Debutante Dagny

Ryan Edel

94 • Pencil Pusher

fiction, humor

1st

Draft

Published on:

March 7, 3:35am

Word Count:

809

Work Description

Meet Dagny. Dagny isn't real. She's completely fictional. And she hates it when people read about her.

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“You nyrf-lading son of a tree frog. You’re gonna censor me.”

Right-o, Dagny dear. Right-Oh.

“Blag-masher.”

Now that’s just lame. And really, this if for your own good. It’s to make the website G, or at least PG.

“One of these days I’m gonna mash your grapes in a hamburger grinder.”

Gee, thanks. Has it occurred to you that you’re fictional?

Dagny glares. “Every gosh darn mo-freakin’ day.”

Right. So, then, let’s work on some publicity and marketing and –

“Do you actually give a d*** what we think? We’re your characters. Don’t you think we care about the story?”

Right – you care about the story, but you’d rather see me burnt like toast. I write you guys, remember? Or did you forget about the narrative voice who fills in all your lovely details?

“Well you haven’t described much of anything today, have you? Sounds like you’re just trying to drum up support for yourself and ‘your’ book. As if you write worth a d***.”

Fine. So you’re dressed in you black fatigues –

“Am not!”

What is it, then? Another cocktail dress? High heels? One of your sixty-five million pairs of shoes? And let me guess – lavender nail polish.

“You bass-muncher. It’s ‘death to authors’ purple.”

And you wonder why I’d rather not describe the setting.

Dagny curls her lips in rage. “You listen to me,” she says, “I’m not some petty little thing you can toss around like a rag doll. I have rights, too, you clod-thumping son of a shrimp larva. I’m gonna own this site, and you’re gonna have to beg for a chance to be here. And yes, I happen to like my evening gown. How else would I hide the oozie?”

And there she goes, yanking out the Israeli weapon to show it off. She sees my thought of having another fictional character come in to moderate – she shoots him.

“Nope, no Jonathan, not today,” she says.

Jonathan stumbles away. He’s immune to bullets, but they do still hurt.

“Oh, yeah, and that Tanya creature…I don’t like her, either.”

Dagny, I ask, do you like anyone?

“Maria,” she says. “I like that Maria Villanueva character. Except when she’s a b****.”

Right. Sorry about that, readers – it hasn’t occurred to my characters that swearing is not always the best way to convey emotion. So Dagny, I ask, have you ever tried a bit of description? You could explain why you don’t like Maria or Tanya or Jonathan. They are your fellow protagonists, you know.

“Up-chuck pretenders, more like it.” Dagny wipes her mouth in distaste. Then she begins a slow waltz around the setting, using the oozie as her mock dance partner. As she finds descriptions that don’t appeal to her sense of feng shui, she shoots them. The crowing rooster, a crying baby in the corner –

“I don’t shoot babies!”

Just checking to see if you’re paying attention, there. So her ballroom gown sways in the breeze, and the lovely maples in the sunset frame a sumptuous garden of roses and tulips and, hey, oh my, the thorns catch on your dress, dear Dagny. Whatever will you do?

**A burst of automatic fire. The roses

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Discussion

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Lua Nemic

6 • Scribbler

aside: [I'm new here and not at all used to writing critiques. But I'll try.]

This is actually chuckle-out-loud funny, which is fairly rare so pat yourself on the back for that. I thought it was fresh, and it's the kind of thing that will catch your attention immediately. I hope it grows.

Kilroy8675309

11 • Scribbler

I gave this a 3/5, but stick with me, my story gets better. You see, I didn't think the idea of the story was that great, but... that's it. I thought the character was humourous, and definitely had room for expansion and development, I thought you and she had different "voices" (which is good to have,) and you have a good writing style. So, expand more on her story, adding other characters (who will no doubt be inspired,) and you'll have yourself a winner. Well... not that 3/5 is a loser, but... you get what I'm saying.

Stigma

28 • Scribbler

It didn't make much sense to me, but I did get a good chuckle out of it. It's nice to see writers (or characters, in this case) breaking the fourth wall. It's a rare element which is rarely seen in writings these days, which is upsetting, because it really adds an unpresidented amount of humor to any story. Oh, and one more thing, "Oozie" should be spelled "Uzi." just thought I'd let you know, mate. But anyways, Dangy sounds like quite the character, a real lady. Now, what would really make my day is if she were based of a friend/girlfriend/wife. That would be quite the kicker! Well, there's my 80 words, now I'm off to spend my karma! Oh, wait! Here...comes....125....words......YES! There's a full karma point!

Erick C.

14 • Scribbler

Great introduction!

I've seen your name quite often on the website, so I thought that one of your stories would be a good read. And as it turns out, that it is. I smiled and laughed a couple of times, especially whenever Dagny tries to curse and when she tried to take over the narrative.

She must be psycho.

The crowing rooster, a crying baby in the corner – “I don’t shoot babies!”

Call me a bit cruel, but this was my favorite part.

Now, one thing I don't understand is how the interaction between you and Dagny works. Actually, let me rephrase that.

Sounds like you’re just trying to drum up support for yourself and ‘your’ book.

Are you trying to, through all of your fourth-wall breaking, write your book through all of this? Or are you trying to indeed drum up support?

I rated this 3 stars because I didn't understand that concept too well... but the laughs were worth it. And that's my critique: To me, it seems that Dagny is a crazed, battle-happy woman. She seems a bit too hysterical to be a realistic character.

Yet, on the other hand, that might give you many opportunities to give background stories and information one day.

Perhaps you already have, as I will check your other works in time.

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