I am afraid i didnt feel a 'connection' with the story. Hopefully, subsequent chapters may be more interesting.

 hi, sammy--

first, this is a gripping introduction to this character. his voice feels authentic, and his distinct internal monologue kept me on the edge of my seat. great job with grabbing my attention at the get-go.

Bud is in the outhouse smokin', so I've got to wait here in bed faking sleep or grandmother will set me to putting that kitchen fire right.

right off, we know this young man lives poor, knows manual work, and has family. he's also not too educated, though he's smart. we can tell that already by his strategic manipulation of the morning chores. i liked how you adopted the regional 'dialect': "putting that kitchen fire right." his speaking just jumps off the page. great!

i'm ambivalent about the punctuational affect (dropping the g's, for instance), as that can be distracting if overdone, and also forces you to decide whether to sacrifice consistency for clarity (do i drop every g?). in the first sentence (above), you've dropped the first but not the next two. it's a judgement call. i think you're good enough, have a strong enough ear for this character to write his speech without spelling it out phonetically.

Not that I mind the work. Not at all. I love doing my part. More, too. Most of the time it is more.

i like this about his integrity, but i think learning about this through his actions would be more powerful. also, hearing him tell us himself leaves us wondering if he's plumping his good traits through perspective--we're not sure if he really is such a hard worker. if that was your intention, it certainly works.

Mom sends me notes about how I should let Bud and her other no 'count brothers do some of their share and stick to my books, but I do both just as often as I can. If I get started on the fire now, though, I'll never get away. And I can't let that happen.

i like your last sentence here. you give us a great hook for what may be coming. we don't know what, yet, but we anticipate a big adventure. you waver a bit with the regional flavor of your main character's voice. sometimes almost formal, sometimes colloquial. i think choosing one style or another will help maintain the perceived integrity of your character's story. he'll feel more real.

School was easy. The book part, anyway. But it all ended two June's ago. Dag! It's been a year and a half! Oh yeah. There is no way I am staying in that ridiculous pool hall, racking balls and sweepin' for a dime a day. 'Family don't git paid 'same as real pr'feshenal help, Whitey. Now git! 'Fer I whup ya'!"

I can't believe how much of that crap tobacco he smokes. He is in there, bathing in his own shit fumes -- and ours -- freezin' and why? 'Cause he THINKS we don't know he's smoking one of those Pall Malls he mooches off of Harrison's nigger. Oh -- he he comes now. I can hear that half moon door closing now. The smell of him gets here way before he does. Nicotene and shit. Well, I won't miss that.

we learn more about this boy/young man and his world. his scraping by, his prejudices, resenting the system, resenting bud's fumes... no wonder he's looking to get away.

i underlined a few spots i think may need a second look. "june's" should probably be "junes", since the meaning seems to be plural and not possessive. the unidentified voice talking about family not getting paid the same should maybe be a new paragraph, set off from the mc's text. ('m assuming the person speaking here isn't the mc.) i think adding more clues to help us know who's speaking may help. misspelling: "nicotene" should be spelled "nicotine", i think.

Now wait for Bud to get back to the kitchen. Grandmother will be on him for trackin' mud in, or smoke, or something else, ad infinitum, everybody else will wake up and I'll make the door.

interesting detail, that this guy knows latin. i'm not sure if it adds another layer to who he is, or if he's becoming less known as the story moves along. i suppose i'm just not sure, yet--i can say the phrase jumped right out at me as a contradiction of what i thought i knew about this mc. again with the mixing formal and colloquial.

After that it's anybodies guess. I could make it up to New York in a couple days. I wonder where they'll put me? Right out to sea, I hope. Those christing japs will never see what's comin'. What are they THINKIN' about? Godamn slant eyed bastards will have a lot of time to think about that once their country is a pile of smoking twigs. We won't leave much standin'. Not one godamned shinto shrine.

 

i loved "pile of smoking twigs". awesome--vivid, clear, powerful image. and still in character! we can begin to feel this character's anger, giving us a clue to his motivation for running off to enlist. i really like that you allowed the smoldering to show from the inside, that you let us know this boy through his emotions--you did a masterful job here of giving readers the chance to sift through the thoughts to the deeper ideology. wonderful! as for typos/errors, i underlined again: "anybodies" should likely be "anybody's" because of the possessive meaning. "christing japs" may need capitalizing, as well as "shinto". "godamn" is usually "Goddamned", as a curse. "slant eyed" is probably hyphenated, the phrase used as an adjective here.

"Bud!"

Now.

"BUD YOU LISTEN TO ME WHEN AHM A TALKIN TEW YA!!! You brought that stink back in with all that mud! Now I dunno how you're gonna do it, but if'n you wants any breakfast you're gonna finda way tuh..."

"Now." worked really well. we feel the determination amidst the chaos. the capitalized, boldfaced, underlined exclamation was a bit overkill. i'm all for experimenting with punctuation and style to establish mood or emotion, but this felt excessive to me. generally, i think using dialogue strong enough to convey feeling and meaning and emphasis without resorting to "extra" help is ideal. the italicized sentence immediately after was also an odd shift, for me. i think deleting all the stylistic accessories would clean this up, and the strength of expression would still come through. i'm still ambivalent about the 'dialect', but the stronger it gets the less i think it adds, here.

Darn! Snow's deeper than I thought! Get to the top. Go go go go go . Good. One look back. Damn, it looks small. That's my house? Okay, go go go go. You gotta stay dry and find somebody to push you up the road a ways afore one of the godamn family gets wind and tries to haul you on back. Go go go go go...

the 'go go go' works, giving this moment an urgent, focused feel--we're there with him, feeling his adrenaline. i like too that you don't necessarily describe exactly where he is, or where he's going. we glean from clues ("get to the top") he's struggling through deep snow to reach the crest of a hill, over which is his future away from home. he's off on his mission, but though he's pumped up, he doesn't feel thrilled--he almost feels grim. set on his path. i like that.

overall, a great opening, sammy--like i said, gripping, exciting, accessible. you've set up an engaging character (does he have a name?), and i'm excited to see what changes he experiences in his upcoming adventure. i loved this introduction, and look forward to what happens next. you rock!