Dagny versus Jill
dagny, flash fiction, science fiction
Published on:
April 11, 6:37amWord Count:
922Work Description
Jill's a nobody. She's not worth reading about. Forget you even saw her name. This is about Dagny. And Dagny hates you. Stop reading about her. She means it. Really.
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You know of course that this means war, don’t you?
Dagny? Are you there? Are
you even listening?
“Don’t bother,” Jill says. She looks to either side. “If she wanted in the story, she would have come out by now.”
I nod my head at the screen. Right. This is Dagny we’re talking about – fictional, irascible, mean as spit.
“Don’t forget deadly,” Jill adds. “She can kill if she wants to.”
And that would explain the rifle you’ve got there, Jill?
Jill nods. She looks very serious today. Worried, maybe. I don’t know why…but then I do.
Wait a minute, Jill…I’m writing you from before you got the upgrades.
Jill nods. “Like in your novel,” she says. “Before I got recruited.”
Okay, now I’m losing track, and the reader can’t be far behind. “So you’re a normal human being,” I say.
“And so are you,” Jill says. “That is why you gave yourself quotes, isn’t it?” She pulls a grenade from her side pocket, checks the pin tension, seems satisfied. She runs her hand through her hair – she’s been working out all day getting ready for this, and there’s sweat under the smooth strands. I can smell her – it’s a cologne of sweet and fit with a dash of gun oil. It’s like she’s sitting here beside me, watching over my shoulder as I type.
“Yeah, welcome to my world,” I tell her. “You really think you can kill her?”
“That’s what you write me to do, isn’t it?”
Yep, that is indeed why I write her. So now I pull back a bit – I don’t want to be in the crossfire for –
“Bloody coward.”
Oh, hey. Hi, Dags.
“Don’t call me that you miserable sack of worms.” She brandishes a flamethrower. Then she smirks. “Hiya, Jill.”
Jill ducks and rolls just as the stream of flaming napalm streaks across the room. The couch lights up. Bloody smack, there goes the futon.
Jill spits out a tooth – something hit her when she hit the floor. The edge of a table or a box or the maybe the spokes off the bikes in the corner. There’s too much crud on the floor to know what.
“Just write me out of here,” Jill mutters. But I can barely hear her – Dagny’s maniacal laugh fills the room. She squirts the shelves, the desk, and the kitchen with napalm. The air turns an angry black with soot as the countertops flare incandescent.
“Take that you good-for-nothing microbes,” Dagny says. She hooks the flame nozzle back on her pack. “And don’t let me ever catch you writing in my –”
Too late for Dagny, Jill’s up and running. Firing from the hip, she puts three rounds through Dagny’s chest and gets a grazing shot to the throat. Dagny gasps, reaches for her roller blades hanging from the doorknob. But Jill’s faster – up with the gun, she brings the butt of the rifle crashing down on Dagny’s face. In, in, bam, crunch – a nose flattens and teeth shatter.
“Take that, you!” Jill brings down her foot on Dagny’s sternum – ribs crack. “I’m tired of second-place roundworm feces!”
Yikes. I need to work on my censorship skills. Maybe next time I’ll just buy a black highlighter. But Jill’s not done yet – she yanks that nozzle off Dagny’s back and jams it through the bloody gap between her teeth we call a mouth.
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Hey Ryan,
We all know I enjoy Dagny. She entertains me and really?
It is all about me 
Seriously though - I think the stories are fantastic. I wish I had your imagination.
I love the Matrix Dagny and Traveller Jill. They really add a complexity to the story. Some of the action comes a little out of left field, but that is true Dagny style and I adore her.
I really love the dynamic between the narrator and his characters. They drive him crazy by living their own lives and he has no control over them even as he writes them. They are nothing without him and he nothing without them - it is a true dynamic between any good writer and his/her characters and you capture it beautifully
hi, ryan--
booyah!!! what a blast! you know, i'm not supposed to be reading and critiquing right now--i'm overdue for deadline, here--but i started this action-packed, brutal gem and couldn't stop.
jill, dagny and the narrator all have their own distinct, cheeky voices. each one feels real, even in this fantastical environment, and that--along with your hard-hitting and vivid action sequences--is the most impressive aspect to this story.
here's an example:
“Yeah, welcome to my world,” I tell her. “You really think you can kill her?”
“That’s what you write me to do, isn’t it?”
Yep, that is indeed why I write her. So now I pull back a bit – I don’t want to be in the crossfire for –
“Bloody coward.”
Oh, hey. Hi, Dags.
“Don’t call me that you miserable sack of worms.” She brandishes a flamethrower. Then she smirks. “Hiya, Jill.”
all three characters, and each one clearly delineated from the other by dialogue alone. fabulous! you have a talent for realistic dialogue, and fun insults. i love a strongly-worded gut insult. that and the instant launch into violence and mayhem after this dialogue just gets the adrenaline going. i couldn't wait to see what happened next.
Too late for Dagny, Jill’s up and running. Firing from the hip, she puts three rounds through Dagny’s chest and gets a grazing shot to the throat. Dagny gasps, reaches for her roller blades hanging from the doorknob. But Jill’s faster – up with the gun, she brings the butt of the rifle crashing down on Dagny’s face. In, in, bam, crunch – a nose flattens and teeth shatter.
“Take that, you!” Jill brings down her foot on Dagny’s sternum – ribs crack. “I’m tired of second-place roundworm feces!”
yeow! and things quickly get serious. these girls are not all
talk, i quickly discover. since i'm new to this series, i'm not
immediately aware of the significance of dagny's rollerblades, but
i'm happy to read earlier chapters to find out. i think 'bring
down her foot' was a bit low-energy for the bludgeoning going on,
and 'second-place roundworm feces' reads a bit awkwardly. i
appreciate the sentiment, but i tried screaming that out loud, and
it didn't really roll off the tongue or leave me feeling very
badass. but, maybe it's a jill personality thing? maybe she's just
not as good with the insults? again, i'm not familiar yet with
these serial characters.
I drop in Time Traveler Jill, the one with the electrodynamic bioweave armor, subdermal type. That’s right – skin that can’t be pierced.
i don't care what else happens or doesn't happen in this story or the freakin' universe--this is just awesome. love it. LOVE. IT.
. . . apartment is now longer . . .
typo, but you know this.
“You might wanna swallow one. Might be your last chance to die quick.”
okay, this had better be a cliffhanger. there has to be more coming, right? right?
really, ryan--a strong, fun, partially-hinged trip to
kickassonia. i'm definitely rewarding myself later with a visit to
your profile to read more of these installments. i don't know how
you came up with this--watched 'blue world' too many times under an
unlicensed nyquil influence?--but i'm happy you did! thanks for the
great read.
Hello Ryan,
Like Laurie this is my first trip into the Dagnyverse so please excuse me if I'm missing a few things in this story. Overall, I think this is a great writing exercise, taking characters out of your "serious" work and just letting them run around and interact with each other and you. I'm sure this has helped you tremendously to get a grip on these characters. I would be remiss if I failed to mention your awesome description of the piece. That alone was enough to pull me in. I think the piece itself probably works better for you than it does for an audience, but I'm sure that is partly your intention. However, a critique is not a critique without a breakdown:
You know of course that this means war, don’t you?
Right away this sets the scene for me as I am immediately dragged back to the Daffy Duck cartoons of my childhood. You know the one, where daffy is forced to endure the cruel attentions of his own animator. Already, I'm geared up for cartoon mayhem.
And that would explain the rifle you’ve got there, Jill?
I'm having trouble picturing the setting at this point. Probably due to that Daffy Duck cartoon I'm mostly picturing Jill standing on your blank screen, but later she is in the room with you. Establish the setting early.
It’s like she’s sitting here beside me, watching over my shoulder as I type.
Here it is "like" she's in the room...
Jill ducks and rolls just as the stream of flaming napalm streaks across the room. The couch lights up. Bloody smack, there goes the futon.
and here she clearly is in the room. This was a hard transition for me.
The air turns an angry black with soot as the countertops flare incandescent.
Beautiful line.
Firing from the hip, she puts three rounds through Dagny’s chest and gets a grazing shot to the throat. Dagny gasps, reaches for her roller blades hanging from the doorknob.
Not clear on the rules here. Dagny should be dead, right? I mean she dies of these injuries later. Why is it not enough to kill her now?
Yikes. I need to work on my censorship skills.
I like this and would love to see more of it. You (or at least "character you") acknowledging your part in the fracas. After all you have the power to stop Dagny, why don't you? This could be a nice little aside.
“What?” she asks, “you never seen The Matrix?”
This bothers me because it makes me think of the Matrix
Basically, I would rather you establish your own brand of chaos
rather than saying, "you know...like in that movie."
“Should we go for medium, or extra crispy?
Shouldn't it be "regular or extra crispy?" those are the two kinds of skin available at KFC, which I assume is the reference.
“You might wanna swallow one. Might be your last chance to die quick.”
I agree with Laurie, the stories not over yet. Let the young Jill do something crazy and unexpected to save the day. Of course this is just a writing exercise, so if you got out of it what you wanted then you are good. As an audience member I want more. Thanks for posting.
-Ben
Hey, I'm back. I thought I would say that I loved this installment. Of course I had a few beefs with it but, enough for a critique. I agree with another critique on here about the food comment. You mixed your metaphors with, "Do you want medium or extra crispy?" Or did you do this intentionally. Were your characters debating whether they wanted pizza or chicken? If so, then bravo, I get it. You are very brilliant in your way of thinking.
I know this is just supposed to be a comment but, you know by now that I need any points I can get whether I get actual karma points or not is besides the point. I just wanted to further worship your work. Your talent knows no bounds, your creativity is through the roof. Your characters scream out for attention and they get it no matter what they have to do.
So, what do you think, is this comment long enough yet? I know, I know, not very original of me. But, what do you expect from a scribbler huh? No insult intended to other scribblers out there. Just talking about myself. Please, no one out there come and shoot me. I would hate that. I have three mouths to feed. My kids and my hubby. Boo hoo, feel sorry for me here.Wink, wink.
*Hey there twinkle toes. Did you miss me?*
Holy cow, they never quit do they?
*What do you mean we never quit? You're the one staying up late and typing like a nerd.*
Don't talk like that. People might get insulted.
*You mean like you? You have no feelings. You're a robot.*
How dare you? I do so have feelings. Just ask the man I'm married to.
*You mean the man you only sleep with if futon in the computer is already taken by your two million cats?*
That's not fair. And, an outright falsehood.
*Falsehood? Who speaks like that? Geeks- R -us?*
Stop it. You're just being mean now. I'm a good person.
*Then why don't you clean your house every day, you messy slob?*
I have three kids you moron!
*You only have two cinderella!*
You didn't count my husband.
*You're on your own on that one.*
Thanks alot. You started this.
*And, I'm the one to finish it. Just give me a name already and I will get out of your head.*
Yeah right! Like I haven't heard that one before.
*Well, it's late. And, unlike you, I have a life.*
I do so have a life!
*I don't care. I'm outta here.. Dweeb."
Hey!!!
It's too late, character saunters slowly away, a grin of mischievous wonder on his face. Finally, the character at least has a gender.
Until next time, Ryan.
Bye for now.
Happy reading!!
hey ryan great story i did not find anything wrong here its solid good 'cept for
i think you meant no.
killer story dagny is getting to be more and more cooler each time you write her. F%$# Ellen Ripley from aliens dagny is badass. and whoa jill is looking to be trouble, my prevoius encounter with dagny has me on her side but jill is really gunning for the crown. great job man.