From The Mind of Me...Part 2
short story, abuse, pain
Published on:
April 25, 5:12pmWord Count:
256Work Description
This is still a work in progress, and I'm not sure how it will fit into the rest of the story, but I'd love some feedback. Thanks
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Betrayal of the soul, treachery of the heart, disloyalty of the mind. She trusted him to take care of her, to love her, to protect her. Instead he violated her, desecrated her, and ravished her. He took her innocence, her security, her stability. Now all she is left with is feelings of guilt, abandonment, and recklessness. She only remembers the happy times when she looks through her picture album. She remembers the trip the zoo, where she rode the elephant and her daddy bought her ice cream, which dripped all over her chest and how he cleaned her off. She remembers the trips to the park where they played and rolled in the grass-Her and her father rolling around on top of each other. She remembers the trips to the fireworks where he put her on her shoulders and held her legs real tight. She remembers the trips to the ice skating rink when her hands would get so cold and her daddy would put them in his pocket to keep them warm. She remembers and anger she never knew existed boils up inside her. She remembers and feels so stupid for not seeing it coming. She remembers and it tortures her even more. How could she stand by and let this happen to her? She looks at her five year old self, and yells and screams at her for being so stupid, so weak, so passive. She wishes she could go back and erase all the pain, erase all the anger, erase all the guilt.
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This applies to both parts one and two. I really enjoyed reading this, despite the less than happy topic. You do an incredible job portraying what she would probably be thinking - from her thoughts of betrayal, to her thoughts of questioning herself after the fact, thinking that she should have known better. I also like the repetitive sentence style ("violated her, desecrated her, and ravished her;" "her innocence, her security, her stability"). Not only does it give a sense of driving the point home, but also it gives a sense of the repetitive thoughts she is probably having; thoughts she can't get away from no matter how hard she tries. I am not sure where this fits into the rest of the story (the description says it is a work in progress?), but I have definitely been drawn in. I would like to read more. The only criticism I have is that the blocks of text seem somewhat.. daunting. Maybe split it up a little? Or maybe it's intentional? It's a bit of a daunting subject. Well done, though. The emotions definitely ring true.
I'd have to say, whenever there is something negative about a peice of writting, I usually side with the peice or prespective of the character/subject that feels anger and rage.
This I think it a bit better than the first peice, although maybe you should throw them together?
Have you thought up of a peice that she confronts her father? Or tells someone?
This is what I am talking about! This would work wonders as the next line after the first piece. Wonce you have gone back over both of them, try giving a little more detells in the first chapter about her right then. Than ceeping your secound chapter around the same lines move on to the third chapter and do a repeat of the first. Like...on the first you tell whats going on between the girl and the dad, well contuine that like you never stoped for the secound chapter. Than the fourth one you could go back and make it seem like the secound chapter. This will give you a stariting and a outline for each chapter. It will also give you a back and fourth flow that will work nicely! Ceep writing!