Gnash, Chapter 1: Xander
vampire, drama, novel, science fiction
Published on:
June 15, 2:40pmWord Count:
789Work Description
This is the story of a neo vampire and a vampiress and how their two cultures greatly affect eachother.
Chapter Description
Xander, a normal man gets transformed into something so vile, that even vampires shudder.
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Thin lips kissed the dirt floor, eyes wide and awake until
the darkness hit him. The hills and crevices of his body lay
sprawled and pressed into the mud, brown and scarlet meshed
together in the collision. His head rested on a rather large stone
and blood trickled down from his temples. His mouth was agape and
too had red dripping into the mud. Cold droplets of water fell from
the sky, splattering on the pale back of Xander. Explosions of
purples and greens lined his skinny body. His head felt heavy, he
had lost his vision, and his hearing was muffled and static. But he
could make out certain words.
A deep male voice boomed in his head, making it hurt slightly more.
It echoed in his skull, banging back and forth.
"Is he dead?" The voice was almost monotone.
"No." The second voice was that of a whiny female. Her voice was even worse on his head. It was high pitched and pierced his ears.
"Good." The male voice said again.
And then, he felt the complete darkness take over his body.
A ray of light stabbed his eyes. He flickered them open,
blinking a few times to get used to the sun. The heat was beating
down on his naked body and he knew that the night had come and gone
again. The sun was poking its yellow irises over the mountainous
horizon. Xander clenched his teeth as he rose his pounding head. He
could feel his heartbeat drilling into his temples. With a quick
movement he snapped his body up and felt an eruption of pain ran
down his spine. He opened his mouth, as if ready to scream, but no
sound escaped. The excruciating pain almost sent him over the edge
towards unconsciousness. He could see the pallid, flopping thing,
called his arm, wrapped the wrong way around his back. Xander used
his other, less damaged arm and snapped the other into place.
Xander bit his lower lip to the point of bleeding. And then he
remembered.
He closed his eyes as he stood, trying to keep his balance, but
found himself wobbling to-and-fro. His legs were made of jello. He
took a deep breath, as the recollection hit him harder than the
hundreds of bruises and cuts adorning his body.
Vampires.
Xander's body had needle prods all along his toned frame. He knew what was to come. With much effort, he stood again. His weary body wanted otherwise, but he began walking. No, running. With stumbling steps and flailing arms, he ran. Because if he didn't, -they- would find him. The pain was soon replaced with adrenaline, which helped him run even faster.
"No. No. No." He said without a breath between each constant
word. When in the distance, the inviting fence beckoned to him. Its
words were barely legible at this point but as his body pushed
itself closer he could read it.
"Park Boundaries"
Soon he'd be back into civilization, and everything would be
normal. He crunched down on his lip again and thrusted forward. The
fence was not really a fence, but a barrier. It was a bright blue
cylindrical ray which spewed light, surrounding the park.
He tried hard to keep his eyes open, almost peeling them open with
each blink. He could feel the darkness, all around him and it
seemed to grow as he got closer. But he could make it. He knew once
he escaped this horrid place, it'd all be over. But would it?
What if...Well what if the worst had happened? His thoughts rambled
and jumbled together into a blur of pure insanity. But then, he
could feel the slightly warmer impact of the beam. His eyes
flickered and he realised, he'd made it. Soon someone would find
him. Because right after that spurt of warmth, a bustling city's
noise grew louder. He was right outside the telepod station. Xander
took slow steps towards the metal ring on the ground, pushing in
front of silent people. His hand graced the keypad but he couldn't
move his fingers,
"Do you need some help, sir?" An older man whispered into young
Xander's ear. He didn't then realise that he was completely nude,
which made things awkward.
Xander nodded, which made his neck crack once or twice and hurt
like a bitch.
"Where do you want to go?"
"T-Tel-Tel'Puix." His voice was deeper than most
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Great first line.
This line I don't like so much. When you say his body has hills and crevices, it makes it sound very exaggerated, as if he's deformed or something. It makes me think of the grand canyon. And which collision? Are you saying that his body itself is a collision? It doesn't make much sense until we know more about what his body actually looks like.
You can cut "rather" here
I would introduce his name before you start using pronouns. Up to here you've referred to him as "him," and now throwing his name into the mix is a little jarring. Also, change it from the passive to "splattering on Xander's pale back."
You've got too much color going on in this paragraph. First he's brown and scarlet meshed into a collision; then he's got red trickling from his head; now he's got purple and green to boot. Stick with one palette to paint a vivid picture--no need to throw the rainbow into a single paragraph.
If he's hurting as much as it sounds like he is, then "slightly" seems out of place here. Would a slight increase to so much pain even make a difference? Would it even register? Consider changing this to: "A deep male voice boomed in his head. It hurt and echoed in his skull..."
"The" is misplaced... is there a single canonical darkness that always takes over bodies? Cut it.
Here you've mismatched the plural. A single ray can't pierce both eyes. Consider "Light stabbed at his eyes" or "A ray of light pierced through the darkness"
A sun has irisis? Most sun imagery makes it out as a single eye; here you're personifying it as if it were a face, I guess, but that seems kind of out of place considering the very dark and violent imagery in the previous paragraphs. I'd rethink this image.
You mean "raised"
This also seems like a strange image. I see what you're getting at, but the way it's phrased makes it seem as though his heart is reaching up from his chest and literally drilling at his head. I think it's a bit out there. Consider "He could feel his heartbeat pounding in his temples"
I think you have another mismatched image. The bruises and cuts can't hit someone if they're adorning it; the two words aren't compatible. You can cut this to "...as the recollection hit him harder than his bruises and cuts."
No comma here
This is a cliched narrative trick. You just said that he KNOWS. Why second guess him in the very next sentence?
Slightly warmer than what?
No comma here
Apostrophe goes outside the s for possessive
Period, not a comma
Putting two age comparisons in the same sentence seems a little forced.
I'm assuming you're referring to Xander's voice, in which case I'd ask, why do you mention that Xander's voice is lulling and calm, when it should be Xander that needs to be lulled and calmed?
Put this description first. Qualifying the old man before you've described him doesn't make sense--It's as if you're implying there's another old man there as well, which I know you aren't.
What lines of people? You didn't mention there was a crowd.
All and all, I'd say it's an interesting beginning to a story, but still needs a lot of work. I noted some basic grammar mistakes above which you should hunt down in the future before publishing--even one basic grammar slip up can doom a book if the reader's picky enough. Also, even though I don't know if Xander is a vampire or not, the name Xander seems a little cliched for a vampire story. I'm not sure why I think that (I don't read much vampire literature), but it just seems like a very obvious, maybe too obvious, vampirey name. If you're looking to break out of the regular old vampire story, which I'd bet you are, then I'd consider changing his name, if it's not too late.
Good work, and keep writing!