Lana Goes to Space, Chapter 1: Impulsive Beginnings
space opera, science fiction
Published on:
February 14, 1:53amWord Count:
1550Work Description
Lana Carthwick, the spoiled daughter of one Earth's wealthiest family, wants to join the Navy, not knowing what this will have in store for her.
Chapter Description
Lana shows an initial desire to join the Navy against her mother's wishes.
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“Fun, don't you think, Ma?”
“What now, Lana?” her mother replied wearily, not even glancing over at her daughter.
Lana stamped her foot and tossed her long sheet of blonde hair over her shoulder. For a moment she contemplated not replying, but she decided that in this case pouting silence would do no good. With a sigh she dropped onto a big leather chair, satisfied to see her mother wince at the idea of damage to such an expensive piece of furniture.
“I said that I think it would be fun to be in the Navy,” she repeated, employing one of her more potent whining voices.
That got Marna Carthwick's attention. She dropped the reader she had been perusing the news on and glared at Lana, who was pushing out her lower lip ever so slightly. She didn't know how her daughter could fill those blue eyes with tears at the drop of a hat, but Lana was doing it now, to full effect.
“What around this sun would make you ever want to join the Navy?”
“I already said. I think it would be fun.” Lana crossed her arms and stared back at her mother, this time playing down her sadness and going for a hint of anger at her mother's obtuseness.
“Lana dearest, you do know they want better reasons for that down at the base. I doubt a recruiter will let you halfway through the door. Besides, you're nearly finished with University. You should think about getting a job; I'm sure your father would love if you expressed interest in joining the business.”
Wrinkling her nose, Lana ran a nail along the arm of the chair, enjoying her mother's anxious glance. “Like they'd turn away a Carthwick. I could say I wanted to join the Navy to start a rebellion against the Ascendant Potentate and they'd show me where to put my print. And you know I'd rather cut off an arm than go into the shipping business.”
Marna sighed and picked up the reader again. She knew better than to try to control Lana when her daughter was in one of these moods. Lana drummed her fingers on the leather for a moment before giving an impatient sigh and leaving. Once she was gone, Marna gave the precious chair a careful inspection, but Lana had had better sense than to truly damage it. Relieved, she settled down. Hopefully by tomorrow Lana would have a new lark to pursue, one more in line with the Carthwick family.
***
A few other people were sitting in the small waiting room, most of them fidgeting and trying to avoid catching anyone else's eye, and when they did a small nervous smile was shared before returning to their solitude. Lana noticed this and so, as much as she wanted to keep adjusting the hat that her hair was piled under, she kept her hands at her sides.
“Kayla Issenberg?”
“Yes, that's me,” Lana said, jumping to her feet and going to stand next to the short petty that was working the reception.
“Can I have your print here, please?” he asked, bored.
Lana leaned in as close as she could, keeping her voice low but painfully aware of how loud it was in the otherwise silent room. “Can I please go see the recruiter first?”
“Print first. Otherwise how do I know you are who you say you are?” The petty looked triumphant at pulling out this piece of logic, and Lana had to restrain herself from rolling her eyes.
“Look, Petty Door,” she said, “this is important. Let the recruiter sort it out, okay?”
He looked unimpressed by her best regal tone but waved her through the door that was irising open. Chin
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Let me tell you this much - I'm interested and definitely want more. But I do agree with what Russell Nakamura had to say about the tone of the story. Right now it does feel aimed at a younger teen crowd, which isn't necessarily bad. Also, I do not feel like Lana wants to do anything but create a stir and this approach has been used before, especially in teen literature. Sci fi wise, I liked the little hints at the advanced technology (the reader, "printing" and of course the spaceduty). I think its more effective than being IN YOUR FACE that this is a sci fi story. Just be careful that you don't become so subtle that the audience wonders what everything is and what it does. Your characters will know what the things are because those things are normal things to them - but the audience does not.
Character wise, my favorite character is the Lieutenant. He's just what I'd want an officer to be like, even in the presence of someone like Lana. It seemed a little too easy for her to get in though - I kind of wanted her to struggle for it. However, this could prove that its easy to get in the Navy, just difficult to stay in/ get out - if that is what you are going for. Write more!
her mother replied wearily,
Here is where you tell us that her mother replied wearily. Can you show us? Is there something about her body language that says she was weary? I'd like to see you show us, instead of telling us, because, particularily at this point, we don't have any reason to believe that she's weary. We don't know her yet.
That got Marna Carthwick's attention.
This line is like an exclaimation point and I think tha it deserves a line all it's own.
She dropped the reader she had been perusing the news on
This line read a little weird for me. What's a reader and who says perusing the news? Sometimes, simplicity is best.
about getting a job; I'm sure your father
I feel a period would word better than a semi-colon here.
Marna gave the precious chair a careful inspection,
Until here, I had the sense that you were choosing a third person limited POV, through Lana's eyes, but suddenly you've jumped. As a rule, jumping POV's is usually done at a chapter break because it's a bit confusing for the reader. Case in point, I had to figure out who's view point we were seeing in the next paragraph.
A few other people were sitting in the small waiting room, most of them fidgeting and trying to avoid catching anyone else's eye, and when they did a small nervous smile was shared before returning to their solitude.
This is a run-on sentence that reads a bit difficult. Are all these details necessary? Can they be broken down into something shorter and more concise?
he asked, bored.
Again, what did he do to indicate that he was bored. Here you've gone with Lana's viewpoint and you can take liberties with that to show us what he's doing to make her think he feels this way.
Otherwise how do I know
"Otherwise(coma) how do I know..."
the door that was irising open.
I didn't get this description or the use of "irising". I'm assuming that it's a futuristic reference, but it hasn't been explained to the common folk, so it doesn't make any sense to us.
with piercing blue eyes.
I like your description thus far, but this is a bit of a cliche. Can you find something more unique that will stick out in a readers mind?
distinctive blonde hair
What made her blonde hair distinctive. Thousands have blond hair, so you need to tell us why it's distinctive.
would be no servants to dance attendance on her
This word choice read strange to me. How do servants dance attendance?
This is an interesting start to a story. You know your character but now I would like you to introduce us to her a bit more. Small details can help that: facial ticks, body language, a particular piece of jewelry. Something concrete that would stick her in our minds.
Since you are taking us to the future, I'd also like to "see" the environment a bit. Does Earth look the same? Are there still trees? Paint a picture for us to believe where she's living, and when.
I think you've got plot down and know where this is going.
Overall, good start to, what could prove to be an interesting story. Thanks.
Amber
As a general rule, I'm a fan of military sci-fi, both in the young adult genre and the adult genre, having been a big fan of Robert Heinlein for most of my life. As such, I'm disposed to like your story. That said, onto reading!
“Look, Petty Door,” she said, “this is important. Let the recruiter sort it out, okay?”
What kind of petty officer is intimidated by a snooty 20-something girl? I found it unbelievable that he let her through just on that little bit of say so, no argument, with no sense that he was frustrated and willing to let a supervisor deal with her crap.
when they're not bullying the poor petty on duty.”
"Hey, why don't you let the recruiter deal with me," isn't bullying. Bullying entails threats, posturing, possibly a raised voice. Any superior officer worth his salt wouldn't pity the petty officer, he'd give that officer some sharp words about dereliction.
I want to be like any other officer.
Any other officer shuts up and does what their told, and goes where the Navy tells them to go -- they don't whine about how they want to go into space, and that's all they'll accept doing. While I can believe her being snooty enough to say it, I can't believe an officer not slapping her down for trying to dictate their own orders.
Unless, of course, they're so hard-up for people that they're willing to "enlist" people under false pretenses. But that's not the impression that Lana's mother gave.
I'll let them know not to go public with it
I can't believe that she's trusting petty officers and recruiting officers with her identity, and assuming blithely that the information won't become scuttlebutt in under an hour.
I particularly enjoyed the beginning, where you gave us a lot of information about Lana -- how good she is at manipulating people, toeing the line, controlling herself -- very subtly. The same is true for how you handled her mother, who is shown as slightly neurotic, dismissive, materialistic and domestic, all in the very first, short scene -- where the primary focus was intended to be the dialog!
She wasn't dumb, after all;
You've told me that, but I'm not convinced; I haven't been shown.
Rather the opposite, in fact --
She didn't want to be discriminated against just because her family was one of the wealthiest in all of human settlement.
That's not why she's being "discriminated against." -- if you have a college degree, you qualify for commission. She still sounds like a snooty brat. I'm not at all sympathetic towards her; which may have been your intention, but I thought you should know.
"had had" -- though technically grammatically correct, repetitiveness of this nature is something to avoid if at all possible, as it reads awkwardly. Even 'd had is better.
There are a couple of things that I noticed as I read, which I feel I should point out.
Adverbs -- avoid "-ly" words where possible - it's almost always better to give some sort of demonstration of how someone is acting/feeling/etc, as opposed to using an adverb to describe it. "He said, wryly" is, for example, not as good as, "He said, one corner of his mouth quirked into a wry grin." -- the latter is more vibrant and paints a more emotive picture.
more in line with the Carthwick family.
the Carthwick family what? "persona" "heritage" "party line" ?
the short petty that was
I'm sure that you're referring to a petty officer here, but then, I have friends in the navy. You might be trying to shorten phrases to sound more in line with slang, but I recommend using the full title for a first usage, so unfamiliar readers know what you're talking about.
A good start to what certainly has the potential to be a good story, but I can't help but feel that the way that the military here is being portrayed isn't quite realistic.
Thanks so much for all the critiques, they have all been really helpful! Unfortunately I have lost the enthusiasm for this story at the moment, just feeling a little overwhelmed with how I am going to manage to accomplish everything I have in mind for Lana in one book, and certainly not up to writing more than one book. I'm going to work on some of my other projects and hopefully come back to this one!
Hi Nora,
I've got a few ideas that I hope will help your story. But first, I'd like to ask a few questions-- don't worry, you don't need to reply, but simply chew on them as you continue writing. (And keep in mind I don't have any idea what happens in the remaining plot)
First, who is your target audience? What's the demographic of the type of person who'll be reading this work? If you have an age range, try to pick a specific one. (Ages 12-17, 18-25, 26-35, 35 or older, etc.) The reason I ask is because while I know Lana is a college graduate, the narrative doesn't feel like it's for the 22+ age range.
Consider a movie like "Step Up 2" which is about hip-hop dancers in the age range of about 18-25ish (not sure... I haven't seen the movie... no really.) Is "Step Up 2" intended for people between 18-25? Well, not really. Sure, some 18-25 year olds will see it, but when the studio released it, it was probably banking on roping in hordes of teens between ages 12-17 (hence the PG-13 rating). Fiction is the same. If you pick up a copy of "Goosebumps" or anything written by Lois Duncan, the characters are between 16-19, but you'll realize the target market is for young adults between 12-17ish. "Sweet Valley High" books are probably for 13 and younger. But Mary Higgins Clark stuff is probably for 17 or older.
Second, what is your vision for this novel? That's a much more loaded question. But in a sense, what do you expect it to accomplish? Do you want it to be an inspirational book for young women? Do you want it to be a bestseller with high commercial appeal (even a movie eventually)? Or do you want it to be taught in schools for its literary merit? Something that critics chew up and maybe nominate for the Pulitzer? Even if you haven't considered any of these, and were just intending to write a little story to express a feeling in your heart... well, it can't hurt to start considering one. You may wonder, but what are the chances of attaining any of those visions? Don't worry about that. Vision is just to give you focus.
That's what I feel this work needs-- a bit more focus. It's evident you've had some experience with creative writing before. I can sense you've got a "movie-in-your-head" that plays with this opening chapter. (I've got a few nit-picky technical rules/comments to bring up later.) But mostly, I didn't quite understand what this story was eventually going to culminate to. I didn't know if it was supposed to be funny, action-packed, serio-comic, or heavily dramatic. And most importantly, I didn't particularly sympathize with Lana. You may be intentionally trying to set her up as an ornery young firecracker who fights hard against her pre-set destiny but learns some humility in the end... but so far, I just got the sense that she's just a rebellious and cantankerous girl full of pride. Well, if I were Joe Reader who didn't know or trust you (Nora, the author) to deliver the goods later, I might choose not to continue reading!
From the very base thematic elements of this story, I would ask: Who is this character? What does she represent? What ordeal is she going to tackle? Is it just pursuing becoming an astronaut? Or is it about her own internal struggle with herself, her parents, her upbringing, etc? Then, ask yourself, how can I (the author) present this in a fresh, exciting way that Joe Reader hasn't seen done before? That's where you get into style, innovative plot devices, unique narrative voice, etc. I must stress that these elements should be addressed in some way or form, because... well... every story anywhere has already been told!
Okay, on to some more tangible stuff:
I liked this line. Gives a good insight as to who Lana is, and who her mother is, without having to explain any further.
This paragraph switches perspective from Lana (3PL) to Marna (3PL). Generally, that's an illegal move. Within one scene, perspective can't shift from one person to the next unless the narrator is using omniscient perspective (generally not a good idea, in my opinion). 3PL (3rd person limited) is a camera behind the main character's eyeballs. That means Lana can't truly know what Marna is thinking. But she can think she knows what Marna is thinking.
Again, this switches back to Lana's POV. Another illegal move.
This is a little too techy. I'd rather capture an emotion instead. What's Lana feeling?
Making reference to "business" is a bit confusing. If this were a screenplay, it'd be fine. You don't mention "shipping business" until later, and at this point we don't even know that they're like mega old-money rich.
Don't know what this is.
POV shift back to Marna.
This is nearly a POV shift (from Marna back to Lana).
This makes "they" the main character. Probably not a good idea.
Passive voice. Look for all examples of PV and make active, if possible!
This is a long, lumbering phrase that describes too much. Describing an emotion or sensation might be better.
I just felt the sentences are too long... because its harder to capture a visual image in my head (as a reader). Also I kind of know what a "petty" is, but I can't picture him.
Adverbs or any descriptors on dialogue ("he said sadly," "he replied happily," etc.) are usually frowned upon. Most professional authors don't use adverbs because "the words of dialogue should in themselves portray the tone." (Well J.K. Rowling does it, but she can do whatever she wants!)
It's pretty obvious this is a plot device.
Was this an insult? I don't know what she's trying to say.
Word choices I didn't really get or love...
This is a bit too on-the-nose. We already know she's feeling this. No need to state it.
Why? What is it about him she liked?
Passive voice
Isn't he sitting down?
This feels a little cluttered. Maybe put a "he said," between "Sure I can" and "Why do you think..."
Extraneous
Feels a bit too explainy
This is a pivotal part of the plot thus far. Needs more suggestion, intonation, or something to build tension.
Again, a little too much explanation.
It makes Lana seem like she's 12, not 22.
Try to show this instead of telling us this piece of information.
Not sure what this is saying. Might work on screen, but confusing in print.
This is a major scene change. Feels abrupt.
A little explainy.
I didn't get the sense they were that rich. If they are, it should be established in the first scene. An antique chair doesn't really cut it. If they were obscenely rich, I want to see butlers, maids, Faberge eggs and H2s with 22-inch chromed-out wheels and DVD players.
Specifics would be nice. Which school(s)?
That's probably more than you wanted to chew on. I hope this doesn't discourage you. And remember, don't take my word for it, either. You're the author, so you're the boss and you decide what happens. If you believe in the core or theme of your story, stick with it. Just keep in mind there are many ways to tell that core story effectively so that it reaches the most readers it possibly can!
Good luck!