The Window
flash fiction, fiction
Published on:
April 11, 6:48pmWord Count:
760Last Edited:
April 21, 11:23pmWork Description
A man rethinks his life by a plane window. (old story of mine like to know you're thoughts on it)
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Air swooshed by the wings of the mid-sized private business plane. A man in his late forties sat alone in the passenger cabin. His gaze fixed on the papers that occupied his mind, and the desk before him. A worried look possessed his face as he repeatedly reads the paper containing his speech.
Its needs to be clearer he thought. Yet too clear and the board members would feel like I am talking down to them; and it takes little to give them the impression that. That is the price of extending the business into foreign soil, just being there I suppose is somehow implicative of superiority. In a childish way. However, if it is not clear, enough like it now stands, I will look ill informed and inadequate.
Suddenly a voice interrupts his thinking, the pilot’s deep voice squeezed through the speaker system. “Mr.Ackerneer sir, we are currently flying over Spain. E.t.a. until we dock in Madrid forty five minutes.”
Ackerneer stood up from his seat and walked to the window to contemplate the view. It is beautiful; the treetops of the Spaniard countryside spread past the horizon forming a sea of green. Occasional grassy patches appear and the landscape succumbs to civilization. Farms, villages, and then cities filled Ackerneer’s eyes.
Making his way back into his seat, he now found it difficult to concentrate on the speech. His mind stuck on the countryside view. Every attempt to focus on the speech ended in deep thought of the countryside. He could take it no more; he stood up, went over to window, and looked out upon his unwilling fixation.
This was not his first time to Spain and not his first encounter with the countryside. He made trips to Spain almost quarterly to see that his workings were run properly, yet this time the trip had a more serious motive. The productivity of the Spain division was low for the second consecutive year. He had come to cut budget, payroll, and personnel. He intends to create a speech to express the wholeness of the situation from an unbiased point of view, so his employees would see the logical necessity of the measures taken. That however, is proving harder than he originally deduced.
Standing at the window, he looked out and saw a village with what he made out as people gathered in the center. His thoughts say it is a beautiful village. A lot like the one, he grew up in. How were the folks doing at home? He wondered. The neighbor is probably sitting in her front porch right now welcoming in the afternoon with her fifth cup of coffee. The little shop owner is most likely getting rid of the morning’s remaining bread loaves, while the old men play a game of dominos.
“Who am I kidding.” he tells himself. The neighbor is most likely dead by now; the shop owner very likely handed the business down to his son and the old men I remember have probably being replace by a new batch. Nonetheless, the village is almost certainly still sincere; a young man could rise head to the little shop (as the village lovingly called it), and talk with the elders as he ate a quick snack.
Ackerneer had come a long way from his childhood village. However, the unpleasant task ahead had driven him into a nostalgic daydream of simpler less demanding times. He ponders of what his life would be like if he had remained in the village. I would be on the farm right now he thought, tending the fields, the sun beating down on me. My straw hat would keep my head cool. As the day would draw to an end I would, find my way to the center of the village, where I would join my old friends and converse.
“It seems so far away that life,” he whispers. He heads over to the desk and in resignation picks up the speech and eyes it over. Speech in hand he walked
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Overall I like this work.
However I was confused with the tense of the narrative voice in the
beginning.
For example, take the following:
He could take it no more and standing up he goes over to window and looks out upon his unwilling fixation.
Up until this point, it seems we
are using the past tense in our voice, like 'air swooshed' or
'Ackerneer stood', but the above sentence looks as if it starts in
the past, and moves into the present. Now the sentence
looks to be correct, so I think it may simply have been the choice
in 'He could' followed immediately by 'and standing'. Maybe
you should have someone with a better grasp of tense in a narrative
voice look at this.
It was just enough to break the
flow for me.
I should probably point out that the last paragraph is double spaced, unlike the rest.
your writing style reminds me of ray bradburry
the treetops of the Spaniard countryside spread past the horizon forming a sea of green. Occasional grassy patches appear and the landscape succumbs to civilization. Farms, villages, and then cities filled Ackerneer’s eyes.Making his way back into his seat, he now found it difficult to concentrate on the speech.
my question is why? why did he go back to his seat? most people would have stayed untill the plane had to land.
I would be on the farm right now he thought, tending the fields, the sun beating down on me. My straw hat would keep my head cool. As the day would draw to an end I would, find my way to the center of the village, where I would join my old friends and converse.
it kind of slows down here for me
fine. there were descriptions in all the right parts
pov(point of view)was consistant and not confusing
there could be a little tinkering with ackneer
like first his name, try to keep it simple so that it flows
the inner dialog was easy to follow and you could make connections where and when he changed subjects
none that i saw
pritty good
Hi Richard,
I liked your story. I think the content and the idea are worthwhile. All of the pieces of this story work together towards a consistent theme, which I admire. Surveying your work, it would seem that your next great target would be smoothing out the bumps - working to perfect your writing craft. You have all the ideas there, it's just polishing that this piece needs.
Like some other critiquers have mentioned before, tense is a big issue here. Throughout the piece, you switch back and forth between past and present, which is very jarring for the reader. This seems to be nothing more than a need for proofreading. As far as can I tell, this piece should stay in the same tense the whole way through. Making the tense uniform will seriously kick this piece up a level.
The story needs to be gone over with a fine comb to right some comma placements and grammatical errors. Sometimes the commas are unnecessary, and other times they're a word or two ahead of where they should appear.
I like what you have so far in the way of describing the view from his plane window. Maybe you could find other word for countryside though, because it becomes repetitive very quickly.
The word "deduced" really stuck out to me as odd. Also I was confused by
a young man could rise head to the little shop
I'm not sure what that means.
Where is his childhood village? Just curious. Maybe that information could help enrich the story even more. When the main character is wondering what his life would be like if he had stayed in his village, are there personal connections to the town you could bring in? Are there specific friends he left behind? Or a sweetheart? Or family members? If so, memories of them would really intensify the recollection and help the reader really believe his decision to turn the plane around in the end. As is, the story reaches a peak without the power and energy one would associate with a piece's climax. We see that he makes a decision, and we generally know why, but as a reader, I would like to be more convinced and hear some of this man's inner dialogue, his reasoning with himself. That would be very interesting and worth showing your audience.
This last paragraph was a little awkward. These phrase felt off:
the sea of forest returning to dominance
I think I got the picture, but it could be articulated more clearly. The phrase in parentheses should either be crossed out or the idea should be conveyed in the description in the sentence proper. At the end, I wasn't sure whether the plane was going back to its point of departure or to a new location.
It would also be cool to give us a flashback to the moment he made the decision to leave his village. I think that could strengthen the piece a lot.
You've got a strong framework laid down here. I look forward to reading your revisions and your other work!
Hello Richard,
I love the quiet nature of this piece. It's all so simple and real. It's not something I would attempt, but I think you have for the most part pulled off a nice little literary piece here. I enjoyed the way the physical setting affected the man's thoughts. This is a must, in my opinion, for any work that takes place mostly inside a character's head. Before I move on to the breakdown, I will just reiterate the need to bring this all under one tense (I suggest past) otherwise it doesn't flow smoothly.
Its needs to be clearer he thought. Yet too clear and the board members would feel like I am talking down to them; and it takes little to give them the impression that. That is the price of extending the business into foreign soil, just being there I suppose is somehow implicative of superiority. In a childish way. However, if it is not clear, enough like it now stands, I will look ill informed and inadequate.
Here you imply that the speech is to be given to the board members, but later you make it sound like it is the employees who will hear the speech. Which is it? If both, make this clear.
E.t.a. until we dock in Madrid forty five minutes.
Dock seems odd here. Wouldn't they "land" in Madrid.
Ackerneer stood up from his seat and walked to the window to contemplate the view. It is beautiful; the treetops of the Spaniard countryside spread past the horizon forming a sea of green. Occasional grassy patches appear and the landscape succumbs to civilization. Farms, villages, and then cities filled Ackerneer’s eyes.
Love the imagery here. Especially the landscape succumbing to civilization. Great word choice.
He could take it no more; he stood up, went over to window, and looked out upon his unwilling fixation.
Except that you have just said in the paragraph above that they are no longer over the countryside.
Standing at the window, he looked out and saw a village with what he made out as people gathered in the center. His thoughts say it is a beautiful village. A lot like the one, he grew up in. How were the folks doing at home? He wondered. The neighbor is probably sitting in her front porch right now welcoming in the afternoon with her fifth cup of coffee. The little shop owner is most likely getting rid of the morning’s remaining bread loaves, while the old men play a game of dominos.
Well done here. How the view places him back in his own past. Is he going to kill a village like this with his cutbacks? If so that might be a nice little thought, if you don't think it is overkill.
Minutes later the plane is turned around headed towards what he imagines will be simpler times.
What exactly did the man decide here. I read this two ways: 1) He is going to put off his speech and go spend some time in his old hometown, or 2) He is going to quit his job and become a farmer. Neither of these seem to be satisfactory ending. One is too mild and two is too extreme. Yet there are too many missing details for it to be anything else. While I enjoy the subtle turn in the man's outlook, I would like to know how that would truly affect him. He can't just quit, but neither can he stay. Therein lies another interesting story, I think.
Thanks for sharing this piece. I haven't read a lot of the literary genre here on Scib. and it's nice to see it's still being written.
-Ben
i like the path this story is taking. You establish a calm, serene setting with an undertone of turmoil. i dont have any plot advises for you, but there are a few grammar mistakes.
"Yet too clear and the board members would feel like I am talking down to them; and it takes little to give them the impression that I am talking down to them." you double this up. might want to look at that.
"A worried look possessed his face as he reads the paper containing his speech for what seems like the fortieth time." reading a speech 40 times is not uncommon. best not put a number there. Since the amount of times a person needs to read something varies from person to person, by putting a sort of "x number of times" statement there, it allows the person to add thier own number based on thier own preference. this will also score you points on the reader relating to the character.
"This is not his first to Spain" his first time?
thats all i could pick out. dont let it bother you. they say the best writers have the worst grammar. God nows mine is terrible. other than that, the story is great. keep it up.