Hinna & Nyna (working title), Chapter 1: The Sun Rises
fantasy, twins, novel
Published on:
June 15, 9:13pmWord Count:
3287Work Description
A fantastic journey of sheltered twin sisters and their companions in a quest centering around a mysterious pendant. They must learn about themselves and the world around them in ways they never thought they would have to. (This book is intended for YA audiences and is currently halfway through its second draft.)
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Hinna Faerole let the water buoy her up, enjoying the feel of the newly risen summer sun caressing her skin. She had almost gone back to sleep this morning, but she was glad she had decided to get up and come to the river for a swim. Her father considered it almost barbaric—only the poorest of commoners used the river for a bath—but this was one of Hinna’s favorite spots. The Lifegiver, the river was called here, and she thought it was an appropriate name. Soaking in its waters left her feeling refreshed and vivacious, better able to face the challenges of the day ahead.
Dripping water as she climbed back onto the bank, Hinna sighed. Perhaps her cousin Maial coming to visit wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to her, but it was far from the best. _I’ll worry about that later_, she told herself as she settled down onto her cloak. The best way to end a bath such as this was to allow the sun to dry her, and Hinna planned on enjoying that to its fullest, closing her eyes and inhaling a lungful of the fresh morning air.
Hinna’s shriek would have pierced the morning air for miles if it had not died in her throat, leaving nothing but a squeak to pass her lips. Heart thudding, she scurried backward from the river’s edge, her hands scrambling for something with which to cover herself. Her scalp blazed where her hair had been used as a handle to pull her upright, but that pain faded when she saw who had done the pulling. She was the tallest woman Hinna had ever seen, with a mass of raven black hair and a cold, perfect beauty. Despite the warmth of the day, she was swathed in a heavy cloak that barely seemed to move in the wind. Hinna gaped and stuttered, but the woman simply stared, her eyes burning and cold, like two amethysts that could outshine the sun.
“Who are you?” Hinna demanded at last, forcing the words past the constriction in her throat.
“Is it my name you seek? Or my identity?” The stranger paused for a moment, looking down upon the supine girl. “Neither is yours to command. Don’t be a silly girl—get up and clothe yourself.”
“I’m not a silly girl,” Hinna retorted, getting to her feet and slipping into the sturdy brown dress she’d worn for her trip to the river. She’d only wanted a bath, not to be dragged upright by her hair by this chilling woman. “I am Lady Hinna Faerole, daughter of Duke Faerole, and you will address me as suits my station.” She was amazed that she was able to keep the wobbles out of her voice.
The woman’s lip curled slightly. “I have no times for such games. I know who you are, Hinna Faerole.” She made it sound like an epithet. “You’d be no use to me otherwise. While I was slumbering, believing myself to be safe in your father’s lands, I became the victim of thievery. A woman of your acquaintance, Maial Devorset, has in her possession my pendant, and I am most anxious to get it back.”
That statement rang false to Hinna—a mental image of this woman as a victim of anything refused to coalesce in Hinna’s mind, but her courage had fled. She nodded and voiced no doubts, keeping her eyes down from that face of forbidding beauty. Hinna’s cousin Maial wasn’t the most likable of people, and she did have a hunger for jewels that was never sated, so perhaps it wasn’t unthinkable that she would contrive to own a pendant she fancied, even if it meant stealing. Even as she thought it, Hinna knew that to be an equivocation, but she had no choice at the moment other than to humor this woman. Her scalp still ached from its mishandling, and Hinna doubted that was the worst this stranger could do.
“So you would like to me to



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Hey Nora,
I'm going to dive right in with some questions and observations that I had, and then give some more specific thoughts at the end.
I had a question about the following sentence.
Does this mean that the river is known something something different in the next town, or do different nations have different names for it? I thought it was an interesting little world building detail.
Maybe you should have a sentence in the first paragraph about how floating in the river makes her forget her troubles, such as the impending visit of the cousin.
Mentioning that Maial is Hinna's cousin again in the following sentence is a bit unnecessary. You've already told us that.
I don't know if "relaxation" is the best word selection in this selection, either.
"Peace" or "comfort" might be a better adjective.
In the next phrase, I had to look up what "chivy" means.
It sound's neat, but its a pretty obscure word. If I, an adult, had to look it up, do you think your intended audience would get it right off the bat? I'm not saying don't use ornate language. Just be sure it is within the ability of your audience to understand. Communicate with me, don't cow me.
It might be cool for the viewpoint character to have a quick little flashback about what happened. Nothing big, just a sentence about how the gouty old man mistook the broom for a lady in waiting, or something. It would create a bit of a stronger mental image that would make the reader invest in the story more.
As an aside, I was wondering if you had some protocols for naming your characters. The men seem to have names that end in "an" and women seem to have names that end in "na." An obvious exceptions is are Maial and Callie, but those have a similar sonic structure. But I was just wondering -- is there a strict protocol for how the nobility of your world are named? It's just a world building question that I had, that's all.
Something else I noticed, too. Nyna seems to be eating a lot. Carrots, apples... earlier she talks about how they won't eat for hours because of Maial's arrival, and she also sleeps later than her sister. Is she going through a major growth spurt? If so, does that have any affect on the story later on?
OK, now for some more general comments.
I thought the set up was a bit abrupt. I can understand the desire for a bit of dramatics, but it felt like I hadn't really gotten a chance to know Hinna. All I knew about her was she liked to bathe in the river. I would have felt more invested in the quest if I had gotten to know her a bit better before the mysterious lady appeared.
Good job showing the "everyday" nature of the life in the nobles' house. It was nice seeing them prepare for company.
I'm interested in seeing what kind of twist you put in down the line. Keep posting, I'll keep reading!