Rapunzel, Chapter 1
short story, childrens, fantasy, fiction
Published on:
March 4, 6:31pmWord Count:
476Work Description
A darkened house. A high fence. A beautiful garden. A poor couple with nothing to give. A deal to change a life.
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Print
The dark silence remained unbroken. No one knew of the poor peasant couple's plan. No one would have cared.
The both of them began the climb over the fence, using a short length of rope, the only thing they had to their name. The woman soon slowed and eventually stopped. She couldn't leave her daughter like that, not yet. Her silent gestulations alerted her husband to the fact and she turned around to head away.
Continuing alone, the father grew weary and cautious. This trip could condemn all three of them, he knew, but he had to try. Giving up would be akin to murder.
Maintaining silence, he dropped over the fence. The beautiful, lush garden stood before him. His mouth watered, but it was vicarious, for his daughter. He knew he would never get to taste the beautiful harvest. Even so, he worked as if to save his own life. Pluck, pluck, pluck, the luscious fruit fell into a rough burlap sack.
A light shone from the inside of the house, suddenly. The father closed his eyes, silently wishing for his daughter's survival, and opened them. A tall woman stood at the ajar back door, back-lit and regal. As she marched towards him, he saw her face, royal and old, one that had seen too many years and too much hardship. Long, silken hair was woven into a braid that perfectly matched the silver of her dress.
Before she had a chance to speak, he pushed the sack into her hands and asked for mercy. For a long moment, her only response was to look at him with an expressionless face.
In a deep, worn voice, she asked why he had come. He replied that he could not feed his newborn daughter. Her blank stare turned slightly sympathetic and he continued, hopeful. He only wanted one thing, he explained, for his daughter to be looked after. A small smile came across her features.
She would grant his wish, she said, and he would be allowed to take the crops he had already collected. But he would not be able to contact his daughter, or see her again.
He agreed without a second thought.
A new life, a home for their baby, and enough food for a feast. It was easier not to see her, he knew, it was easier not to know that she would be ashamed of her parents and the way they lived. Easier to have a clean break.
The woman looked down at him again, suddenly cold. Bring her, she commanded him, and take the fruit back to your wife.
What did I pick? He asked, prolong the moment before he'd give his child away, and what will you name her?
Rapunzel, the woman said, for both.
She walked away, cradling the sleeping baby in her arms.
Rapunzel, she whispered, welcome home.
Rate This Work
Your honest rating will help the author improve, and you'll earn a little karma too.
Please log in to rate.Discussion
I'd like to preface this by saying that I love modern retellings of fairy tales; they're among my favorite kind of story. Mercedes Lackey's 500 Kingdoms, for instance. Love 'em.
the poor peasant couple
If you mean poor as in monetarily, then it's kind of redundant given that they're peasants. If you mean it as in pitiable, then you should make that clearer - and in that case, you're revealing your hand as the narrator more than you have in the rest of the piece.
Of all the things... why is a short length of rope the only thing they own? Are they naked? No home? ...basically, I found the language here imprecise. At the very least, give us a reason for it to be the case that the rope is all they have to their name; was everything else confiscated and they'd found it hanging from a tree?
gestulations
Both MS Word and Dictionary.com are convinced that this is not a word. Even if it were, it would be unnecessarily complex; "gestures" would have done fine.
Also it's weird that you're referring to the male as both "husband" and "father" as the narrator's reference point.
The beautiful, lush garden stood before him.
"A" would be better than "The" here because "the" is more specific than "a" and we're not at a point in the story where we know which specific garden is being referred to.
The father closed his eyes, silently wishing for his daughter's survival, and opened them.
I know that you mean he opened his eyes, but maybe an insertion of "then" after the and would make the sentence flow better.
Why aren't any of the things that "she said" or "he said" in quotation marks? I think that's one of the most jarring things about this story, for me. The dialog is already there, it's awkward that the punctuation isn't. "She explained that it was just the way things were." is fine. "She explained, it's just the way things are" is not - there should be quotations there.
I also can't help but wonder what the point of this retelling is - is it a retelling at all? What new idea does this tale bring to the tradition of Rapunzel stories? I don't see anything significantly different in this compared to the tales I heard as a child. What makes this story YOUR story as opposed to the one I could find in any anthology of fairy tales?
That's not to say that it's not solid storytelling - it is.
But even if this is just chapter one of YOUR tale... this is a whole chapter of things that I already know, just because I'm a member of the culture that I'm a part of. What you've told here is part of my cultural baggage - I already know it. Though I love the tale, what about it is supposed to pique my interest, to keep me reading?
i like the idea of modernizing a fairytale however-
if this is to be a children's story, big words must go!!!
"Her silent gestulations" and "but it was vicarious"
will get kids confused quickly!
also, who are the people? where are they? who's house is it? who is the woman? name your characters!
punctuate your dialogue!
also-
"What did I pick? He asked, prolong the moment before he'd give his child away"
has me completely confused and "prolong" i think should be "prolonging"
some other things are confusing, but i have to go for now!! keep working on it and i think it could be really good!
~Fainne
Because this is only one short chapter it's difficult to evaluate this but here's what i see.
It's clearly about deals with the devil made in desperation, which is a versatile theme. But only someone who has known this kind of desperation would understand and not, perhaps, judge the father too harshly.
Another point is that when you talk about climbing fences you might work in more detail about what fence is being climbed and what house it guards. A good way to do this would be to slow down the pace by describing in more detail the father's thoughts as he walks. What's really in his mind? Betrayal? Relief? Despair? Describe the land as he walks across it to give all this a better transition. I think you've got a good story here, and hope to see the rest of it. Hope this helps.