RLyn,

This seems like a difficult assignment in that you are attempting to express a lot of depth in characters that the audience will only watch for 3-5 minutes. That is difficult to do.

That said, when I read your story, I felt like I was reading about generic characters with generic problems. It's clear that you've spent time with autistic children before, but what is it really like to be a person burdened with something like this? I think you've skimped over the difficulty of normal things that we as people that do not suffer from autism take for granted.

Take your shower scene. Andy is here on the floor and water is everywhere. How does Jamie react? I don't really know. She apparently just accepts it and moves on. But in reality, Jamie's clothes would likely be all wet from the water (and she might have been dressed a little nicer because she was supposed to go on a date), it's likely that other things in the bathroom are soaked and need attending to, and it's also likely that she would have to worry about mopping up all of this water. That's a lot of work and frustration for something like taking a shower.

I think that if you can better convey what it is that consumes them so, it might be more powerful in adding depth to the characters.

Hope that helps!

-Strider212

 Hi again Rlyn! Once again I really like your work. I appreciate your passion toward tthis subject of children with autism. I don't know if the aforementioned comment by Strider is completely fair to you, but there is a sense in which the customer is always right, when it comes to literature. The problem is not that you showed generic people with generic problems, but because the emphasis a little too much on Jamie and Mom. I know that the philosophy of Jamie and Mom are the central point of your message, but Strider is correct that you need to put a little more emphasis on what life is like for Andy--not just through Jamie's statements about him.

Still, I think you did an excellent job of showing the struggles of Andy's mom and sister. I know these struggles firsthand, and if Jamie is autobiographical, then I know how you feel. My sister has come so far and it really does take a balance of not giving up and yet still accepting who she is. Had my parents not worked with my sister so much she would not be able to talk or read or enjoy music and television intelligibly. So that's the "mom" side of the struggle in your story. On the other hand, it took tons of work that didn't seem to make sense at the time, and you have to struggle with what will ultimately be best for the child--the "Jamie" side of the story. So I thank you for this story. I relate really well. Thanks for sharing!

 Oh, now this is just wrong, I am so new to this site, actually this is my first critque, and I had it all written and then I pushed something wrong and bam! it dissapeared. So now I shall try to do this again. The story line is very good, we all become familar with people with disabilities somewhere on the path of our lives. I think maybe you need a little more frustration,  maybe a real hard cry, I felt like it could have been written back in the day of the TV  series Leave it to Beaver. this is because of the way it is worded, I should have checked out your bio first to see how old you are, but then I may have to start over again...so I am going to work off the presumption that you are not that old yet. I think the mother in this could have been a little tougher on the dead beat dad.....People like to have someone else they can pass the buck to so it becomes all their fault instead of their own, that their lives are so miserable. If we did not do that I think our self esteme would be getting a real tough workout.  You did a very nice job of bringing the people to life so to speek, that is hard to do in so little of a time. So I guess what I am trying to say is that once you become a little more jaded by the thing's life throws at you you will see your writing mature, so even if you get a bad review at times that is actually good because it helps with the maturing process. well thank you for listing, hopefully I will be able to get this critque thing down once I am here for a while, keep that pen to paper.  C. Crone

This story was really interesting. Despite your time restriction, you wrote this story in a way that flowed pretty well. I was able to follow what you were saying and depicting. One thing that I really enjoyed about your writing style in this piece was that you delayed the fact that the brother had autism. At first when he was reluctant and didn't immediately respond to his sister's command (in bed) I assumed this were a normal brother-sister relationship. But then as you laid out the scene I realized something was different about this boy. I think the scene where the daughter confronts the mother in the kitchen seemed forced. What I mean is that I don't know if the daughter would talk to her mother in that way. You almost make it seem like the girl is an outsider with how she talks. The scene doesn't seem natural. Besides that, I enjoyed reading this. Good luck with your editing.

This is a really great story, I must agree.  I have autism so I know how it feels.  It's just that the formatting could've been done a little better for readability purposes.  Like for actions, you could use brackets or <> symbols to denote actions or thoughts.  Also, maybe using words for transitions like 'LATER' or things of that nature, might help too.

Other than that, this is a very well written idea, and I really enjoyed reading it a lot.  I know how tough it is to have autism, and I'm glad to see that there are other people who can help write about this to help other people understand as well.

 I think it is good and it needs some work but it has real potential. First you need to make sure that when you write not to make it too deep. If it was meant to be deep it will be and a story like this has one meaning and it needs to only go so deep other wise you might get lost. But if it has potential everything can be fixed and don't get discouraged by what anyone says. They do it to me and i need to be reminded that this is my work and they have their own stories to write and focus on and not pointing out every little tiny mistake. KEEP GOING!

CJ makes a good point on two accounts, one I believe I've already mentioned to you: don't get disheartened, remember that you write differently than other people so never be discouraged and never be afraid to show off your talent! You can write, don't let other people convince you otherwise!

The second point, don't worry about going however deep you want it to be. I say focus on the main character, what you want her to feel, and let the environment (people, school, work, w/e) tell his/her tale. When that happens, the story should unfold right before your eyes! I mean, not to say you don't already have a story and I don't write screen plays anyway, but I hope this helps all the same.

From my personal point of view with no skill in writing screenplays whatsoever, I think this is VERY well done! I felt the emotion regardless of what everyone (including myself!) is saying! I look forward to reading more of your works!

oh, and try to keep the confidence! You're a great writer, honest!

 Having two developmentally disabled brother's of my own, I know this character and understand.  The general plot is good, but the ending is a bit pushed for me.  It's almost as if you are trying too hard to make a point through dialogue when sometimes, just telling the story get's your point across just fine. The dialogue at the end is almost like a lecture.If the main character being sent to her room, where she overhears the sounds of her mother's crying for example, would make the point you're trying for without lecturing.

The same when the mother talks about the no-good-dad.  It seemed like forced inclusion of facts.  Something more subltle would make a better, stronger point.

I like the idea and education of autism is good on any level.  Great start.  Just some cleaning up and you'll get an A for sure.

Thanks,

Amber

I just read the first two critiques, Strider and Matthew, and have to add that I disagree that the story needs to center more on Andy, unless that's what you wanted.  What I understood is that it's a story for families struggling through autism, which is equally as important.  Whomever you choose to make the main focus, stick to them because of your restricted time limitations.

That's my two cents.

Thanks again.

 Hi, I'm new here, but not new to writing. I have a suggestion for you. Go to CELTX.com and download a free formatting program for plays, screenplays, and prose. It will help you format your work into a workable script. Also, see my critique. Good stuff.