Hey Phedre. This kind of reminds me a bit of "There's Always Room For Jello", but it is only a litlle darker in humor. I did not spot any kind of errors in this story, so what I have to say is "good job" is kepp up the great work on your dark and humorous writing

This story has a good premise, and you have a great choice. You can either make it into a horror story or a dark comedy. That said, I hope you really expand this. This story reminds me of a half eaten spare rib, there still so much more to expand on!

I would definetly break this story up into paragraphs. Right now its a wall of text and a tad bit difficult to read. I think you should describe the chocker more let us visualize it. I would expand the last two sentences as well, its to straight forward. I would not use CSI, I would use crime scene investegator. Medical examiner is not capetilized. But you can't beat the irony of a choker choking someone. Hope you have fun with this one, and i'll be watching for an update!

 hi, phedre--

yes! definitely expand this shorty into a larger story--you've got a fun hook, here.

. . . and she noticed the rose choker she had bought the night before.

heh. this seems innocuous, until we read further. whether this girl is killed by an allergic reaction, or a nefarious necklace, i think giving the jewelry an aura of mystery would be fun--either as foreshadowing, or as a red herring.

Then she noticed something odd - her skin seemed to be breaking out in a rash around the choker.  Gasping, she tried to take it off, but couldn't - the latch wouldn't open.  Her neck swelled, and the choker tightened around her throat.  Still gasping for breath, clawing at her throat, she collapsed and slipped into unconsicousness.

this is exciting! this climactic scene definitely deserves more time and detail--i like the ambiguity of the cause of death. my first time through, i assumed the necklace tightened around her neck, the 'allergic reaction' abrasions from the constricting metal. but i do tend toward cursed, ghastly stuff. i think the idea of an ironic death is just as valid, with just as much potential, if not more. whatever cause of death you choose to illuminate, i hope you slow this scene down, add more reaction time. it's an important scene! (ooh, or you could leave it ambiguous...that'd be harder to pull off but really cool, as well.)

"So, Doctor, what was the cause of death?" A member of the CSI asked the Medical Examiner, eyeing the pretty girl lying on the slab.
"She had an allergic reaction to the fabric lining of the choker. It literally choked her to death."

i think your previous critique mentioned writing out the "CSI" to "crime scene investigator"--i tend to agree. also with the no capitals for "medical examiner". there's room for more detail here, too--specifics of the death scene, medical terminology, description of the girl on the slab...plenty of opportunity to add realism (or an ominous overtone...cue suspense music).

ha! i love this setup--you've established a strong base for a potentially great short story. please let me know if/when you build on this. i'd like to read it!

thanks for writing and posting your work, phedre.

 Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, girlfriend, will you ever cease to amaze me???????????

I believe in your so SOSOOSOOSOSOSOSO much.  Look at your imagination.    If only I could draw from your well of creativity.

This work is going to be just incredible.. I can feel it in my bones... In my spirit....

I only have one cuation,,,,, You used the word gasp twice in less than two sentences....   This is just too good to take chances with...   contsult your thesauraus for a different word to explain the same thing...............  I love it...

DID I MENTION I LOVE IT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   I AM NOT WORTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don't be afraid to expand a sentence when you need to ..   LIke the above critiques,, Medical terminology is not that hard, , I got an A in it when I did court reporting....   Make real.....  Even if you don't change it, it is still effective....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I think I am sitting at the feet of the master,, that doesn't even know that she is the master,,, but when you get famous,,,,,, remember those that you represent!   I love your works,,,,  And that is about the best thing I can say................................   YOU ROCK

 Man, I think this could be so much more frightening if this was expanded. We get so many little details, that if fleshed out, could make a very interesting short story. For example, why name the character? Her name is only mentioned once.  Where did she get the choker? Who did she buy it from? What time of day is it? Night? Morning? Why wouldn't the latch open? Just how pretty is Karen anyway? What's the significance of her name? What's the significance of her essay? What is her essay over?

These sound like really silly and meaningless questions, but I think, that if expanded on, this could become a really sinister piece. I'm not saying that this stuff needs to be answered, but now I'm curious. It just seems that right now, the puchline comes too quickly.

hahahahaha Man, that was funny. I even had my friend read it, she loved it too. Nice irony.

The impact could be greater if the essay had something to do with hanging. An essay on Saddam Hussein? Phil Ochs? What a pair...  But the trick would be to keep it subtle. Still, I think it would help wrap up the whole quick story. A choker just choking someone doesn't seem to have enough to it.