The Jeremy Files, Chapter 5: Dark Thoughts Cloud My Mind
poetry, love, friendship, sad
Published on:
June 11, 10:13pmWord Count:
161Work Description
This is a series of poems I wrote while being depressed. Just so you know, an ex-friend of mine is named Jeremy and he caused my depression...
Chapter Description
This is my version of an acrostic poem
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Print
Depression leaves me feeling down all the time
Another day passes where I feel I want to die
Relentless thoughts of evil tread
Knowing these things is clouding my head
Thoughts of ways to end it all
Horrible sadness, tears fall
Over the rainbow lies nothing for me
Under the dark clouds, above the sea
Great memories that still I miss
Having a tough time forgetting the “kiss”
Truth is, the friendship ended
So now my heart is even more dented
Couldn’t things have worked out just this once?
Love was strong, and then I was a dunce
Outside my mind, there was nothing but sadness
Under my skin, I caused brilliant madness
Deep in my mind I knew it was wrong
Mystical power made me less strong
Yesterday seems like yesteryear
My thoughts keep trying, trying to veer
I can’t live with these thoughts in my head
Never would I listen, though ‘cause then I’d be
Dead
Rate This Work
Your honest rating will help the author improve, and you'll earn a little karma too.
Please log in to rate.
I really like your poem. I think it's too long to be a good acrostic piece though and think it could be greatly improved with just a little tweaking to improve the rhythm.
I've taken it apart 4 lines at a time, and added my suggestions for changes under each section.
I would leave out the word feeling in the first line above, and leave out the words I feel in the second line. Clearly depression is the theme here, it is understood that you are speaking of your feelings.
I would leave out the word is in the fourth line and change clouding to cloud. If you make those changes and read it out loud, I think you will agree that it flows much smoother, has better rhythm but loses none of your meaning.
Here I want to add the word that to the second line, between tears and fall, and leave out the first the in the last line, between under and dark.
Here I would leave out the word that in the first line, and in the second line I would substitute the three words a tough time with the word trouble. In the fourth line I would leave out the first word So.
I want to leave out five words from these four lines. Just in the first line, And in the second line, there in the third line, and I caused in the fourth line.
The only other change I would make would be to make the very last line begin with the word 'cause. That way you have an even number of lines, and each part is broken into four lines making the rhythm consistent.
When reading your poem out loud after making these small changes I hope you will agree that it flows better and has better rhythm and feel.
I Love it, and I'm subscribing to your work!