I think you've managed to personally invest me into this story so much that I can't quite seem to find anything to nit pick about it.

I have at least 3 friends who have Asperger's and I -still- can't quite figure out how it must feel for them to grow up with it. I was really hoping that this story would be in the view of someone with Asperger's, but even then, it was a good glimpse of how a child will deal with the syndrome. Sadly, its easy for us to think that this kid will be ok once her class matures and stops calling her names, but I know from experience how awful they are treated in college and beyond. I was wondering what your own personal story with Asperger's is? What I liked the most about this piece is it shows how unwarranted the meanness people have is towards those that are different. I felt like I could read this story to an elementary school audience as a way of starting a conversation on the subject. So many kids, and grown-ups, don't realize how they are not helping kids who have it.

Alright, I'll get off my soap box.

Thank you for writing such a solid story! I hope to read more of your works!

 Great Job! 5 Stars. I really appreciate writing like this that encourages people to be more socially sensitive and aware of people who are not exactly like them. Awesome job. I'm kinda with Brittany. I think this story is so good that I don't want to nitpick, so I will just point out one line that I found confusing.

Before she started babysitting Hailey, Jane Hailey’s mother, told her that Aspergers is a condition that disturbs the way a person interacts with other people.

Perhaps you could make it smoother...something like....  Hailey's mother, Jane, had told Kelly that Asperger's is a condition that disturbs....."

Also for professionalism's sake, put an apostrophe in Asperger's throughout the story. Otherwise, Excellent work!

 Okay, I'm sorry for doing this (not really lol), but I have to make another comment about the story. Like I told you before, you are a good writer, and I think you can be great. So I'm going to encourage you to make some revision out of sheer love for this story. I want it to be great. I would like to see you try to incorporate more dialogue between Hailey and those who she's around. You may have to change your perspective to third-person omniscient to do so (or not, just be creative).  To be more specific, show us why Hailey's peers regard her as a "geek". Create a scenario where there is a dialogue between Hailey and her peers that exemplifies the comment that you made which informed the reader that people with Asperger's miss some social subtleties like sarcasm and humor.

ISo maybe show that kids do not like her because she never laughs at their jokes, or because she seems so much smarter than them because she understand weather at a collegiate level, or ... okay, I've said enough. I'll let you be the author. Just throwing around a few ideas. Keep up the good work!

You obviously have a true passion for writing and this work has the feeling of a personal, very emotional story.     I want to make a suggestion to help you put some extra polish on your prose so that you can make this story even better:  Work on your grammar a bit.  You don't seem to use commas very well, and while the rules for their usage are numerous and annoying, they really help for building more complex sentences and avoiding confusion.  There are also a few instances where you mix up your subject-verb agreement:

"she knew everything would be okay if she WERE wearing it"

And your tenses:

"Today there WAS no note. Her gaze fell upon the small macaroni picture frame Hailey had made for her. Kelly HAD taken a picture of herself and Hailey and placed it in the frame. Now it STANDS on the table with all the other family photographs."
 

These are smallish errors that many people make, but they add up and can make a promising writer seem amaturish.  I hope this was helpful.  Keep writing

RLyn,

I have a few comments that may help you:

Kelly sat in her room, staring out the window at the pallid sky. It was one of those days that she wished she could curl up under her covers and sleep the day away. Josh had forbidden her from doing this. He always looked out for her, that’s part of the reason she loved him so much. She heaved the confining covers off, and shuffled into the living room. She was home alone again, no surprise there. She glanced at the small table where her mom would often leave her notes. Today there was no note. Her gaze fell upon the small macaroni picture frame Hailey had made for her. Kelly had taken a picture of herself and Hailey and placed it in the frame. Now it stands on the table with all the other family photographs.

You've introduced a lot of characters in your first paragraph-- Kelly, Josh, Mom and Hailey. Her relationship with Josh feels remote. It's merely interjected as a thought as we follow her around the house. The note from Mom is fine, but I might even create paragraph 2 at "She glanced at the small table..."

The story is about Kelly and Hailey, after all. And these characters are your most powerful. So although Josh and Mom are important to Kelly, don't let them interfere with the power of your plot.

She baby-sat Hailey nearly every day after school. Hailey suffered from Aspergers Syndrome, which is a mild form of Autism. Kelly smiled at the small child in the picture; she was almost 8 years old now. Before she started babysitting Hailey, Jane Hailey’s mother, told her that Aspergers is a condition that disturbs the way a person interacts with other people. She told her that Hailey, like many other people with Aspergers, develop obsessions, considerable vocabularies, and they often fidget or sit in awkward positions. Many adults and doctors don’t recognize or understand the condition, let alone children. At first Kelly hoped to help Hailey with this, but as time advanced she soon realized that Hailey was just too young to understand why she didn’t fit in with all the other kids.

Although I understand it's important for the reader to understand the gravity of Aspergers Syndrome, I didn't feel all of this explanation was necessary. If you get a chance, take a look at Dylan Moody's "Thieves of Gully Forge" and see how he introduces a young boy with Autism. He shows the boy's behavior, and we infer enough to know what Autism may involve. Lines such as "many other people... develop obsessions..." and "Many adult and doctors don't recognize..." sound too textbooky. You only need the reader to know Aspergers is a serious medical condition and Kelly understands all the details of it. You don't need to tell the reader the details of it.

It was ironic that her mother had a cat clock when she hated cats. It was practically one in the afternoon

There's passive voice throughout the narrative. The story will read cleaner and more powerfully if you remove any instance where the verb of your sentence is "was," "were," "had been," or any variation of "is." Replace them with something like:

"Kelly glanced at a wall clock shaped like a cat with a huge smile. She shook her head, puzzled by the irony of it; her mother hated cats."

She had begged Josh to take off work to help her out with Hailey at the carnival, unfortunately he was unable to do so. He promised to meet her at her house when he got off work, she considered this to be better than nothing.

These are run-ons. It should read: "She had begged Josh to take off work to help her out with Hailey at the carnival. Unfortunately he was unable to do so. He promised to meet her at her house when he got off work. She considered this to be better than nothing."

Her school held one every year. It offered a time for kids to be involved in fun activities for a moderately cheap price. Every year Kelly wished she could take Hailey, but Kelly didn’t, because she couldn’t picture Hailey interacting with the hundreds of screaming rug rats. However, this year Kelly was determined to take her, giving Hailey one day to be a joyful, semi-normal child.

Josh was a massive help to Kelly when she was babysitting. He had a cousin who suffered from Aspergers so he understood her condition better than the average person.

The necklace was her security blanket; she knew everything would be okay if she were wearing it. She peeked out the window; the sky seemed to be clearing up, which was a good sign. Hailey detested going out in bad weather. Weather happened to be Hailey’s obsession.

This is all explanation. You don't need it. I know it's important information for the backstory, but the reader doesn't need to hear it. Let the reader infer and stick with showing the action.

Upon reaching the minuscule house Jane, Hailey’s mother, had Hailey sitting on the stairs waiting. Hailey was rubbing her eyes furiously. “Hey honey, what’s wrong?” Kelly questioned. Hailey looked at her momentarily before answering. She shrugged, “they mock me.” Kelly sat down next to Hailey and put a comforting arm around her, “Don’t worry sweetie, as long as you’re with me no one would dare say anything cruel!” Kelly took Hailey by the hand and together they strolled headstrong to the carnival.

This would benefit by creating more a sense of time/space in action. Allow the reader to walk up the front steps of Hailey's house. Describe what it looks like, sounds like, smells like-- put the reader in a room. Show Hailey walking down the front steps and clutching onto the side of Kelly's jeans. Something. Otherwise it just feels like it's being told to us.

Also, I don't really know the age difference between Kelly and Hailey. I'd like to at this point.

As they entered the gymnasium, they were greeted by hundreds of screaming kids.

Same thing. We don't feel the walk to school. We don't know how far it is. Although this isn't that important, it gives the reader a sense of time/space in action.

Together they cast their poles into the water as if they were deep sea fishermen. Kelly instantly hit a duck and reeled it up. On the bottom of the yellow duck was the number three. She had won a small stuffed animal. Eventually, Hailey managed to snag a Duck. She reeled it up triumphantly. She then saw the number one on the bottom of it. She won a toothbrush. “That’s all I win? That’s not how it should work! I’m supposed to get a good prize. You’re not supposed to do it that way!” Hailey began to shriek. Kelly led her into a small hallway, “Honey those are the rules of the game, we can’t change them remember. I told you that before.”

This would benefit from some dramatic tension. I know it's not a suspense thriller, but we want to feel the emotion of "oh, I hope she wins a prize for Hailey! it'll mean so much to her!" Slow down the action and let the reader feel a little suspense. (If you've seen the movie "In America," there's a sequence where the father is similarly trying to win a carnival game for his kids. It's done beautifully.)

Another unfortunate symptom of Aspergers is the inability to recognize voice tones, such as sarcasm or humor.

Intrusive explanation.

Hailey was not just some girl whom Kelly babysat; she was like her baby sister.

Show this through Kelly's actions, thoughts, and feelings. Don't tell us.

She walked triumphantly back to where she had left Hailey. Amazingly Hailey had not wandered off, but she was no longer alone. She could hear the kids chanting, “You’re so annoying! We hate playing with you! You’re a geek!”

Again, the dramatic effect of this scene can be enhanced by creating more a sense of time/space. Truly place the reader there and it'll be heartbreaking.

You've got an interesting topic here and I was surprised at how impacting the conclusion was for me. I'm not sure what you intended here, but for me it ends at an abrupt point-- effectively. It's only at that moment that Kelly realizes she truly has no answers and is completely helpless in protecting Hailey. It's not sad for Hailey as much as it's a heartbreaking discovery for Kelly, who spends the majority of the story striving to care for Hailey... only to come to the stark realization that she cannot, despite the fact that she's doing the best she knows how.

I hope you can use these comments to revise this story a bit to capture this strong, poignant impact.

Best of luck!

 

She baby-sat Hailey nearly every day after school. Hailey suffered from Aspergers Syndrome, which is a mild form of Autism. Kelly smiled at the small child in the picture; she was almost 8 years old now. Before she started babysitting Hailey, Jane Hailey’s mother, told her that Aspergers is a condition that disturbs the way a person interacts with other people. She told her that Hailey, like many other people with Aspergers, develop obsessions, considerable vocabularies, and they often fidget or sit in awkward positions. Many adults and doctors don’t recognize or understand the condition, let alone children. At first Kelly hoped to help Hailey with this, but as time advanced she soon realized that Hailey was just too young to understand why she didn’t fit in with all the other kids.

 

Kelly sat in her room, staring out the window at the pallid sky. It was one of those days that she wished she could curl up under her covers and sleep the day away. Josh had forbidden her from doing this. He always looked out for her, that’s part of the reason she loved him so much. She heaved the confining covers off, and shuffled into the living room. She was home alone again, no surprise there. She glanced at the small table where her mom would often leave her notes. Today there was no note. Her gaze fell upon the small macaroni picture frame Hailey had made for her. Kelly had taken a picture of herself and Hailey and placed it in the frame. Now it stands on the table with all the other family photographs.

First and foremost, my critique is going to be long. There are many small mistakes that jump out at me in your first paragraph. Here are a few:

The second sentence : It was one of those days that she wished she could curl up under her covers and sleep the day away. Josh had forbidden her from doing this. He always looked out for her, that’s part of the reason she loved him so much.

This thing about Josh forbidding Kelly from sleeping the day away. Here you make Josh sound possessive and not at all loving. A more appropriate way to soften the sentence would be..

Josh had not wished for her to waste her life in bed. He cared for her well being and that is one of the reasons she loved him so much.

The next part in the paragraph where she heaved the covers off her. Again, you make it seem that Kelly is angered at Josh and that's why she's forcing herself to get out of bed.

A better way to put the sentence would be..

Removing the confining covers off, she shuffled into the living room. (See how I left heaved out?)

She was home alone again, no surprise there. She glanced at the small table where her mom would often leave her notes. Today there was no note. Her gaze fell upon the small macaroni picture frame Hailey had made for her. Kelly had taken a picture of herself and Hailey and placed in the picture frame. Now it stands on the table with the other family photographs.

This first sentence ot the paragraph is lacking something. Maybe this is how the paragraph should go..

Once she entered the living room, the place seemed empty. She called out her mom's name and no one answered. Not very suprised to be alone again, Kelly wandered over to the small table where her mom usually placed her notes, and found to her suprise that the table was empty. Her gaze sought out the macaroni frame Hailey had made for her. Inside, rested the picture Kelly had taken of herself and the little girl she babysat nearly every day after school.

(End the paragraph here, then explain who Hailey is and how she knows her,.)

She baby-sat Hailey nearly every day after school. Hailey suffered from Aspergers Syndrome, which is a mild form of Autism. Kelly smiled at the small child in the picture; she was almost 8 years old now. Before she started babysitting Hailey, Jane Hailey’s mother, told her that Aspergers is a condition that disturbs the way a person interacts with other people. She told her that Hailey, like many other people with Aspergers, develop obsessions, considerable vocabularies, and they often fidget or sit in awkward positions. Many adults and doctors don’t recognize or understand the condition, let alone children. At first Kelly hoped to help Hailey with this, but as time advanced she soon realized that Hailey was just too young to understand why she didn’t fit in with all the other kids

Here's how I would start the next paragraph:

(Hailey suffers) It would be present tense. Because there is no cure. And, she is going through it now and not in the past.

Hailey suffers from Aspergers Syndrome, a mild form of autism. (The word which is not needed here) Hailey's mother Jane had explained to her before that the condition disturbs the way a person interacts with other people. Jane had further explained that Asperger sufferers also develop obsessions, considerable vocabularies they often fidget or sit in awkward positions. The woman had also gone on to explain that many adults and doctors did not understand or recognize the condition.So why would Hailey understand why she would not fit in with other children?

Kelly glanced at the clock; it was in the shape of a cat with a huge smile. It was ironic that her mother had a cat clock when she hated cats. It was practically one in the afternoon; the Kiddy Carnival would be starting in two hours. Her school held one every year. It offered a time for kids to be involved in fun activities for a moderately cheap price. Every year Kelly wished she could take Hailey, but Kelly didn’t, because she couldn’t picture Hailey interacting with the hundreds of screaming rug rats. However, this year Kelly was determined to take her, giving Hailey one day to be a joyful, semi-normal child.
 

(Let me begin with how awkward this next paragraph is). Kelly glanced at the the clock; it was in the shape of a cat with a huge smiIe. *I ask what exactly are you trying to convey here?*

It might read better this way:

Kelly wanted to make sure she had enough time to get ready for the carnival, so she glanced down at the clock. And, she found herself gazing at a cat with a huge grin on its face. The clock struck her as odd because her mother despised cats, yet she had one sitting directly in the middle of the room where she could see it everyday.

Oh well, Kelly thought as she realized that it was nearly one in the afternoon and she had two hours to prepare herself.

The school held the carnival every year. Which offered kids the opportunity to be involved in fun activities for a moderately cheap price. In previous years, she had always wished that she could take Hailey but, she did not. Mainly because Kelly feared that Hailey could not handle being in a group of hundreds of other children making loud noises and scaring her.

However, this year, Kelly had made a vow to take her, thus giving the little girl one full day to be a joyful, semi-normal child.

* I added a sentence to show how Kelly is feeling. And, I reworked a bit of your paragraphs to cut down a few unnecessary words.*

She had begged Josh to take off work to help her out with Hailey at the carnival, unfortunately he was unable to do so. He promised to meet her at her house when he got off work, she considered this to be better than nothing. Josh was a massive help to Kelly when she was babysitting. He had a cousin who suffered from Aspergers so he understood her condition better than the average person.
Kelly groaned, she decided that it was time to stop feeling so agitated at the world, and prepare for the eventful day. She smothered a piece of toast in peanut butter and sat down in front of the TV. She wasn’t a big fan of television; she often found herself watching the news which always seemed depressing. Today the headlines reported that twenty-one people had been killed when a boat capsized. She switched off the TV and staggered irritably upstairs.
 

When she had decided to take Hailey to the carnival, Kelly had asked Josh if he could tag along with them. (Again, I took out beg. Because you are making Josh seem harsh again. Why would she have to beg someone so caring as Josh?)

Josh had been unable to call off work but, he had promised to meet her at the house when he was finished. Kelly considered this to be a good compromise. For Josh had a cousin also suffers from Aspergers and understood Hailey in a way that no one else could.

Kelly groaned, deciding not to feel so agitated at the whole world and prepared herself for a rather eventful day.

*Side note here. Make Kelly have some action. First she’s in the living room, then suddenly she magically has toast and peanut butter in her hand.

Here’s how it should go from here:

Trailing her way to the kitchen, Kelly popped some bread in the toaster, waited for the piece to pop up, then she grabbed some peanut butter and slathered it hurriedly on her bread.

Even though she was not particularly fond of television, she found herself coming back to the living room and turning on the set.

Headlines trailed across the screen proclaiming that twenty-one people had been killed when a cruise ship capsized earlier today. Kelly became irritated at all the bad news they reported these days and she turned off the t.v. in disgust. Knowing that she could not delay the inevitable anymore, she traipsed up the stairs to get dressed.

*I added cruise ship. You can put any type of boat you want. But, you must specify here because twenty-one people is a lot for a small boat. **I also added some more descriptive words here to help you out.**

She put on her favorite outfit and a necklace Josh had given her for Christmas two years ago. The necklace was her security blanket; she knew everything would be okay if she were wearing it. She peeked out the window; the sky seemed to be clearing up, which was a good sign. Hailey detested going out in bad weather. Weather happened to be Hailey’s obsession.
 

Again, I rewrote the paragraph to show you a better way of writing the scene.

Deciding that today was special, Kelly put on her favorite outfit, along with a necklace that Josh had given her for Christmas two years ago. The necklace had become like a security blanket, giving her much needed strength. This way, she knew that Josh would be with her, at least next to her heart even though he could not physically be there.

She happened to peek outside the window and noticed that in spite of the weather forecast of gloom yesterday, the sun peeked out of the clouds shining down upon her face, giving her a sign that things just might turn out okay after all. Hailey detested going out in bad weather. So, Kelly was glad that Hailey’s obsession would not come into play.

Kelly began the hike to Hailey’s house about a quarter after two. Kelly figured the trip would take a half hour. The walk wasn’t exactly long, but most people in her lazy community would rather drive. Kelly enjoyed being outside in the sun, especially now that the leaves had been starting to turn colors, and the scent of autumn was in the air. She found nature to be very picturesque.

Kelly began the hike to Hailey's house...(Why hike?) Why not trek? Or journey?

Here might be a better way to phrase this:

At quarter after two, Kelly began the journey to Hailey's home. She figured the walk would take her a half hour but, she did not truly mind for the trip would not take too long. Even though most of the members of the community would disagree with her and would rather drive. Which seemed rather lazy to her. She truly enjoyed being outside, especially now that the leaves had begun to change colors and the scent of autumn touched her nostrils. Nature's beauty touched her, sending a thrill down her spine every year. *I added some action here, and some more descriptive phrases.*

Before reaching Hailey’s house, Kelly realized it was going to be a rough day. She could hear Hailey’s wails a half a block away. Upon reaching the minuscule house Jane, Hailey’s mother, had Hailey sitting on the stairs waiting. Hailey was rubbing her eyes furiously. “Hey honey, what’s wrong?” Kelly questioned. Hailey looked at her momentarily before answering. She shrugged, “they mock me.” Kelly sat down next to Hailey and put a comforting arm around her, “Don’t worry sweetie, as long as you’re with me no one would dare say anything cruel!” Kelly took Hailey by the hand and together they strolled headstrong to the carnival.
 

Again, your paragraph is very awkward here. You begin like this: "Before reaching Hailey's house, That beginning is a major do not do. Mainly because of how you start the next sentence. I will show you how you can better write this paragraph:

About a half a block away, Hailey's wails filled the air and Kelly knew that the day would not begin as she had hoped. Just hearing her scream made Kelly's heart go out to her. She had a feeling that she knew the cause of the little girl's pain. But, of course she could not be sure until she saw her mother and found out what was going on.

Upon reaching the miniscule(I am stopping here to say that I don't like the word miniscule. It is not very proper for a home, even a tiny one. Homes are not miniscule unless they are model homes built out of legos. I would rather see the sentence this way:

Upon reaching the quaint home, Jane, Hailey's mother sat with her on the steps trying desperately to console her daughter. Hailey rubbed her eyes furiously while tears pooled down her chubby cheeks.

Kelly came to her side immediately, hugging her tiny body to her chest. "Honey, what's wrong?"

Hailey hesitated, uncertainity pooling in her _ * I stopped here again, putting a blank. Because you should describe her eyes here. I wil give another example:

Hailey hesitated, uncertainity pooling her in her baby brown eyes. Kelly nodded her head, which gave the child the courage to speak.

She shrugged., her words a mere whisper as she spoke. "They mock me."

The words she had been dreading had been spoken and Kelly's heart ached for this little soul. Her arm tightened around her, and Hailey sobbed into her shoulder. "Don't worry sweetie. They won't hurt you as long as you're with me."

Hailey pulled away, pleading silently with her eyes and Kelly assured her once again by standing up and holding out her hand. A few seconds passed before her back straightened and Hailey placed her hand  inside Kelly's palm and they both walk together determinedly toward the fair.

As they entered the gymnasium, they were greeted by hundreds of screaming kids. Kelly felt Hailey shiver. “What do you want to do first, kiddo?” Kelly questioned, noticing a regretful tone in her voice. She mentally told herself to sound cheerful. “There is a girl from my class; she makes fun of me because I like weather,” Hailey pointed to a girl. Kelly sighed and led Hailey in the opposite direction of the other child. They eventually came across a fishing game. It was nothing more than a magnet stuck to the end of a fishing line, and magnets on some ducks, winning was ensured. “Hailey, lets play this game.” Hailey gawked at the game, “It looks interesting,” she said decisively.
Kelly bought two tickets to play the game. She was not convinced that Hailey would play the game if she didn’t. Together they cast their poles into the water as if they were deep sea fishermen. Kelly instantly hit a duck and reeled it up. On the bottom of the yellow duck was the number three. She had won a small stuffed animal. Eventually, Hailey managed to snag a Duck. She reeled it up triumphantly. She then saw the number one on the bottom of it. She won a toothbrush. “That’s all I win? That’s not how it should work! I’m supposed to get a good prize. You’re not supposed to do it that way!” Hailey began to shriek. Kelly led her into a small hallway, “Honey those are the rules of the game, we can’t change them remember. I told you that before.”
 

Okay, what can I say here, but, what a mess?! This is one long, drawn out paragraph. Please put spaces between dialogue and paragraphs. Like this:.

As soon as the entered the gymnasium, they were greeted by hundreds of children and noise bounced off the walls and came back at them at full force. Kelly glanced at Hailey seeing her shiver with reprehension.

“What do you want to do first, kiddo?” Kelly asked. When she realized the regretful tone to her voice, she mentally scolded herself that she should be more cheerful.”

Hailey pointed across the room and Kelly followed the gesture, seeing a blond girl with pigtails. “There’s _…* I stopped here again. You can have a name here. Keep it simple though. I will provide an example.*

“There’s Suzy, a girl from my class. She makes fun of me because I like the weather.

Kelly sighed with a heavy heart and led Hailey in the opposite direction, not wanting her to be uncomfortable. They wandered around until a fishing game caught Kelly’s attention. It seemed to be nothing more than a magnet stuck to the end of a fishing line. And, ducks had magnets on their backs so winning for all the children would be assured.

“Hailey, let’s go play this game.”

Hailey gawked appreciatively. “It looks interesting.” Her words came out decisively.

Kelly bought two tickets, knowing that if she did not join in, that Hailey would not play the game. Together they cast their poles into the water just as a deep sea fisherman would. Kelly caught the first duck, reeling it up and checking the bottom. On the yellow surface, the number three had been written in black ink. She found out the prize she won ended up being a stuffed animal.

Hailey reeled her own duck up eventually and held it up triumphantly. On the bottom, a number one stood out in relief. To her dismay, she found out that she just won a toothbrush. In the middle of the room, she began to shriek.

“That’s all I win? That’s not how it should work! I’m supposed to get a good prize.
You’re not supposed to do it that way!”

Kelly knew she had to intercede quickly. She led her outside the door and into the hallway. “Honey, those are the rules of the game. We can’t change them. Remember? I told you that before.”

Hailey glared at Kelly, “I’m not an idiot Kelly!” Another unfortunate symptom of Aspergers is the inability to recognize voice tones, such as sarcasm or humor. “Hailey I’m not saying anything like that. I’m just trying to help you, okay?” Hailey started repositioning her fingers in an awkward way. Eventually she looked at Kelly “Ok lets go back and play another game. I want a stuffed animal like yours.” Kelly handed Hailey the small stuffed animal, “here you can hold on to it for me.”
They went back into the large group of bustling people. Kelly bought Hailey some cotton candy and a large balloon that looked like Mickey Mouse. Both Hailey and Kelly had a fondness for Mickey Mouse. It was one of the many things that seemed to connect them. Hailey was not just some girl whom Kelly babysat; she was like her baby sister.
Due to the overwhelming crowd, Kelly began to feel claustrophobic. She decided to take Hailey outside with her, to get some fresh air. Once they stepped outside, Kelly observed how the wind had increased. She was about to tell Hailey to hold on tight to the balloon, when the wind suddenly tore it from her hands. Hailey let out a small whimper. “Stay right here Hailey, I’ll go get it.” Kelly dashed off after the balloon.
After exasperating minutes of chasing the balloon, Kelly finally caught it. She walked triumphantly back to where she had left Hailey. Amazingly Hailey had not wandered off, but she was no longer alone. She could hear the kids chanting, “You’re so annoying! We hate playing with you! You’re a geek!” Kelly darted to Hailey’s aid. She picked up the crying child and held her in her arms while she yelled angrily at the tormenting children. “Don’t you know it’s not nice to make fun of people? How would you like it if I started making fun of you because you are wearing glasses?” She pointed to a little boy with a pair of glasses that made him look like a massive bug. He instantly turned crimson red. “How would you like it if I made fun of you because you are chubby?” The corpulent boy looked at his feet. The rest of the kids ran off before they could be taught a lesson. Still holding Hailey, she walked over to the swing set. Together they sat on the swings and cried.
 

Again, the paragraphs has to be broken up as well as the dialogue. Since I have already given examples before, I will not continue to do so. There is just too many little errors and I am getting tired. I hope I have helped you in a small way.

Kelly looked into Hailey’s tear covered, olive green eyes. Hailey looked back questioningly. “Kelly I don’t understand,” she whispered. “Understand what Hailey?” Kelly tried to sound calm as she said this, but already knew what Hailey was about to say, and she wished she had an answer for her. “Kelly I don’t understand why people have to be so mean,” the small child sobbed.
 

In this last paragraph, you have put a little more description which is good. But, still, it has to be broken up like this:

Kelly looked into Hailey's tear covered olive green eyes.

Hailey gazed back at her questioningly, her words a whisper."Kelly, I don't understand."

"Understand what, Hailey?" Kelly asked with a calm voice. Even though she knew what the girl had to say and she wished to high heaven that she had a suitable answer for her.

"Kelly, I don't understand why people have to be so mean."

Hailey sobbed, while Kelly held her again for the second time that day.

*In the ending paragraph, I added some more depth here. By showing you how  you can show the emotions to the reader and have a heart tugging ending.*

Okay, I am finished with the negative.. Here's some postives.

Your story has a wonderful concept. The story does draw people in. You have a story that anyone can relate to especially me because my son has autism. Luckily,his school mates are not quite so cruel. Not yet anyway. I just wanted to get that out of the way. That is why your story caught my eye in the first place. It's relatable to me. I wanted to give you five stars. but, I could not because of those simple paragraph errors.

Your writing has great potential. If you have more stories that are as interesting as this one, I will read them whenever possible. That is what is right about your work. Keep editing, practising and posting. And, you can accomplish higher depths.