Haha. Very, very interesting.

It was quick of you to come up with that, though alot of it was unexplained and the whole Tootise Roll bit didn't really make much sense or was really explained for that matter but I found this rather amusing.

The BenGay seemed to numb his mouth, allowing him to focus on his work.

Something about that sounds almost dirty, I don't know if that was the point or not but it made it aliitle awkward and slightly more amusing. Any thing you put in your mouth called BenGay is going to sound awkward.

It was a cute little clever story, though I would much like to see a long piece from you and maybe a serious one so I could get a better sense of your writing style. Anyway, good work.

Good luck with your writing.

~Michelle Erin.

 ha! this is a hoot, ashley--you did a great job of making two apparently exclusive elements seem like they belong together. and quirky as hell! man, i love quirky stories.

John brushed his teeth briskly.  He loved the taste of BenGay and swore up and down it worked better than regular toothpaste. (As?)  A conceptual designer for Cafe Risque, he often had a bad taste in his mouth.  The BenGay seemed to numb his mouth, allowing him to focus on his work.

i'm guessing a conceptual designer helps the performers put their acts together? set, design, that sort of thing? john and his ben gay are weird together, and i love that he leans on the ointment as if it's a crutch. i also like the psychosomatic effect of his distaste for his work manifesting in his mouth...freud might have something to add to that. you do repeat the word "mouth" often throughout the piece; not sure if it's intentional, but the effect is to keep the reader focused on his philia for ben gay...so odd.

Today he would have to work wtih the Tranny Trio.  He brushed harder.  Those three could be hell to work with.  Seeing his gums beginning to bleed, he stopped and rinsed his mouth.  He carefully packed his BenGay and toothbrush, knowing full well he would need it again before lunch.  He stepped out of the bathroom and came face to face with Toostie Roll, her face unshaven.  Silently, he stepped aside for her.

my favorite line in this whole piece? " . . . Tootsie Roll, her face unshaven." so much awesome in there. we learn a bit more about john's obsession with ben gay, his daily planning for opportunities to escape from his sordid life, if only for a few minutes at a time. i'd suggest finding another way to convey john's feelings about tootsie other than "silently"...this word conveys a certain ambivalence, for sure. but there's so much ripe for working in this short piece! you could give us another multilayered glimpse into john's life by his interactions with the performers.

Seated at a table, he spread out the different conceptual designs for the Trio to see.  In his opinion, they always picked the ugliest and always wanted him to make it uglier.  Before long, the Trio were seated and sure enough, they went for the ugliest design and demanded changes.

He shut himself in the bathroom, and was briskly brushing his teeth with BenGay.  Somehow, BenGay worked to soothe his frayed nerves.  He would have to go back out there, but not for a few more stolen moments with his BenGay.

aw, poor john. i'd love more details about the designs, what the trio chose, and why john would offer them ugly options in the first place. passive aggressive, perhaps? just catering to their tastes, but hating them for it? i think the underlined sentence about frayed nerves is unnecessary. we understand john's using the ben gay to comfort himself (weirdo), but we don't understand how? how does this tingly, eucalyptus-reeking, greasy ointment make him feel? just numb? that's difficult for me to picture, because that stuff is so strong--odor, sensation, feel...blecch. and how's the constant ingestion affecting him? 

 i know this story started as an assignment but you've created a story full of odd, and i bet there's more you could do with this. thanks for the chuckles, ashley--!

 This had the making of a very ununusal and humorous story.  I wasn't quite sure why bengay would be used as a toothpaste. To me that would be very unnatural and unreal.  The concept of bengay being used a somekind of numbing solution in the mouth could perhaps make a little sense, but it would burn your mouth.  Maybe bengay could have been used as a cologne to ward off those he didn't want to be close too.

It took a great imagination to come up with bengay being used as a toothpaste but like I said, that would not have been believable but definitely stretches the imagination.

Ruth El

This really cracked me up. I could just imagine this guy staring into the mirror scrubbing his teeth with BenGay. And the Tranny Trio! This some excellent alliteration, though I was a bit confused as to what kind of "work" the main character did with or for them. I must say, my initial thoughts were less than angelic.

Reminds me of my old kid-sitter, Kelly, who had this story about her mom's prom night.  I guess she was looking in the mirror, and thinking how damn yellow her teeth were, and wondering what to do about it, when she thought up a brilliant idea:  The toilet was yellow before I cleaned it  yesterday, I'll brush my teeth with the lye!  It worked...for about 5 minutes.  Then her teeth began to rot out of her head and she had to go to the emergency room.  By the next day, she was a toothless hag.  My old kid-sitter had a lot of morbid stories that she thought were funny and I thought were hilareous.

hahaha, nice.

 He loved the taste of BenGay and swore up and down it worked better than regular toothpaste.  As a conceptual designer for Cafe Risque, he often had a bad taste in his mouth. 

I'm going to agree with Laurie here. You can't swear to something in degrees, and so I would take that "up and down" part out. Without it, the sentence has a better flow. Those words added uneeded clunk.

Today he would have to work with the Tranny Trio.

Changed "wtih" to "with".

Although the use of nicknames for co-workers could work well, they need to be explained to work. Here, for instance:

He stepped out of the bathroom and came face to face with Toostie Roll, her face unshaven.  Silently, he stepped aside for her.

Who is Tootsie Roll? I want to get some fat co-worker. However, there is no explanation for her or her name. I think she should just be cut from the story altogether. She provides nothing new, and does not move the story forward. She, ironically, just gets in the way.

I think this was a good piece for what the assignment was. I don't know how I would have combined those two things into one working story, so I give you props for that. Good work, but still some to go for this one.

This. Was. Awesome.

Umm, Josiah's anecdote made my eyes pop out of my head and roll across my desk.

Also, have you ever put Bengay (or a similar hot/cold thing) on something sweaty or wet? It feels like you've set your skin on fire, and not in a good way (how do i know this? I used to do a lot of ballet--hours and hours of rehearsal--and i have tendonitis, so i kept icy hot around for it. One day, after barre, my back is hurting. I'm dripping sweat. I decide that icy hot will help my back! It was a poor choice). I imagine it would be even worse in your mouth? Agh. Tongue. Fire.

But, awesome.

 I can see the humor in the reasoning behind him using the BenGay to get his mind off of having to work with The Trio.  I realize this was an assignment, but I think it would add to the humor to mention how interesting it could be to hear him talk with a numb mouth and the lingering taste of BenGay.  I'd imagine it can't be good.

I think there are too many redundancies in this piece.  One example is the sentense, "A conceptual designer for Cafe Risque, he often had a bad taste in his mouth" leading to the next one, "The BenGay seemed to numb his mouth."  It has been established we are talking about his mouth. Maybe change the next sentense to "The BenGay seemed to keep it numb, allowing him to focus on his work. The last paragraph also has a lot of redundancies.  I think it can flow like this:  "He had to steal another moment with his BenGay to soothe his frayed nerves.  He shut himself in the bathroom and began to brush briskly, yet not rushing the moment.  He knew he had to go back out there...but not right now."

Tell me what you think. I hope that helps.

As a late critiquer of this (number 7? Yeesh!) I may have a hard time finding anything original to say.  The story, though incredibly short, was hilarious.

Today he would have to work wtih the Tranny Trio.  He brushed harder.  Those three could be hell to work with.

I would cut the last sentence here.  I think "He brushed harder" does a great job of describing his antipathy for the Trio.  The statement after it undermines the effect and is guilty of hand-holding your readers.

Seated at a table, he He sat at a table and spread out the different conceptual designs for the Trio to see.  In his opinion,They always picked the ugliest and always wanted him to make it uglier.  Before long, the Trio were seated and sure enough, they went for the ugliest design and demanded changes.

Something about the last part lacks "wow", though I can't think of a better sentence.

He shut himself in the bathroom, and was briskly brushing his teeth with BenGay.  Somehow, BenGay worked to soothe his frayed nerves.  He would have to go back out there, but not for a few more stolen moments with his BenGay.

I liked BrothaFett's rewrite of this paragraph.  If nothing else I would change "for" to "unilt he had" in the last sentence.

 If it was hard for Stewart to be the 7th, then how much harder is it going to be for me.

Okay diving in:

John brushed his teeth briskly.  He loved the taste of BenGay and swore up and down it worked better than regular toothpaste.  

 Obviously this is a portion of the premise as well as of the assignment.  It's funny in a quirky kind of way.  I think I would like a little more indication of how John developed this taste.  Probably something to do with a prank gone wrong.  I just need some excuse to believe that somebody would do this.

A conceptual designer for Cafe Risque, he often had a bad taste in his mouth. 

 Good pun.  Very funny.

The BenGay seemed to numb his mouth, allowing him to focus on his work.

 Little confused here.  He literally has a bad taste in his mouth.  Is it because he has to drink a lot of coffee?  An explicit reason would be nice.

Today he would have to work wtih the Tranny Trio.  He brushed harder.  Those three could be hell to work with.  Seeing his gums beginning to bleed, he stopped and rinsed his mouth.  He carefully packed his BenGay and toothbrush, knowing full well he would need it again before lunch.  He stepped out of the bathroom and came face to face with Toostie Roll, her face unshaven.  Silently, he stepped aside for her.

 Beautiful paragraph.  I love how you let us make assumptions about what Tranny Trio means and then subtly confirm them.

Seated at a table, he spread out the different conceptual designs for the Trio to see.  In his opinion, they always picked the ugliest and always wanted him to make it uglier.  Before long, the Trio were seated and sure enough, they went for the ugliest design and demanded changes.

 I think the problem with these two sentences is that the first one sets up an expectation and the second one meets it exactly.  Options would be to either 1) Don't set up the expectation, just let them pick and complain, 2) Setup the expectation and then have the result be different (they like the design for once, but then start being obnoxious in some other way, or 3) Setup a different expectation and then smash it with the reality (John has finally cooked up a design that he is confident will knock the socks of the Trio, only to be crushed by reality).  

He would have to go back out there, but not for a few more stolen moments with his BenGay.

 Hilarious endline.  His bizarre intimacy with an inanimate goo is even more emphasized because of the slight sexual innuendo inherent in the name of the product.  Being named Ben, I've heard my share of BenGay jokes so this resonated particularly with me.

Great job, Phedre.  You know your skills are growing when you can get this much out of a 10 minute writing exercise.  Thanks for sharing.

-Ben

I have to say that the idea of someone brushing their teet hwith bengay is alone a topic that instantly sets me into a slight grin. I think you did a good with painting a picture of the characters disdain for what his work required of him for that day.

Although nicely written I wish you would have put more detail into the story and stretched it out a bit, or even give it a back story. For example when did Josh first begin brushing his teeth with Bengay, was there something that happened that pushed him in this direction, did a friend or a family member influence him, was it an accident that he soon discovered that he liked? those are some of the things I think I might have added to this story.

Another thing that left me wanting more was the broad character introduction, was tootsieroll actuallly a character, and if so was it one of the three Tranny's, was Josh at work already, or was he in his home? And if he was at home, how did the Tranny trio get there.

Outside of those few questions I think you had a pretty enjoyable story and I would say that you have a pretty vivid imagination, I look forward to reading more of your work, so keep on poting and I'll keep on reading.

A conceptual designer for Cafe Risque, he often had a bad taste in his mouth.

Should be "As a conceptual..."

He shut himself in the bathroom, and was briskly brushing his teeth with BenGay. 

The second part mixes with the first part of the sentence to make the tense seem uneven. Simply change to "...and briskly began to brush his teeth with BenGay." Also, the comma isn't really needed in the rewrite.

Over all, this is a disturbingly funny short piece (but, then again, I know you all too well). The second sentence on just started making me crack up. I wonder just what kind of classroom groups you have!

I enjoyed the story. I wish I got the concept of "BenGay" though. What, is it toothpaste? I'd like to hear more about his terrible day with the trio though. How did you get this idea? What is it based off of? All of these are questions that should have been asked before hand. I enjoy the concept of " this stuff really works, it's like magic" though. I laughed at the thought of her facial hair being unshaven. Keep going, I like it. Always remember to ask questions though.