Guilt
non-fiction, drama, poetry
Published on:
July 2, 12:11amWord Count:
252Last Edited:
July 2, 6:56pmWork Description
First off i should probably warn you that parts of this poem are pretty graphic. This is a poem i wrote just today to express the hurt I have felt recently. Just to clarify, the guilt and pain are in reference to the two miscarriages i have experienced in the past year...Please be completely truthful yet keep in mind that i almost never write poetry. I am mostly a short story girl myself =]
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Guilt.
All consuming guilt.
Breathing is a chore.
No one sees, all ignore.
Ignore the pain,
Ignore the tears that will not fall
From the eyes that no longer sleep.
The eyes that only see the past.
No matter what people say
The guilt just doesn’t dissipate.
Knowing what I did;
Knowing it was my fault.
Knowing that he, or she, should be alive today.
My defective body quakes with sobs
Silent as the midnight hour
Not ceasing until the daylight breaks.
Emptiness reigns in my body and soul;
No tears left to cry.
The shattered pieces of my broken heart
Slowly disappearing forever with my happiness.
This smile plastered to my face, a mask.
A mask no one knows is in place,
A mask no one would decide to look past.
No one sees the scars.
The scars from a box cutter that ripped through my pale skin
From the nights the pain was unbearable,
Until the blood flowed from cuts fresh made.
Some pretend to care…
Beyond their halfhearted caring words
Are thoughts of problems their own and unlike mine.
Thoughts they deem more important
Than a broken unfeeling soul of someone who
Was their savior in a time of need,
Their voice in the darkness.
But where is mine?
Where is the voice that would pull me out of this black hole?
The arms that would shield ME from the pain;
The pain of knowing,
Of knowing what I did.
The pain of knowing
What might have been.
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I have to deeply apoligize I failed to read the introduction to it. I alsoread it a 2nd time I seen and read the pain of it now
Your piece is heartfelt and passionate and effective in portraying those complicated emotions of a loss that one believes is of their own doing. You have some extremely powerful lines that are strong, perfect, but the weaker lines serve to suffocate what you are trying to voice. You begin your poem with guilt, and just like a written story, the first lines set the theme for whatever is to be written. So do you wish to express guilt and grief in your loss? Or do you wish to express others seeming ignorance and obliviousness to your pain? If it is the guilt of knowing what you did and the grief in your loss (which to me are the most powerful and most explicit parts of your poem) then the other things have no place in this particular poem. Though they could make another with a theme of invisibility, unseen, unheard, etc . . .
You mention 'The tears that will not fall' and then 'No tears left to cry' which counter one another, even if they can come to mean the same exact thing. Some weak lines are "the eyes that only see the past', 'knowing that he, or she, should be alive today (try my baby, my child, etc . . . ) You could eliminate 'the mask' after the smile plastered to my face. No one sees the scars. The scars from a box cutter . . . One of 'the scars can be eliminated and the line should be shortened to go with the overall rythmn. Your best lines are The pain of knowing, of knowing what i did, the pain of knowing, what might have been.
Alternating from writing stories and poetry can be difficult because they are two completely different means to expressing oneself. When one writes stories, fragmented sentences are typically a big no no, sentences ending with propositions, etc . . . That's why poetry is so great, because there are no such rules. With poetry you can play with your words. The's and that's can be eliminated as poetry does not require those transitions. For example: Ignore the pain, ignore the Tears that will not fall, from the eyes that no longer sleep, the eyes that only see the past can be 'A pain ignored, by tears refused passage, stuck on what's past these eyes, oblivous to sleep" Think of poetry as having a beat, one that strikes with every syllable, and then stay consistent with this beat.
Although you as the author gave an explanation, a prologue to the poem, if you were to publish the poem on its own it may be difficult for readers to know what the pain is all about; what brought it on, why the poem exists.
The theme of guilt is a difficult one to express and after you get rolling there are a few good lines here, like:
"Emptiness reigns in my body and soul;
No tears left to cry.
The shattered pieces of my broken heart
Slowly disappearing forever with my happiness."
which I like so much that I would suggest that you might try them as the start and go from there.
The 'guilt' theme gets bogged down by other themes as you proceed, the feelings of grief and loss.
A general somber mood comes across, but overall the mood appears too balanced and you might want some deeply dramatic words to pull in you readers so they feel what you feel.
The guild you feel is from a very dramatic experience, as so, that needs to come through clear as a whistle.
Overall, you do present a sad image that does come through to the reader --it's just not powerful enough.
I did not see much in the way of symbols or metaphors, but that would be okay if the the poem struck true to a feeling of deep guilt passed on to the reader with other descriptive wording.
The poem, if it were music, is discordant. The meter, or beat, is rather jerky.
The diction has repetitive areas, like here, where 'ignore is overused:
"No one sees, all ignore.
Ignore the pain,
Ignore the tears that will not fall."
And here again:
"Knowing what I did;
Knowing it was my fault.
Knowing that he, or she, should be alive today."
where 'knowing' is overused.
The author may want to consult a thesaurus.
I did not have any issues with the gramma or spelling.
Again, the author gave an explanation, a prologue to the poem, but the poem on its own it may be difficult for readers to know what the pain is all about; what brought it on, why the poem exists.
I found your work rather passive at first I seen your title and I was expecting a first person writing. At first I didnt see it. It almost like you were not sure if you wanted to write this at all. Then about halfway through it I seen the feelings coming in, I felt your words. I would suggest to dig a little deeper into your past. Why did cut yourself, who drove you the extreme, why did u feel that was your only way out, who abused you if there was abuse.