Hinna & Nyna (working title), Chapter 2: The Archesters
fantasy, twins, pendant
Published on:
June 15, 9:50pmWord Count:
2587Work Description
A fantastic journey of sheltered twin sisters and their companions in a quest centering around a mysterious pendant. They must learn about themselves and the world around them in ways they never thought they would have to. (This book is intended for YA audiences and is currently halfway through its second draft.)
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The three young women waited for the other two guests to appear over the hilltop; after several moments, however, it became apparent that they were waiting in vain. Maial turned to Hinna and frowned. “They’re talking to your father,” she explained. “Perhaps it’s best to go join them up there. Oh, but I had so hoped to have your first meeting be in this _beautiful_ garden.”
Nyna turned a snort of laughter into a cough. Could Maial be any more obvious about her matchmaking—or the fact that she preferred Hinna to Nyna? This wasn’t surprising, Nyna supposed, considering she was often working to disguise disgust and anger, while Hinna could keep her cool and be polite, sometimes even downright kind. Still, it was rather amusing to see how Maial reacted to Nyna’s cloaked hostility: first with overfriendliness and then ignorance.
“I’ve got to…freshen up!” Nyna invented, faking a wide smile to her cousin. “I’ll catch up in a moment!”
It was an obvious ruse, but Maial didn’t seem to notice. It was, after all, the type of thing that she herself would have done. Nyna, however, had no such intentions. She ducked away to sit in her garden patch. After weeks of arguing with her father—always so anxious that she would discredit herself as a lady—she had convinced him that gardening, although dirty, was ladylike and noble. So he permitted her this small plot of land that was now a riot of flowers and beautiful colors. Breathing in the smell of fresh dirt and flowers calmed her, although it also reminded her she had much work to do on the little patch, and that Maial’s presence was hindering her progress as a gardener. Thinking of Maial made her feel guilty; she shouldn’t make Hinna have to bear that alone. With a heavy sigh, she picked a dainty blue flower and tucked it in her hair before turning her feet back to Maial and all that went with her.
***
“Torren!” Maial greeted her friend with an ebullient hug. “How _are_ you?”
“Fine, Maial, fine,” Torren replied, but she had already moved on to her next guest.
“Garaven, you are looking _wonderful_!” she spouted, giggling and planting a kiss on the air a couple inches from his face. “I would like you both to meet my cousin, Hinna Faerole. Hinna, this is Torren Archester and Garaven Archester.”
Hinna smiled at the two gentlemen, schooling her face to not show any shock. The two were related—predictably—but that was where the similarity ended with them and Maial’s usual guests. They were both tall and trim with curly black hair and dashing green eyes. Torren had shown even, white teeth when he smiled, and Hinna had noticed that Garaven had a dimple in his left cheek.
“Pleasure to meet you both,” she murmured, extending her hand to Garaven and then Torren. Both of their handshakes were firm and pleasant, making Hinna smile almost coquettishly at them. _Just so Maial is pleased enough to talk about the pendant_, she told herself.
Maial led them inside the house as if she lived there herself, motioning to some chairs around the table with an airy gesture. There was a basket of fruit placed on the table as a decorative centerpiece, arranged by one of the maids. Torren, however, seemed to be unaware of its purpose; he reached over and picked up a ripe blessfruit, biting into it with pleasure. Hinna wanted to laugh, but instead she smiled and selected another blessfruit for herself to put the guests at ease. If Torren had chosen to eat the basket itself, she could have done no less than take
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I'm not sure if you are putting me on by putting chapters of an already published work on here to see how silly the critique looks, but here goes either way.
The characters feel as well developed as they should be, the drama and pacing also seems appropriate. I may have missed Maial's age but she feels much older - there's no rebelliousness in her, and no contempt either. If beauty is of such importance to her, I would expect contempt from her upon seeing the "ladies" in civilian attire. If Maial was trying to make a good impression with either the two men she brought or her cousins, she would likely be very frustrated with circumstances that muddied that plan at all. As such, the meeting in the garden comment by Maial didn't seem severe enough a reaction to having travelled with two companions and arranged for such a meeting.
The chemistry setup for the brothers seems flatter than it could be- but without knowing the plot that may be appropriate. It's hard to critique for that. They seem like they have potential and they mirror the girls, or at least they seem to, but they are non-characters at this point for the most part.
The gestalt that is dad seems a bit aloof and self centered. Is this by design?
The feast seems like a characterization opportunity wasted. The girls could banter, discomfort could be had, dad could properly be introduced, Maial's obliviousness could be humorous, Hinna could properly obsess etc.
Is there a Mom figure? Can't really tell.
The plot moved along at such a quick pace (not uncomfortably quick mind you) that you lose some richness in the world. A bit more descriptions of setting / outfit / weather / interiors would be nice, but too much would take away from the carefree feel of the piece. It is a delicate balance and if left as is, the piece would still be great, but a bit more description would make the world a bit richer.
I do love the piece. I'm conflicted about this, being a 30 something male, but I'll be ok. This book will be a guilty pleasure of mine I'm afraid. Keep it up!
I liked it. =)
Okay, so Nyna goes to sit in her garden patch, which is cool, because it shows us something that’s important to her. But then you say that she leaves to rejoin Hinna, so in the following scene where Hinna is meeting the guys I assumed that Nyna had returned already. Maybe you should have Hinna wondering what was taking Nyna so long or something? Or maybe thinking “There she goes with that garden patch again”?
I really like this. It helps make Maial seem even more overly social-butterfly. =P
I was expecting Torren and Garaven to be either really ugly or like, blindingly handsome, so I’m glad they were neither.
I liked the part where Torren ate the decorations too. And when Hinna eats it too to put him at ease, it’s very good characterization of her as polite. It’s much more effective than simply telling us that she’s polite, which you did at the beginning of the chapter. I think that part could be taken out. On the same note, you don’t have to keep mentioning in the narrative that Nyna has bad manners—you can figure that out from her actions. =)
You have some really good descriptive language. My favorite was:
It creates a very vivid mental image.
“Tinge” does work here, but “twinge” seems more fitting to me.
I am confused. I thought they were sitting, in which case they could just look at Maial.
By now, we’ve figured out that Nyna is eager to get rid of Maial. It doesn’t need repeating. =)
And I somehow expected Maial to eat like a pig. It just seems like her, and it goes with her being short and squat. Not exactly important to the plot, though.
“Jounce?” What a cool word! I’m just not sure if it’s appropriate enough; it may be too obscure.
There are so many ways you could go with this story; I’m wondering what the connection is with Maial’s mother giving her the necklace, and I hope that Maial is not as terrible as she seems. Also I’m looking forward to learning more about the guys. Keep writing! =D