I liked the opening rhyme of waste and taste and lust and entrust and would personally have liked to see this run through to the end of the first paragraph. Really strong opening though. The spitting of the dead was poweful and was the association with the colour red. A little more explanation of this would have helped me understand what was going through your your mind and thinking.

The ending was really really strong and I actually felt that I wanted more as for me it was not finished. Maybe this was your idea and in this case it worked. I just wanted some conclusion. if there was one in fact.

Many thanks

Charlie cheshire

 overall, i liked the theme and the message of the poem.

what i got from this was that even after someone dies, people still stay the same. if thats what you were trying to say, i can relate to it.

the imagery in the poem to me was a battlefield like you said, the end of the world. i saw people fighting and dying soldiers telling them to stop.

the only mistake i found in the poem was:

 

at some point we may could make right

it think you meant to choose one or the other. i think it should be:

at some point we could make right.

thats all i have now. i look forward to more writings.

Agreeing with the others, the theme on this is strong.  I was able to pick up your message, it came through clearly.

Critique wise, I would work on locking in your rhyme scheme.  As Cheese said, it's very good in the first couple lines, but then it seems to fade away.  With my experience, you either want to carry the rhyme scheme throughout the whole poem, or avoid it all together as it becomes a bit distracting.

Polish that up and you'll be in great shape!

Nice poem, look forward to more!

....Reading through the piece, I have to agree with most of what was said by everybody else; the message is clear and central, but the rhyme seems to lose it's way a bit.

You may want to try stretching the rhyme a little with some more spacing between the couplets, a line or two...the poem has a message independent of it's scheme, so there's no need to force the rhyme...

J.A.T

I really liked this poem, it forced you to stop and think. I think there can be many ways of looking at this poem, not just one message. For me I thought it was about the existing apathy and lack of empathic connection of today. We take so much for granted and don't look beyond just what serves our own purposes. The imagery of the blood stained battlefield and the dead soldier evoke, for me, a cry against the aimless and blind life so many live today.

It was a beautiful poem, and for a critique I would've liked to see the type of structure in the second stanza continue throughout :

we spit in the face of the dead
forgot the meaning of the red
stains on the battlefields of freedom
the signs of truth are everywhere
but we've forgotten how to read them
at some point we could make right
but we've lost our minds and our sight
and we're spitting in the face of the dead

I really liked how the first line went from past tense in the beginning then to present when it was repeated in the last line of the stanza. I think it'd be so great to have that in every stanza. but otherwise it was such a pleasure to read!

Your poem was interesting but I thought it jumped around a bit.  You have some good images here

we spit in the face of the dead
forgot the meaning of the red
stains on the battlefields of freedom

and

with the face of a dead man
I try to see through his rotten eyes

I like how you continued the image with

has blindly killed us in disguise

As with the rest of the critiquers, I can see the rhyming fading fast once you get past the beginning but I thought it came on too heavy here

inhale the dust and the lust
in which we must entrust

I like the end of the poem, what it says and how it flows.  Nice effort.

 " I  REALLY LIKED THIS AND HOW IT SEEMED TO ROLL ALONG, READING IT MADE ME SMILE SOMEHOW ? "