The Seasons
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She watches Spring with
sadness in her eyes,
and after that comes Summer edged in gold;
and Winter comes as Autumn falls and dies,
through Winter she lies shivering with cold.
He longs for her in gardens of their youth;
the pathways where they danced are etched with earth;
the flowerbeds lie empty and uncouth;
but he remembers what it once was worth.
One Spring three score and seven years ago,
the gardens were magnificent as she.
Her golden locks and golden eyes aglow
made her the heart of Summer jubilee.
Though every boy in town longed for her hand,
a gentleman—! Naught less would she demand.
And then that Fall a stranger came to town;
he was as debonair as he was dark.
The golden girl appraised his smile and frown,
and felt her love for him that day embark.
The stranger snubbed her girlish flirtations—
he saw enough of them with flippant glare.
Her heart broke, and crashed her expectations;
she sank into a Wintry, deep despair.
As Spring bloomed ‘cross the sodden world once more,
the stranger came a-calling to her heart.
Though fervent love for him burned as before,
her willful anger kept the pair apart.
Alas! The sadness of the human soul;
his yearning heart burned like a crimson coal.
Then one day came crying from the garden,
some solace and much comfort did she need.
He dropped on his knees to beg her pardon,
she whispered that she wanted him indeed.
The glowing lovers danced in Summer’s heat,
the coolest day of Fall was when they wed,
and Winter came as their love grew complete;
but Spring! ah, Spring! was when he found her – dead.
She walked among the flowers every day;
A serpent that sad morn hid on the ground.
It bit her on the leg, slithered away,
and there she died without another sound.
And still for him she whispers and she sings,
through every Summer, Winter, Fall, and
Spring.
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Discussion
Overall, I liked your poem, but a few things disturbed me while reading this poem and they chopped up the flow for me, so that it was not as enjoyable as it might have been.
The repetition in the beginning of 'Winter' gives, to me, the effect of one stuttering ones lines.
I also found redundancy in word usage; esp. the costant barrage of 'golden'.
And the usage of 'three score and seven years ago' is too antiquated; as is, later, the word 'Naught'. Neither seem to fit in with the rest of your style of writing. As I read the poem, I am cruising right along and the suddenly I come to a four-way stop. It is jarring.
However, as I said in the beginning, I do like the poem and look forward to reading other poetry by you in the future.
Please recieve these comments understanding the underlying motive: helpful service.
The peice is wistful and bittersweet, but lacking some of the sweet. The longing comes through loud and clear, but it seems hollow in the face of the lackluster romance. I love the feel of the first three stanzas, but the remainder of the work seems to pale in comparison. I think you can play a bit more subtly with the products of the seasons rather than continuously calling them out by name. You have a chance to really pull out some emotion here, that is lost with some of the redundancy.
Her heart broke, and crashed her expectations;
she sank into a Wintry, deep despair.
I think you could use lines like this to pull out the feel of winter without calling it wintry. If it's supposed to feel cold, make it so. If it is supposed to feel dead, go with it. I think there is a lot of potential in this peice!
The end gets a bit confusing and saps some of the strength of the poem. When it was her longing and feelings it was good. Somewhere along the line you went from 1st person ish to 3rd person ish and the emotion drained out a bit. I love the start, and hope you continue refining the peice.



Your poem is indeed quaint; I like the way you liken the seasons to the stages of life and love. You are very talented; however, I am not sure I fully understood the symbolism of the snake. Was that a reference to the garden of eden? You'd taken your readers through the seasons, with near perfect imagery, and this reader experienced a range of emotions. I especially like the line: ."...his yearning heart burned like a crimson coal." That's an excellent simile.
The way you've chosen to write and show the verses is also unique. The rhyming and pacing are excellent. The imagery throughout is great. Great job. Shilohx7