I have to tell you, I've never read anything quite like this before.  It's interesting and yet bordering on insanity.  I suppose we could refer to Dagny as your muse, eh? I am interested in reading some of your other work - I'm intrigued.

Just to let you know - you forgot a word in this sentence:

"Okay, I think, if you’re so cool, then why don’t you strip off (that) lovely shirt you’re wearing?"

 Hey Ryan,

You know I am a big fan of Dagny - I just think she is ingenius.  I will say though, that I am not really a Jill fan.  I don't think her personality can stand against Dagny's in a protagonist/antogonist way.  The reader, even in the more involved scene, (at least this one) does not relate to her. I feel like she IS fiction as opposed to Dagny who has a much more tangible feel to her, if that makes sense.  The Protag and Antag should have similar character power of one will easily overshadow the other and the conflict dies to a simmer instead of having a flame for the reader to be drawn in to.

I really like the writing style and descriptions.  You have the format nicely broken up with punctuation so the reader can easily differentiate what the narrator is thinking and what Dagny is saying. 

Also - I LOVED the image of Dagny shooting the narrator and him swatting a mesquito away - great use of fiction v nonfiction and the blurred line in between.

Great Job!  Be careful of her though!  She is gettting crazier!  LOL

I'm gonna have to agree with kathleen down there. (Or up, I can't remember how comments are ordered)

We really don't know ANYTHING about Jill, she just showed up in Dangy versus Jill, and that was that. I can't really say I can relate to her. I mean, c'mon, dangy has killed jill 3 or 4 times now, and she's ressurected time after time. It's like the Friday the 13th series. I love dangy, she's fun, innovative, and quite frankly, I think that you're a bloody genius for thinking her up, but jill...Jill is just kinda....I don't know...

 ha! well, let me be a small voice cheering for jill. yeah, she's dagny fodder, but man, is it fun to watch her die over and over.i actually wanted her to die a few more times in this chapter, just for the excess.  is that wrong?

maybe if the narrator beefed jill up to match dagny in verve and nerve? because the firepower isn't lacking...it's jill's lack of killer panache, i think. but how cool would that be, if jill gave dagny a smackdown?

thanks for another chapter of unhinged dagny fun, ryan. woohoo!

 hi, ryan--

i'm back to comment on the latest installment of dagny vs jill. woohoo!

Dagny reaches over to the table. She’s kept a machete there for just this moment. Seconds later, she lops off the head of Jill Nakamoto. Head and body fall to the floor. Then Dagny reaches down, gathers up the loops of long black hair, and hoists the head up to eye level. Jill’s dead eyes stare without sight.

one of my favorite aspects of your series is how each one feels like we've just walked in on the two mcs (and narrator) in the middle of their ongoing feud. i feel a bit dirty, peeping on them, but i don't wanna stop. i like the cut-&-dry style of jill's beheading here, as far as dagny's indifference to the violence. i do wish for more gore...not because i'm a gorehound so much, but because i want to feel this is more real. as it's written, it feels like a prop gag, and i want dagny's ruthless killing ways illustrated with splashes of crimson, twitching limbs, dull 'chokk's as the blade fractures the vertebrae. gimme!

“Pathetic,” Dagny says, tossing the head in a corner. The newly-written Jill opens fire, and the bolts of superheated death pass through Dagny like neutrinos on their light-speed journey through everything.

ha! this surreal rewriting of jill before dagny's even dropped her severed head is another favorite of mine. you play with that fourth wall, breaking the rules of reality while simultaneously using specific and ultra-realistic scientific terms to describe weapons technology. love it!

Dagny, this is a scene. We need story arc. We need to keep the readers interested.

 

“Who said I need readers?” Dagny asks. “All I need is cigarettes. A little Bombay Sapphire would be nice, too.”

 

Premium gin? What on Earth are you going to do with gin? Aren’t you fictional?

 

“I’ll drink it, jack-munch. With an olive. Most call that a martini. And don’t you dare shake it you piece of smud – I like my drinks swirled, if you please.”

 

Swirled, she says. As if I can use ink on paper to swirl a few shots of booze.

these noodly scenes feel like we're following you as you watch dagny, as you let her lead the way in the narrative. we can tell you like her, that you're having fun with this, and that glee is infectious. what doesn't move the story forward add flavor to dagny's character, and that works, too--these aren't really plot-driven pieces. they're so strong in character, we just want to watch them go at it. i do want jill to live a bit longer, maybe deliver some pain of her own sometimes...but you know this.

“Whatever,” Dagny says. She ignores the glare of plasma bullets as they tear apart the room and set the world on fire. Jill begins to sweat in the heat. The corpse on the floor is leaking blood, the head in the corner has already burst into flames. The scorched hair fills the room with the foul stench of burning. Dagny wrinkles her nose and reaches for the blender.

this contains a great gag, here. you describe great carnage using the senses. jill works hard to decimate dagny even as her own corpse bleeds out on the floor, and catches fire. scorched hair stinks up the room, and dagny's response is to reach for a blender. this is clever, and hilarious, and the work you put into making the violence real pays off with the throwaway sentence at the end. ha!

I’m fuming now. This isn’t even funny. And now I have no plot and no setting and Jill may as well not even be here, she’s so irrelevant. What the heck? This isn’t even a scene.

 

“What, you want like a turning point or something? Why don’t you join Writer’s Anonymous. Maybe they’ll help you find some help.”

oh, gosh. any writer can identify with this. characters which disobey their master, who refuse to move the story along, who talk back and belittle their creator. *sigh* this series has its tongue tucked so firmly in cheek it keeps biting it. this is one case in which leading the reader to consider the author in process pays off--i think that's the real charm to your series. we all can identify with this poor narrator, just as we're having a blast watching dagny wreak havoc.

Dagny smiles. She’s caught me at a loss for words. She draws a Beretta, brings up the barrel, and shoots Jill in the head. The second corpse crumples to the floor and melts in the flames. Dagny chuckles.

and even better, dagny seems to genuinely despise the narrator. she causes him trouble with sociopathic glee, and your short declarative sentences add punch to that emotion and the action, too. bam. bam. bam.

“I know,” she says, “you’re jealous because I’m fictional and I’m still more cool that you’ll ever be.”

 

Okay, I think, if you’re so cool, then why don’t you strip off lovely shirt you’re wearing?

 

Dagny brandishes the machete. “Don’t you even think about it.”

heh. and this twist adds a new flavor to the ongoing struggle. perhaps the narrator carries a taste for more than sheer violence? or not, but this new threat to dagny's cool is fun--if he decides to truly mess with her, how can she retaliate except to continue thwarting his plot points, killing off his protagonist? i dunno, but i'm waiting to find out! next chapter, please.

thanks for another fun, flavorful segment of 'dagny opens up whoopass', ryan--always a blast! this series is light in the best sense, andone which i never get tired of reading. *thumbsup* thanks!

 Okay, now I'm truly jealous. Your wit far surpasses my own. I can be very funny(looking.)

Oops, I think I did it again.

My bad, that's Barney.

*No, it's Britney, you idiot!*

Oh crap! The voices are back. See what you have done to me?

*This lady needs a shrink. Don't be fooled by her blase attitude.*

Huh?

*Of course you don't understand. You're just a wanna be poser.*

Nuh uh!

*Ya huh*

Of course I am. Ryan is ten times the writer I am.

*Suck up! You just want points.*

So what?

*Okay, aren't you like gonna give me a name already?*

No, I said go away! Weren't you listening the first time?

Character sulks and walks away.

Whew! Glad that's over again. Have a good one Ryan

Lol!!