you go. Oh my God, Viv. Run. What you gasping about? I don't see nothing.
Finally in the part of "Wake up, wake up, wake up," it's hard to say who's talking and who she's trying to wake up. If she's trying to wake out a passed out Jill, then the reader needs to know Jill passed out and she's trying to wake her. If she's pounding on Momma's door screaming for Momma to wake up, the reader needs to know this.
Your ending serves as a nice and humorous closure to the story. Good job.
“Can I have a ‘tential now?”
“They ain’t ‘tential, moron. And you gotta find them yourself.”
Very cute ending. The whole thing was amusing and fun to read.
i liked this a lot...it was every bit flash...would honestly think it would make a great illustrated children's book...i read it quickly and understood who was speaking quite clearly...the pace of the writing, even using the slang, kept my attention...nice work
This was a very interesting read, however, I will not pretend I understand the dialogue. It's fast paced, and the imagery is fantastic. It carries the reader along whether or not he or she understands the dialogue. Will this be a book? I am curious to know where you are going with this piece.
Nicely done.
Shilohx7