This was good. A simple, direct writing style that doesn't forcefully impose its message or meaning. Clear, easy to read, easy to understand. A certain understatement that belies more depth underneath, perhaps to a fault. I was left wanting more, wishing that the story was longer and maybe a little more in-depth. But that's actually a good, the leave the reader wanting to see more of your writing if it's similar to what they've already read.

The story is emotional and real, not sappy like a lot of other romance stories tend to be. Maybe because I can relate to it, maybe because there's no actual dialog that could have ended up being forced, but for some reason it seemed realistic. You don't reveal everything, allowing the reader to sort of project their own ideas and perceptions onto the characters and the story.

Though it was written in third-person, it felt like I was reading a first-person narrative, which for me is a good way to measure how well a writer handles introspection and characters' thoughts.

There's a certain poetic quality about a short story that doesn't try to cram unnecessary details into it. We don't know the characters' names, where they live, what they're studying, family-lives, any of those details which can be nice to have at times, but which often-times can bog down a short story and make the reader wish the writer would get to the point. However, maybe adding a little more detail wouldn't be a bad thing. This story doesn't need it and functions well without it, but I know I wouldn't be opposed to you possibly expanding on it, maybe writing more on these characters in future stories; You could possibly create a series of connected stories, a novella, or maybe a novel out of this if you so choose.

I will say that I understand why you ended the story when and how you did, but it almost didn't feel like the natural, organic ending spot for the narrative. It could be made clearer what the narrator is planning to do, and I would like to see what he does and how the girl reacts, and what happens between them in the future. Basically, I want to know what happens next. But I suppose that ambiguous, open-ended nature is what you were aiming for with this work so that each reader can work out in their minds what they think happens. But if you chose to show what happens after the ending, I know I would like to read it.

Anyway, good job and I look forward to reading more from you.

 hi, rusty--

i really enjoyed this story of anticipation, of that excitement in the moments just before the romance kicks in. you brought me right in and led me along with your character, and i felt his nervousness and infatuation.

my usual critique works its way through the piece chunk by chunk, offering impressions and/or suggestions. my opinion is only one of many, and should be taken with a grain of salt. you know your writing better than anyone else can--i hope you'll find my feedback helpful, but i'll understand if you decide to toss my suggestions in the bin. no worries. and....we begin:

He saw her.

She was leaning against the wall talking to several of her friends.  Her old t-shirt advertised some bar in Austin that had probably closed before she was born; her jeans unremarkably plain and faded.  Another friend moved into the circle, and her head turned just enough for her hair to cascade down from her shoulder.   At that moment the sun forced its way through the overcast skies seemingly just enough to illuminate her gorgeous eyes.  To say that she was stunning would have almost been an insult.

loved the first sentence. as focused, as direct as this young man's thoughts were this sentence was, too. perfect, that you allowed it to stand on its own. this is a momentous eiphany to the main character, and deserves its own paragraph.

you relate the small actions well, the nondescript clothes she wears. you make clear she is what attracts this man, not the trappings. the writing is dramatic enough to underscore the heightened emotion and perception, but doesn't slip into melodrama. nicely done. i boldfaced the parts i particularly liked.

my one suggestion for this paragraph (and in other spots through the story) is to find more specific ways to describe this girl, to bring her to life for us. we feel this boy's emotion and understand she's special to him, but don't know enough about her to feel it ourselves. using descriptions like your last sentence above (underlined) tells us very little actual information. she remains a mystery to the reader.

He smiled to himself.  It couldn’t be done better in a movie, which this scene may or may not become if he wasn’t careful.

i liked that he keeps so much to himself, this character. he seems modest, and earnest in his feelings for her. nice character development. i wasn't sure what you meant by the phrase above (underlined). perhaps a reference to the coming-of-age movies we've seen wherein the young man makes a fool of himself, and/or wins the girl? i'm unclear on what you're conveying here.

He paused for a second.  It wasn’t a pause of trepidation or nervousness.  It was one of reflection, of actual recollection that finally did not merit an uncomfortable wrenching awkwardness.  For the past year since they had met he’d been unable to do little more than make small talk.  Sure, they were “friends”, mainly in the sense that they had the same classes and shared mutual acquaintances.  He recalled the sleepless nights staring at the phone, wondering if she was doing the same.  Had anyone ever noticed how quiet he’d been when she was around?  Those confusing worries were in the past, but so much a part of the present.

this is a strong paragraph. we learn a lot about this guy, and he's so likeable we're rooting for him to win out in the end. we want this girl to like him, too! you've hit on a universal rite of passage, that infernal nervousness and indecision when we just don't know how our crush feels about us. and for a year he's kept his feelings muted. we'd wonder how well-adjusted this young man is, except we know he feels he's fairly confident in normal situations, and has friends, so he's not a social outcast. i wonder if there's a way for us to know this about him outside of his telling us? so we can picture him in the world along with this girl? similar idea with the explanation above of the mc pausing for reflection, rather than nervousness. how could we experience this scene more directly, rather than read as he tells us what's happening? you're a good storyteller with a relaxed style, but i feel a bit of distance here, which is surprising for a story of a budding relationship.

the last sentence gave me pause because its lack of specific reference points had me feeling a bit left out and confused. i think i followed the sentiment, but the vagueness took away some of the power.

He’d always sit near her in class, always one or two desks away out of fear that she’d somehow realize his hidden affection and publicly humiliate him.  It was hard gauging how much to laugh at her jokes, too much and she’d be suspicious, too little and she’d think him cold and uninteresting.  The birds and the bees talk with his parents in the fifth grade hadn’t been half as terrible as this emotional quarantine.

The memory of walking her home made him smile.  He’d sprained his ankle that day to a degree that walking was neither practical nor sane, but after the late study session he’d walked her to her car ten minutes away without wincing or limping once.  The chivalry perhaps didn’t go completely unnoticed.  Had their eyes kept contact for just a second too long after she hugged him?  He certainly thought so, and wrote that off as a coincidence just as much as he wished it were not.

 

a couple of great segments! you give us several specifics, here, and i could feel the quality of their friendship, how they both liked each other, and the torture of his "emotional quarantine". awesome phrase, there. you sum up the entire situation with two imaginitively-paired words, and we instantly empathize with the mc. my favorite two words in the story! and how romantic, that this guy suffers through hiding his sprained ankle so he can spend a precious few more minutes with her? to be a gentleman? aw. (heck, you got his number? i'll call him if she won't. ) we also get hints that this crush may not be entirely one-sided, with her lingering glance. assuming that wasn't wishful thinking on his part...

The cause wasn’t particularly clear, but the result was.  Confidence was something he’d never thought he lacked until that day when he could climb a mountain in a single bound.  Talking came more naturally; his emotions ran free and of their own accord but not out of control; and a logical fallacy that he was particularly proud of become a reality. 

I’ve been alive all these 20 years, but not until now have I ever lived for a second. 

Grades improved, life improved, and the new light cast on the girl intrigued and mystified him in a way he’d never known.  Every other girl had unintentionally brought to him stressful exercises in determining how much to let up his guard to satisfy both parties.  Now, through no action of her own, the girl became real to him.  

Catching her gleaming smile no longer made him tighten up.  It now filled him with warmth, a million times more fulfilling than coming in from the cold to a fireplace.  For the first time ever, he managed a genuine smile back.  

From that moment on they seemed to cherish each others’ presence.  In the bar one night she planted a kiss on his check that, had he not been so firmly attached to the rail, would have buckled his knees and left him staring at the ceiling in the interesting state of blissful supineness.  This wasn’t the right place for that.  He didn’t make his move yet.  The time wasn’t right, or something, when the hell was the right time?  

to me, you're strongest when you're letting the emotion come through--you have several of these moments throughout the story. your character feels real in these moments, and as charming as his cerebral style of communication is, he feels closed off in those moments. "supineness" is a great word, but it jumps out here, kinda distracts me from an already wordy image. "a million times more" is a weak comparison modifier, and combined with the "supineness" this character feels like an odd age combination of twelve and forty. the "i've been alive..." sentence is supposed to be an internal character thought, i think? the tense is different from the rest of the story, and the pov is, too. you might think about italicizing this portion to stand out from the usual text, so we know this is character viewpoint rather than exposition. (i'm not big on the rules of pov and tense changes, so i'm not sure about how kosher those are, here.)

i did love his quandary about knowing when he should expose himself (figuratively speaking) to his girl. it felt genuine, and his excitement came through.

She stood there in her circle as the crowd shuffled into the classroom.  She stood still.  Her head turned his direction, as if she’d been aware of his presence.  Their eyes locked, just for an immeasurable instant.

Now.

and you bring it full circle, ending as you began. lovely choice. i feel his anticipation, as if he's holding his breath when the last word hits. "now". awesome. again, important enough, symbolic of a huge moment, and deserving of its very own paragraph, as well. knowing when to give weight to these moments, when to lean on the strength of simplicity, is an intuitive skill, i think. nicely done.

thanks for writing this thoughtful and sweet story, rusty--i was charmed by your style and approach, and even though these characters had no names and minimal descriptions, i felt i knew them. it's a universal story, but i felt the anticipation as if it was mine. great job.

I don't really want to analyze this piece.  In fact, I just want to let the thoughts and feelings inspired by it linger for a couple hours.  I loved this story.  Who hasn't felt the trembling hopes of having a crush?  I was pulled along, empathizing with the main character - encouraging him.

Ok!

I second the slightly confusing phrasing below

It couldn’t be done better in a movie, which this scene may or may not become if he wasn’t careful.

- its cute, but it kinda comes across as arrogant - or even over confident - I think that's it at least.

Those confusing worries were in the past, but so much a part of the present.

This part you could always rewrite as something like - "those confusing worries were past, and yet so much a ...."  Which might put more closure/emphasized the fact that they are still apart of his character - but no longer directly influence the present.

he memory of walking her home made him smile.  -------

he’d walked her to her car ten minutes away...

 Just thought I'd point out the above incongruity

 Had anyone ever noticed how quiet he’d been when she was around?

I absolutely love this question and where he talks about how he always sat a couple seats away or the way he analyzed/gaged his reactions toward her.  Its all so true, who can't understand the socially awkward position a crush puts you in.

Also, I'm assuming they're in college - as a reflection of the part where they're in a bar - in which case you might want to have her circle of friends be in a lecture hall.  Probably a personal preference, but classroom sounds very high school/junior high?

Anyway, thats all I've got at the moment, hope its helpful.