I love this piece! It's very well done. My only qualm was that it seemed to lose its rhythm at the end of it. I would try to keep your stanzas in the same line length as the first one, and use its rhythm as a model for the next lines.

I like how you contrast the arts with professional careers, its a good technique to show her grow up and decide new things.

Welcome to Scribophile! I hope my comment helps!

First off, that's my birthday!!!    I really like this piece. I love how her hopes and dreams change throughout her youth in the piece.  It definitely showed off how many wonderful ideas and hopes we have as children! I'll go through it sort of line by line and offer up some suggestions.

"She will be a teacher!"

"She will be a lawyer!"

"She will be a nurse!"

This part seems like it is supposed to be read in a rushed manner.  I think you could play with things a bit if that's what you're going for and maybe cut out some words.  For example:

"She will be a teacher!"
"-- a lawyer!"
"-- a nurse!"      might be an effective way to eliminate repetitive words, and speed your reader up.

And started writing poems and

"LAME" songs

 
Putting 'lame' in all capital letters reads a bit unprofessional -- you could maybe play with something like putting it in italics (granted I know you can't really do this with the options Scribophile gives).

When can I fulfill my dreams?

When can I be a pediatrician?

When can I be a poet?

When can my sister and I form our band?

When can I be famous?

Here's another place where you could play with shortening the line length, to show how quickly they change from aspiration to aspiration.  Example:

"When can I fulfill my dreams?
-- be a pediatrician?
-- a poet?
-- form a band with my sister?
-- When can I be famous? "

Overall this is a good start... I think you just need to play in different ways with the rhythm, and the pacing until it flows. Keep reworking it and eventually something will just hit you... and you'll just know. (It sounds lame and cliche, but it happens.)

Welcome to Scribophile and keep on writing!! 

 

 Welcome to Scribophile! I agree with Mandi so I won't repeat what she's already said. I just wanted to say I enjoyed your poem!!!   It was a really fun read.  *thumbs up*

 Definetly a favorite of mine on here so far.... I read this and began to imagine my childhood, my dreams, my hopes, fears, and what I wanted to do with my life.... most importantly I began thinking of what my parents wanted for me and how much I have changed over the years.  I think it is amazing how from newborn to adult, a person can change a million times over and what their future holds comes one day at a time...

It makes me wonder if I am truly fullfilly all of my dreams right now... or if I am trying to live out someone else's hopes and dreams... it makes me want to take a step back and size my life up

 Great job, Hayden. Seems like the character in the poem wants to be a lot of things (lawyer, teacher, nurse). Very good use of contrasting arts in the poem, too. Very brilliant sense of writing.

 Wow that was amazing! It actaully made me look back at my life and see if the shoe fit. I don't see why anyone wont like a work like this. Even if I'm new here I say you're a pretty good writer . Keep up the good work!!

I think it kind of fits to my life because when I was younger I wanted to be so many things. I'm really glad that this peom brought me to look back in my life. I haven't noticed that she was just like me when I was like her. It's pretty amazing because I have never read a work like this before in my life. Not even in a real published book have they ever said that.

I saddly have to say that I agree with Brittany. It did, kind of, lose the rhythm towards the end of it. Try to make it stay with the rhythm a next time you write a poem.

Hey there. Nice piece. I really identify with how you feel.

In response to the first critique, I like that it changes rhythm and meter at the end. I felt like that was when you broke out of the mold others had cast for you and spoke for yourself. No more rut and repetition, but now you're blazing your own path.

Maybe I read too far into it, but this is what I took away from the piece. Regardless, I enjoyed and identified with this piece. Good work. --EF

 Wow... That's really good.

I love how well it explains the conflict that so many children seem to face with their parents. I really enjoyed how you progressed in your poem, and how you went throughout time struggling with the wants of everyone else, as well as yourself.

Its really well written. You should be proud of yourself. keep it up.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It wonderfully describes the way that people expect you to be great things...different things than what you want to be. I love how it tells of the people telling what she would be at such a young age:

She doesn't talk yet,

But her ambitions are set up for her already.

My most favourite part of this poem is:

When can I fulfill my dreams?

---be a pediatrician?

---a poet?

---form a band?

---be famous?

 

 

When can I be myself?

The way it is spaced it is wonderful, IMHO. It shows how through all the things everyone wants you to be. The only thing you really want to be is yourself. It's the hardest thing to be; yet, it's the thing people crave most. This poem is a great piece of work that describes the dilemma of having everyone tell you what you will be, while you are just trying to do what you want. Great job! (^_^)

This is brilliant, I like how you showed the change over time.  It's also a very universal experience which makes it easier to read and understand.  I really liked the part at the end of each stanza and the progession you made...

 

"I will be a dentist."

to...

"I want to be a lawyer."

to...

"You will be a nurse."

"But I want to be a pediatrician."

"NO!"

Sorry for the formatting... Anyways, I think this really works, I like how it shows the overall progression of someone coming into the world being told how to live and then slowly descending into that role, all the while wondering when she gets to live her own life.  This is brilliantly done.

The one thing I might change is the line,

But her ambitions are set up for her already.

It gets a little bit long and I don't think it really fits the framework.  If you shortened it up to something like "But her ambitions are already set up".  I just think that this would be a good way to keep a good rhythm going. 

Overall, I think this is an excellent piece of writing, and if you don't take my suggestion it will still be a brilliant piece.  Keep writing, I look forward to seeing what you write in the future.

 

 Wow thats is so deep and so true good job but I think that brittany is right the rythm is lost but that can be easily fixed!