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Penmar is by the Sea

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non-fiction, non-sequitor, sequence of words
3rd
Draft

Published on:

September 2, 9:13pm

Word Count:

325

Last Edited:

September 6, 12:59am

Work Description

Rambling thoughts of a tortured golfer and husband

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It was a day. The sun came up. The rain fell. On the second tee James hit a bonkers driver that bounced on the bench and never deviated its path to the concrete fountain to face me. Epic.

I called for a 32 and only missed by three. No, two. No, three. Our partners were civil, adept, and compliant - though Clapton did show a bit of dodge with that Wadkins line. I even gave him an out. I said, "Paul! Come on! Be nice! Tell me I swing like somebody pretty!"

We were old guys on a links track in August. Pluperfect targets for ___(plural noun)___. One guy did honk but he was like 30 so we just laughed.

In New York I was ready to be scared. Of people. but they were nice. People in L.A. are mean like me. Today there was a guy screaming on a bus bench. He came up to me to bum a cigarette and I said, "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Well, I was on the phone. "C'mon, c'mon. Smoke, SMOKE!" "NO YOU CRAZY SCREAMING FUCK! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" In New York someone would have had a cigarette.

I've learned to hit the 9.5 low.

I got past the pin on 4 of the first 5 holes, but that was it.

I made a 15 footer, then 3, then 4 on consecutive holes.

This is the same track where I once went 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 on holes 2, 3, 4, 5, & 6. After that I stopped trying. I could have kept going for a while.

Both fives I made today were from the rough. That goddamned Kukuyu is tough.

I woke up on the floor today 'cause my wife is looking for somewhere else to live and I can't sleep in the bed.

The Jacuuzi is nice.

I watered the yard for two hours waking with the day.

A great day, really. But I wish I could show the whole world that knocker he clicked on two.

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Discussion

 I dig it.  It's a little all-over-the-place, but it has some fun sketches and lets the reader enter a world, always a plus.

This critique applies to the 2nd draft of this work.

 I enjoyed this story, too. It has a frantic and lively quality that kept me reading even though the vernacular is nothing I am familiar with. What the hell is a bonker? 

But the writing is good. 

It feels, however that this is only the seed of a piece. Not Hemingway here. The stream of consciousness thing is enough to get started, but at some point you have to include some structure or nobody will be able to stick with it, including you the author. 

Good visuals, though. I did get a feel for the old guys limping along the fairway. I bet they are all wear stretch socks and have to make at least five trips to the bathroom each round. 

Thanks for your hard work.

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