Yellow Bird, Chapter 1: Strange Fruit
young adult, fantasy, fairytale
Published on:
August 13, 5:36amWord Count:
1983Last Edited:
August 13, 5:40amWork Description
Roland, starry-eyed bicycle messenger from an industrial city, finds himself in the middle of a picturesque fairytale. He must outwit a vain witch who enjoys turning children into furniture, break a powerful curse to save a girl he barely knows, and find his way home again. But through his bravery he has put himself in an even greater peril, though he must not know it lest all of his gallantry be for nothing.
Chapter Description
It all started with a lemon.
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I.
The city was
small but always busy, with winding roads and aging buildings
standing mismatched beside towering skyscrapers. Its many dour and
imposing factories expelled smoke into the sky in great clouds,
managing to obscure the city for miles around. Sunlight was fickle
and rarely stayed long in the city, and so the withered trees were
already bare this season, so early in autumn. This morning the air
was crisp, which had prompted Roland, intrepid bicycle messenger
that he was, to don a scarf and jacket before leaving his family’s
tiny apartment. The scarf caught in the wind and flew behind him as
he wove his way through the streets on his way to work. There were
few people out in the residential district at this early hour, but
once he reached the edge of the open market, he slowed and hopped
off the bicycle. The stand owners in the market often barked at him
when he whipped through at high speeds, or any speed at all.
The market men did not like the look of Roland’s rusted red bicycle or the amiable smile and nod with which he greeted them as they set up for the day. They did not like his young age, his thick dark hair, or his healthy complexion. The market men were pale and drawn, having lived too many years here in the city. The customers were wary and morose. The city was ill, in a sense, and Roland had only recently started to notice this. It depressed him. He had spent the last few weeks wondering if he would succumb to this sickness. He thought it had something to do with the smog, the lack of sunlight, the tall buildings. The soul of this city was rotting away, and he feared that he would rot with it. He had spoken of this to no one. Who would understand it? His parents were like the customers in the market, his siblings and classmates distrusted him for his benign smile and the constant reverie behind his eyes. He felt as if he was always looking out, through a smog-tinted window, and nothing could penetrate the glass. This thought occupied him as he walked slowly through the open market, head down, today smiling at none and for once completely ignored.
He had just reached
the end of the market when something bright caught his attention.
He watched as a lemon, the pale and shriveled sort that was sold in
the market, rolled out from an alleyway about fifteen yards away.
It came to stop in the middle of the asphalt road and rested there.
He approached it with curiosity, as runaway lemons were not a
common occurrence. He heard a sound and looked up to find
that a girl his own age had appeared at the lip of the alley from
which the lemon had rolled. Roland stopped walking, for the girl’s
appearance struck him strangely. Her clothes were not of this era,
not even of this season. She wore a yellow dress with a white apron
overtop, with a curious little heart-shaped design sown along the
hem. Beneath the dress was a layer of petticoats which made the
skirt puff out in a way that was nowhere near in-fashion at the
moment. She held a basket of lemons on her arm. Looking into her
face, Roland saw that she was staring in much the same way that he
was. She had very peculiar brown eyes and long brown hair. He
thought she was beautiful in some sort of hard-to-define way. It
had something to do with how bright she looked in the bleak air of
the city. Not just her clothes, but her person in general. She did
not belong here.
She opened her mouth to say something, and then
closed it again. She looked away from Roland and walked into the
middle of the street, picked up the lemon, placed it in her basket.
Turning quickly, she walked back to the lip of the alley, without
so much as a glance in Roland’s direction. There, she stopped
briefly and flicked her gaze back, looking slightly quizzical. But
as suddenly as she had appeared here, she disappeared. Back into
the alley and out of sight. Roland moved to go after her, but then
came to his senses and realized that it would not be wise to follow
a girl into
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The biggest problem I see is too much detail. You flood the reader with redundant descriptions and way more information than what is essential to the story itself. This distracts from what you're trying to convey and makes the pace rather long.
The paragraphs, especially in the first part, are extremely large. They need to be broken down into several more paragraphs. If you skim these down it will go a long way of helping to keep the message on track.
There are also several run-on sentences. Like with the paragraphs, these can be skimmed down to fewer words and separate sentences.
You describe other characters from their point of view and not Roland's. If your POV is Roland's, you need to make your descriptions from his reactions. Also, the description of the city really needs some work, especially these sentences:
Its many dour and imposing factories expelled smoke into the sky in great clouds, managing to obscure the city for miles around. Sunlight was fickle and rarely stayed long in the city, and do the withered trees were already bare this season, so early in autumn.
Factories are not dour or imposing. They may look dour and imposing to people, but in their own right, no Try to rework it so it's a reaction, like, "Its factories seemed imposing, expelling great clouds of smoke into the sky. Sunlight was hardly seen, the trees already bare and withered early in autumn."
The story itself is good, but it doesn't captivate me much until the girl shows up. You need a hook earlier in the story to keep the reader interested. I look forward to reading chapter 2.
I really like how much detail you used in the beginning. I know a lot of time people have a hard time trying to set the stage for what will come. I am wondering thoughm, you put this book down for "young adults" I am wondering what the age bracket is. A lot of the words you use are ones that most young adults aren't familiar with. I am one for addiing in difficult language, I think it gives people curiosity to look up the words they dont understand. However, when young adults need to look up almost everyother word, it might make them a bit intimidated and give them a feeling of insecurity. If you are going for a much older population, I think it is fine the language that you use. I think that is very important for a lot of authors, is when they are writing for a specific audiance to make sure it's something that they can understand and ejoy. We always should be aware of the audiance so we know how best to get our points accross.
Hello Yellow Bird, I read this beginning with pleasure hoping very much you'll continue and I can share this world with you. I bet there are many here in the real world who need to be taken away from the 'dead' cities and dumped into a beutiful green countryside to see what could be.
The only 'beef' I have is with some of the stiff expressions you use in places. Perhaps you want to make it sound like the sometimes ponderous writing in old fairy tales - and I think that could work.
I'll pull out some examples to show what I mean, where the writing isn't so much old-fashioned, as (for my taste) a little awkward.
For example:
"Sunlight was fickle and rarely stayed long" would be enough for me. We know it's in "the city".
Here I'd be happy with "hopped off the bike"
"They didn't like his youth" ?
"having lived here for too many years" ?
"the pale and shrivelled sort", (sold in the market) I think is superfluous.
He approached it with curiosity. Runaway lemons were not a common occurrence. I think that's rather funny but doesn't need the "as", whether you make it into one or two sentences.
"Roland stopped walking. The girl's appearance strruck him as strange".
"Roland stopped walking. The girl's appearance was strange".
"Roland stopped walking, struck by the girl’s strange appearance".
or... ?
"But as suddenly as she had appeared she disappeared". The 'here' isn't needed.
"The air was warmer now and smelled of plants and more things that he could not recognize". We know that he has lived nowhere else but the city so far.
It's always easy to find fault with someone else's writing. It's far mor difficult is to go through one's own with objectivity. I know! It happens to me all the time and I am grateful for good input.
This story is a great beginning and I want to know what happens next. Do go on writing. Just go back to what's already there and try to read it as though it was from another writer. You'll find those awkward or superfluous bits yourself and make it a smoother read.
Lovely.