Of and On Ned Moon pt 2
pulp, science fiction, action, humor, fiction, fantasy, short story
Published on:
April 29, 12:20amWord Count:
2602Last Edited:
May 1, 2:47amWork Description
Ned gets his bearings, the insideous captain Fig asserts his authority and we find out that military service can be taken to ones advantage.
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4. Strangers in a strange sea
in which the hated British get their bearings
Captain Ezekiel Fig stood proudly on the bridge of the H.M.S. Mongoose and surveyed the unfamiliar seas with a look of contempt. He stood straight and tall, as befitted an officer of the royal navy, and braced himself for a wind that did not arrive. Inside broiled a fury that would have eclipsed the sun, had he let it show. Instead he stood still and expressionless, his anger wasted. His first-mate approached silently and stood at attention. The captain did not wish to acknowledge him. Captain Fig not want another report on how the sea was fresh and not salt. He did not want another report on the lack of any stable propulsion or the strange stillness of the waters. He did not want to hear how there were no discernable astronomical phenomena to guide them....well save ONE, but it was a matter of such ridiculousness that he refused to have it uttered again in his presence. The captain turned and saluted his mate with the rigidity of a well oiled machine. His salute was returned.
"Your report Mr. Adams." ordered Captain Fig.
"Sir! Repairs are nearly complete to the sails, hull and rigging, the men are requesting permission to rest."
"I'll give permission to rest when the repairs are complete Mr. Adams and no sooner." replied the captain.
"Very good sir. The crew report another of the strange phenomena to be reported as per your request sir!"
"I didn't 'request' anything of the kind Mr. Adams, I ordered it. And on this ship my orders are law, is that understood?"
"Sir! Of course sir!" Replied Mr. Adams at once stiffening his posture and standing even straighter.
The captain admired his resolve for a moment, he was evidently as tired as the rest of the crew, and probably as unnerved, yet his proper English blood was enough to keep him from showing it, even now. The captain made a mental note to put in Mr. Adams for a promotion when they returned to england...provided circumstances remained favorable with the officer. The captain realized he was glaring at Mr. Adams and so barked out a response.
"What was the phenomena then?"
"Sir! The ships supply of rum has mysteriously evaporated sir!"
"Thats hardly mysterious Mr. Adams, I am sure the crew, no doubt do to a lack of proper discipline in a time of crisis...your fault I am sad to say...have simply taken to the rum as a medication. Have them whipped."
"Sir!" Spoke up the mate. The captain raised an eyebrow, feeling surprised that the officer would deem it wise to argue, the matter so far settled.
"Yes, Mr. Adams?"
"Sir! I would offer explanation that this could not be the case. I personally locked the casks away myself sir, just as soon as the crisis began. The lock has not been tampered with and furthermore I took certain precautions to make any entry into the chamber noticeable...no one had been in the chamber since I ordered the lock opened for the daily ration sir. Of this I can offer my word as a gentleman. Furthermore the crews private supplies were similarly affected as well."
"Of the private supplies there can be no doubt Mr. Adams," Sneered the captain, "But as to this other matter...dry then? These casks-"
"No sir! Not dry, filled with spring water of a charged taste sir. It was I who deemed this a phenomena worthy of report sir."
A lesser man would have sighed at the news, so heavy was the captains heart. Captain Fig did no such thing.
"Very well Mr. Adams. I accept your report, but let it be known that if I smell rum on the breath of any man until this matter is resolved, it will be your neck that swings from the rope first...am I clear?"
"Sir! Quite clear sir!" Responded Mr. Adams.
"Good...complete the repairs and load the cannon. I want a gunnery crew ready at all times, day or night. I don't know what strange seas we be blown to, but at the first sight of a hostile vessel I want to be ready to mount an offensive. We live in dangerous times Mr. Adams. dangerous and uncertain times."
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I do thank you my honorable friend,
as to the continuing problems with the chapter headings and sub headings: In the original document the chapter headings are bold and set at a larger and more exotic font (a trifle embelishing perhaps...but alas, guilty as charged,) whereas the sub headings are smaller and in italics. This creates an effect that I find rather agreeable to the eye...but is unfortunatly translated poorly here.
As to the large run on sentence...I sigh every time I read it...Obviously the thing to do is to chop it into smaller sentences...but I feel bad about the esteemed and evil captain Figg losing his mental rant (with the more structured sentences making it seem more like he is being calm and collected...wheares the multiple commas make it seem all in one breath..) I am in no way disagreeing with your assessment...Im just hesitant to make the necisarry change..."Is there not I better way?" I ask myself..
alas...
Honestly, I can say that I'm really enjoying this story so far. I'm reminded of Edgar Rice Burroughs in some ways and that's good as he is one of my favorites. I have only a few concerns regarding POV primarily. While I enjoy the vividness of the sections in 1st person, the 3rd person sections don't seem to fit with the style established in 1st person. My suggestion would be to use an epistolary novel form, making the sections not dealing directly with Ned Moon read as if they were penned by the primary characters described in those sections. I think it might help unify the work and also to strengthen the characters themselves. I realize that would require a heavy amount of rewriting, but I think this work is very good and is worth the effort.
Hello, again, P F White! This time, unlike your first part of "Of and On Ned Moon", I did not find as much errors in this part two, so my reply to that is simply "Good job". Ok, now for the real review: I did find a couple of mistakes hidden deep within your work. For one the title, you write it like:
If you label a part (one, two, three, four, five, six and so on...) with a kind of title to it, you must capitalize it, because it is the headings that describes the chapter or that part of that short story. What I am trying to say to you is, you should write your heading a little like 4. Strangers In A Strange Sea, In Which The Hated British Get Their Bearings rather than make your title lowercased. And for the record, that goes for every other parts that exist in your story.
In this blockquoted sentence up above, you kind of switch from two different kinds of tenses: Past tense, to present tense. You may want to remember that when telling your story, you have to keep in mind that you have to keep your point of views consistent at all times. If you make your story thick with parts that occasionally swap from past tense to present tense, then that will actually confuse readers as to what is going on. Keep your story as clear as possible by using this method to your advantage. With all of that being said, you must write your sentence like He stood straight and tall, as befitted as any officer of the royal navy, and braced himself for a wind that did not arrive.
For this blockquoted sentence, it kind of irks me because it actually has the words first and mate hyphenated. You need to watch out for things like this whenever writing, because not all words have to be hyphenated. Real words that are hyphenated for example are black-hearted, short-tempered, and hard-headed. With all of that being stated, you should write you sentence a little like His first mate approached him and stood at attention.
This blockquoted sentence has many run-on sentences in it and you should change them. This is yet another tip that you have to look for. Try to make your sentences as short as possible. If you make your sentences long and very run on without the use of any periods, then that will tire your reader and may withdraw his or her attention to the story. There are two ways to try to avert this problem. One way to avert this problem is to read your work out aloud to someone or to yourself in order to find any sentences that go on and on and on and on. With all of that being said, you should write your paragraph a little like this to make it a little less run-on, The captain did not wish to acknowledge him. He, in fact, did not want another report on how the sea was fresh and not salty. He did not want another report on the lack of any stable propulsion or the strange stillness of the waters. He did not want to hear how there were no discernable astronomical phenomena to guide them... wel save ONE. But it was a matter of such ridiculousness that he refused to have it uttered again in his presence.
This sentence is actually very telling. Also in your story, you should remember the 'show, do not tell' rule. his rule describes that you make the characters show the action rather than killing the imagination by telling the action for instance. In a sentence that tells of the action, the sentence would be a little written like Edward was very nervous. See how this example kills the action rather than the reader seeing the action for themselves. In a sentence that shows of the action, the sentence, in comparison to the one that told, would be a little bit written like Edward felt his palms shake very violently and his spine chill relentlessly. Ok, with all of that being said, you should write your sentence (That one that was blockquoted, in case if you lost track of what I was actually saying to you) a little like I felt a nauseating feeling within the depths of my stomach, and then with a mental shrug of the shoulders, I took the obvious course of action to any Moon and dealt with it.
Remember the parenthesis rule that I had given you not too long ago? You should take the (my?) thing out of your sentence, in order to make things make more sense in your sentence. Also, when placing a word after your quotation marks,you should never have to capitalize that specific word. That way, I can be written a little someting like "So, you are an Earth man?" asked the lovely former captain when we were comfortably situated in her quarters. Also, for any "She saids" or "He saids" you any "said (Or any other talking actions in a story for that matter, such as yelled, bellowed, snapped, laughed, chuckled, whispered, gasped, or whimpered for other helpful examples) you should just make them lower cased as soon as you get the chance to edit this story again. However, when you sad "I said" like always, you should keep the word "I" always capitalized.
As far as what went on in the First two pages of this work, here is what I have for now. This work is great, but can be even greater if it were edited.